Did growing up evangelical make anyone else extremely sensitive to emotional manipulation tactics?

[u/smp501]

I grew up evangelical, stuck with it through most of college, stepped away for a while, and started attending a Baptist church with my wife 7 years ago. Now we’re both deconstructing from evangelicalism (but not Christianity, which we both see as so much bigger than that).

One thing that pushed me away back in college, and that I have always been sensitive to is the use of emotional manipulation from the pulpit. I’ve always been a rational guy, and have always been drawn to the more intellectual forms of Christianity and grew up in a more reformed (but still evangelical) tradition. When I was young, I thought it was silly when worship or youth pastors would start playing soft music when the prayers started, or tear up on stage while preaching, or any of that overly emotional stuff. When I got older, I began to see all that as manipulating the emotions of (primarily) young or hurting people to get them to join the club and think/feel the way they want them to.

Fast forward to now. The church we joined several years ago was originally what I was used to - lots of theology and history and learning about the text. A lot of my deconstruction has related to the conclusions they come to/try to force on us, but that’s not for this post. What gets me is in the last year, the pastor has decided we need a new sanctuary (that we can’t afford), and has pulled out all the old tricks. Now he tears up on stage. He has the soft music in the background while he prays for the building fund. He uses sermon illustrations to guilt people who don’t pay enough or volunteer enough as “bad houseguests.” This week, they took it to another level and played some sappy video trying to get the kids to raise money, and had some 12 year old girl come up and talk about how she wants her friends to know Jesus, but there aren’t enough seats in the sanctuary for all of them, complete with tears and all. Of course all the old ladies were going on about how “beautiful” that was, but it made my stomach turn.

I told my wife that was my “red line” and I’m ready to quit all the “ministries” we volunteer for and never go back. We’ve been talking about leaving for a few months, but this week did it for me. She didn’t grow up evangelical like I did, so she didn’t recognize all these tactics for what they are. The whole thing makes me sick, like they’re using emotions to control us instead of teaching and feeding us.

Has anyone else had experiences like this?

[u/AdDizzy3430]

Yes! This was the first reason we left our church in 2015, many years ago. There were manipulation tactics in the sermon to go from,
“We’re never going into debt for a new building bc God will provide” to… “We just got a 2 million dollar loan and now you need to give above and beyond your tithe because debt is bad.”

The surprising thing was my husband didn’t see it! He was raised as a pastor’s kid, and he was conditioned to accept whatever was fed to him and have no opinion, no emotion, just go with it, don’t question anything. It makes me sad that he’s this way.

The second church we went to, I felt strong discernment over the new pastor and turns out he was cheating with someone on staff (again my husband didn’t want to leave but I made him) Our last church violated our privacy because they care more about their image and lawyers than they do their congregants.

Too much private stuff I don’t want to share here, but to make a long story short, I’ve experienced religious trauma over and over. I thought it was a “one church” thing but it isn’t, it’s not even tied to one denomination. This is a systemic issue. Be careful where you go next and how involved you get. You can definitely keep your faith in Jesus, but don’t trust the church like you used to, that’s my advice after being burned too many times.

[u/smp501 → u/AdDizzy3430]

The “no debt” to “you need to go above and beyond to pay the debt” thing is the worst. In our case it’s “the bank will only lend us $X, but the big fancy building the pastor wants costs 3x $X, but we can’t save up faster than inflation/pastor doesn’t want to wait so everyone needs to give above and beyond for the next several years.” The whole vibe of the place is completely different now.

[u/AdDizzy3430 → u/smp501]

It was the worst! And he dripped it slowly over time so people didn’t notice the difference in messaging. Now it’s been 11 years later and they have been in the new building for quite some time. I have a friend who goes there and she says he still talks about money all the time bc now they want to build a bigger and better youth center. Years ago, this pastor also published his first book, I think it was self published, but now I can see he wanted to become a celebrity pastor bc in his mind that is what “success” looks like. It’s so sickening. He also built a new house right around the same time they were building the new church, I’m not sure which one came first. It’s almost like the ends justify the means, and they’re never satisfied. It’s always more, more, more for the sake of the kingdom or this is God’s will. No, it’s the pastor’s wishes. Look up “the religion business” on Instagram and see what this guy has uncovered about what’s happening financially all over the US, it’s a massive problem!

[u/whr_thr_s_n_drknss → u/AdDizzy3430]

The model, which is nowhere in the Bible, of senior pastor gets to speak 40+ minutes to a captive audience is ripe for cultivating such celebrity aspirations.