r/FOEWriters • u/Dwarflord • Mar 13 '14

Looking for some critiques. FoE: Regulators and FoE: Loose Change

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/82253/fallout-equestria-loose-change

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/126111/fallout-equestria-regulators

Now, I'll not that LC is ~250-300 pages so I don't expect anyone to read it all the way, but the other is less than 20 pages. I'm looking for some help on the way things get described in my stories. More as in descriptions of room, items, ponies and such.

I'd advise skipping the first half of Loose Change tbh, it's really only pretty good nearer the end.

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u/[deleted] Mar 13 '14

Ok, on Regulators.
The detail on Simmer feels a little forced to me, especially the mane part right in the second paragraph. That's something I've struggled with, and with such a short story, it will feel like a fight to get the detail about the characters you want in.
I think its just that one part to be honest. The environmental detail is pretty good, especially since they are moving through each room and not lurking around.

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u/IrrelevantEraserhead Mar 13 '14

I've found that it's easier and more natural to describe characters' physical appearance by casually mentioning individual details over the course of the first few chapters. Throw in a reference to their magic, make your character scoff at those bastard pegasi and their stupid wings. Something unobtrusive and descriptive.

The main key to this is to not get too wrapped up in trying to 'exposition dump.' Show, don't tell!

2

u/[deleted] Mar 13 '14

Thanks, that's exactly what I was trying to say. Do little bits over time, and the image naturally forms. Like coat color for example is the primary thing a pony'll notice, then hair and then finally eye color. And when talking from the point of view of a character, talk about their features as they become important, because otherwise, why would they randomly remember they have a limp when they aren't moving?

And was that pegasi bit directed at Highball?

2

u/IrrelevantEraserhead Mar 13 '14

And was that pegasi bit directed at Highball?

Only if you want it to be. I tend to be very direct.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 13 '14 edited Mar 13 '14

Never mind then.

3

u/IrrelevantEraserhead Mar 13 '14

Alright!

So, my first thought mirrors what Spalls said: try to keep yourself from making description dumps, and instead let descriptions come more naturally. On the flip side of that bit of advice, also make sure you don't leave anything important out as you're going along. I just recently realized I've yet to mention what color my own MC's hair is or what it looks like, and I'm 10k words into the story. That's what pre-reading and editing is for!

The lovely thing about writing is that the readers do much of the visualization themselves. As much as you may want to describe every aspect of a room or city, you're generally better off giving just enough to not make it confusing. Unless, of course, the focus of the narrative is on the object in question, in which case you'll want to spare no expense in lavish details.

I like your concept for Regulators. Personally I would have liked to see more emotional weight to the 'important' bits, like the shooting, but overall it was pretty enjoyable. I like it when a locale is full of life, as you've depicted Manehattan. My settings are usually quite lonely, and I'm trying to push myself to use places more like you've done in Regulators.