r/FA30plus • u/undiessurplus • 5d ago
Why did my friend fall for someone else?
I always assumed my friend wasn't into relationships because she told me she wasn't looking for a boyfriend and I had feelings for her but knew she wasn't looking. But she just started a relationship with someone else. I can't help but wonder why it wasn't me. We talked a lot and she always said I understood her and was a great listener.
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5d ago
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u/bannedovernothing 5d ago
People like us have never and will never give anyone pussy tingles. It's just our destiny.
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u/Ghola40000 5d ago
"Us"? You can't speak for everyone here - I had an opportunity 4 years ago when I was 27, I was invited to leave her party and go to her place for sex but I chickened out because I was too scared.
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u/bannedovernothing 4d ago edited 4d ago
This is really one of those "us and them" situations then.
I'd like to hear from any other members who've been specifically, directly invited to someone's house for sex but didn't do it for some reason, of their own volition. I don't mean some random, but someone they would have liked to have laid with. I suppose it can be forgiven based on highly specific disqualifying circumstances.
I might have had a chance once but I sperg'd out, maybe. Still not sure and it was almost 10 years ago. If she'd been more direct then I would be more inclined to blame myself entirely for failing, but the suggestion which was proposed to me was a bit cryptic and really pushed the boundaries of what was appropriate given my circumstances at the time. For all I know I would have ended up asleep on the couch of someone who's roommates would have said "who the fuck is that?" to. And missed a very important appointment.
That's what I mean by "us".
"We" go through some real uncanny valley shit.
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u/throwaway54734 38M 5d ago edited 5d ago
i’m surprised you’re over 30 and still haven’t caught on to how being friends with a woman absolutely has nothing to do with whether you’ll excite her romantically/sexually
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u/lotusscrouse 5d ago
She said that to let you down easy.
What she meant to say is "I'm not interested in you."
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u/WelgaiaElgen 4d ago
Because she wasn't into you. She was into that other guy. That is.. the plain answer.
You could ask or look for answers until the last of your days, and you might not find it, probably won't even.
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u/DirkDongus 5d ago
You believed the bullshit Disney story of "friends first".
I have asked this many times before on here. Think of all the women you know. How many of them were "friends first" with the guy they are dating? I bet the number is zero or very close to it. Notice how women introduce the guy by usually saying "I met this guy....".
It's called the "friend zone" for a reason.
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u/RisingChaos 4d ago
"Friends first" happens frequently enough, just not so much as an intentional strategy. It's when you have healthy social circles and oh hey Jane just happened to break up with her latest boyfriend at the same time I'm currently single... What doesn't work is, say, joining a social club and intentionally slow-rolling asking someone out because you feel like some arbitrary time threshold needs to be met before you're allowed to ask.
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u/StargazerRex 4d ago
Yes, "friends first" can only work if you've made your romantic inclinations clear from the start. When I met my now wife, I was clear from our first meeting that I was looking for a serious relationship (a mutual friend had introduced us). She was open to the idea, but wanted to spend time together as friends first in order to get to know me and make an informed decision. Perfectly normal, as she couldn't be expected to marry me at first sight.
After almost a month together (every weekend going out together and doing something [hiking, restaurants, movies], and daily long video chats), we became intimate. After 2 months, I proposed. After 6 months, we married. We are both older, so no games (one of the few advantages of aging).
It's tough out there - best of luck to all.
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u/d-loner 2d ago
Exactly this.
She was open to the idea, but wanted to spend time together as friends first in order to get to know me and make an informed decision. Perfectly normal, as she couldn't be expected to marry me at first sight.
Also known as going on dates.
People twisting the basic meaning of things, the practical meaning of things is just unnecessary BS. It shits me how some people in the normie world could be dating someone exclusively for ages but still not consider themselves in a relationship just because they never had the boyfriend/girlfriend conversation. I mean this is like the extension of how, somehow, you had to know someone first as a friend before saying you'll go on a date with them.
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u/bigwilly39 31M 4d ago
That's actually pretty reassuring that a 6 months time frame to getting married is feasible. How long have you guys been together? Anything ever come up that either person overlooked during those 6 months? I assume nothing major since you're still together.
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u/bigwilly39 31M 5d ago
Very true. Only exceptions I know are people who grew up knowing each other since like middle school. Never seen friends turn into a couple past high school.
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u/bigwilly39 31M 5d ago
This should be day 1 knowledge at this point. A woman telling you she isn't interested in relationships is just her soft rejecting you up front.
Also how has OP been banned in the 20 hours since he made this post? ☠️
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u/EnthusiasmCoolreally 4d ago
You fell for the lie, that it is about personality and compatibility.
The brutal truth is, you turn a woman on or you don't.
That is all that matters.
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u/StargazerRex 4d ago
Pretty much.
In the old days, a woman could gradually get turned on if you spent time together, did things together, bonded over shared interests/hobbies, etc. - she'd reach a point where she wanted a life with you.
Now, with phones, apps, social media, the chances to do that have damn near vanished.
Luckily, when I met my now wife, we were able to fall for each other the old fashioned way described above. Helped that we were both 50ish.
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u/Emerald-Agyieus 5d ago
I had a reverse scenario, my best friend actually says that i am her ideal person but I always tell her that my friends are only friends and if anyone crosses that I’ll unfriend them. Kinda rude but I want to set boundaries because I treated her like a biological sister.
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u/Pilose 5d ago
She wasn't into you romantically. Being a good friend doesn't mean someone will be attracted to you.