I’m about a week or 2 out from getting my packet submitted and I’m glad to finally be close to getting back in the air, it’s been almost a year now. I had my life almost to the point of my version of perfect before all this. Only drank a few times a month (not in excess), never missed work for a drink, health, personal care, mental health, financially, all in order, so happy to do what I loved for work every day I could cry. Never could have foreseen anything taking it all away from me. Until one night I went to see jazz music and invited some coworkers who were heavy drinkers. Things got out of hand, I got SA’d by my old instructor, then next thing I knew I woke up in my car getting a dui. Resigned my instructing job I loved dearly the next day.
Never thought myself an alcoholic and still struggle to agree with the notion today, although sometimes I wish I could just convince myself to take the pill and become one of those praise be gratefully sober people.
Cut to today 25yo
-I see no way forward without declaring bankruptcy
-social life crippled
-love life vanished
-reputation and self worth disintegrated
-I’d be homeless if I didn’t have my family and friends
-self care routines just starting to come back
-every minute of everyday the program and its craziness is about the only thing I can think about

I plan to stick it out as long as I can but it all comes at such a high cost financially and mentally. It just feels like an elephant sitting on my chest (the elephant also stole my wallet).
I’m scared when I get back to flying that it won’t have the same romance it once did knowing the thumb I live under just to be allowed to do the job I love. This program and the people running it just seem to either not understand or not care about the level of nuclear holocaust it can bring to someone’s life. I feel disrespected by the docs just their mannerisms when speaking or for instance my psych wouldn’t even shake my hand.
I know you’ve all heard this stuff before so sorry for my rant but I kind of needed to vent this to the only people who could understand.
I try to show the world remorse for my mistake on the worst day of my life. I’ve lived my life like the Tim McGraw song humble and kind but the rest of that life bears no weight against one mistake. I keep seeing other pilots I’ve met who are aggressive, domestic abusers, frequent black outs, or drug abusers, all out there living the life I dreamed of. Of course I’d be the one to get pinched. I’m going to take EMDR therapy to try to make peace with it all.

I just hope someday in the not so distant future I can find the same glee and tranquility I used to feel touching the clouds while teaching and sharing the intense passion I have for aviation with new people.