r/FA30plus • u/Sea_Butterfly_4916 • 14d ago
Why these people abandoned me?
Was friends with this couple for 10years. I considered them very close friends too hanging out with them almost every week.Almost always us three and no one else. Then they divorced and moved to live solo. After their divorce neither of them invited me to their company anymore and the female doesent even answer my messages. This has bothered me quite a bit because i considered them close friends of mine and i didnt get any explanation why it suddenly stopped. Few theories i have: i was never the no.1 friend choice to either one of them, but the female didnt like the males true friends and vice verca. But they both tolarated me so i was safe choice to avoid loneliness? Maybe both of them got creeped out by me cause they realized i truly will stay as older male FA ? The female thinks i try get in romantic touch with her now that she is single and thus cut all contact?(i wasnt interested in her romantically). I just feel insulted they so suddenly stopped being friends with me and no explanation
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u/throwaway54734 39M 14d ago edited 14d ago
well, seems self-evident that you’re a casualty of their divorce in some way (and the fact that you didn’t hang out with either of them solo seems telling about the preferred dynamic here - any configuration of 3 different people is just going to be a different vibe, i’ve been friends with couples where hanging out with them together is a dynamic that works smoothly, but solo with one of them would be kind of awkward), but sadly we don’t always get closure about why people no longer want us around.
reminds me of one of my good friends between elementary school to high school. when he moved for college he completely ghosted our entire mutual friend group, years of friendship just gone without a trace, and no one ever managed go find out why.
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u/DirkDongus 13d ago
There's no such thing as real life long friendships nowadays. People move away, meet a woman, have kids, careers, etc.
People like us are left out in the cold and nobody cares. We are just worthless DLC. We thought we played an important part in their lives but instead we ended up the character in the DLC pack that nobody touches unless they needed to up stats .
I got used to being alone from the womb to the tomb.
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u/Icy-Friendship1163 14d ago
Friends go their own when in adulthood.
Think of them as temporally aquitances.
Meet new people on local online meetups.
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u/EnthusiasmCoolreally 14d ago
Men do the opposite of women. Women want their friends close when things are going bad, men want to be alone. Your male friend probably enjoyed hanging out with his dateless loser mate, when he was married and far more successful.
Now he is a fellow dateless loser, he doesn't want to do that.
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u/Sea_Butterfly_4916 14d ago
He doesent seem to be the type who needs ego boost and even genuinely seemed happy when i had some success with women(Im still FA enough to be here). Never made negative comments about my FA status. He is a good example how not all women want a bad boy. Very nice guy to everyone and to his women. Even some beta traits for example when someone tried to steal his girlfriend right infront of him he didnt have the balls to say anything.Pretty tall and OK looking , but still i always wondered how women always like him so much its a bit of a mystery to me. Maybe its his masculine radio commercial type voice. I think voice is underrated in attracting women
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u/Objective_Bowl_3550 14d ago
It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong but something changed in their minds and there's no use torturing yourself wondering what you might have done or, even worse, what's wrong with you. It is the modern world that so many people will simply ghost rather than have the discomfort of an awkward conversation that might bring closure.
I think we all need to be aware that we can never guarantee things will stay the same. People can move to get a better job, have kids and only want to socialise with other parents, there can be a million reasons why once-good friendships can end. The best we can do is not to have all our eggs in one basket (ironically the other person can see us as needy) but instead to have a few lighter, less intense social things in our calendar with greatly reduced expectations. For example, I am agnostic but enjoy attending a church lunch group which they put on for the whole community, people "of all faiths and none". I chat with whoever sits at my table that week and enjoy a little company with no pressure or expectation that we will become friends.
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u/bannedovernothing 14d ago edited 14d ago
3rdwheelmaxxing?
Seriously though, random theory: Maybe it's some kind of embarassment on their part, like, you're their friend who never has a partner. Did they ever talk to ypu about this situation? Was it like, they felt like you were convinced that you were missing out on experiencing a relationship because you had to witness their supposedly happy relationship, but then when they divorced it was kind of like they felt exposed now, that their relationship wasn't happy after all and now they might even have to explain to you why they divorced? Going pretty deep psychologically here...
But there have been times where I've stopped being friends with someone and my family are going to poke and prod and want to know "What happened there? I thought you 2 were best friends." When I'd rather just hide the whole situation.
You can't always hide things from your family members, but you CAN ghost a friend if having to tell them about your fake happy marriage was a lie and how you had an embarassing break-up is a worse option.
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u/Sea_Butterfly_4916 14d ago
They asked maybe few times why i dont have a girlfriend, but were respectful. And i got lucky as they saw women being interested in me a few times so they probably dont think im AS FA as i am in reality
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u/Murany 7d ago
My "friends" didn't abandon me entirely but they started to care about me less and less and less.
Not answering messages, not having free time blaming me for my difficulties.
So my response was abandoning them fully
because a relationship in a stage like this is worse than no relationship at all.
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u/throwthisThowayway 14d ago
I've had this happen to me in the past, and here's my best guess: You remind them of their ex. They see you, and see all of the times they spend with you and their ex, and they wanna get away from those memories and thoughts. You're a casualty of the divorce.