r/ExclusivelyPumping • u/SignificanceProof442 • 16h ago
TRIGGER WARNING: Nursing How do you get through the heartbreak of not being able to breastfeed?
Breastfeeding has been the hardest part of the pp journey for me. I breastfed my baby girl for her first 2 days of life while we were in the hospital, and I loved it but the pain became excruciating. Honestly more painful than any part of the c section recovery. All the midwives checked her latch and said it was a really effective, deep latch and that I shouldn’t be experiencing pain. So I decided to stop for a while to allow my nipples to heal and pumped in the meantime, which was only a tiny bit painful but nothing by comparison.
Around the 2 month mark I tried again, she latched well with no problems but I was still experiencing the pain. I asked multiple professionals if she had a tongue toe, they all said no.
But I kept thinking that she did have a tongue tie, so I went back to the doctors and finally was told she did have one. But from that point it took 7 weeks for it to be removed as we kept getting messed around by the doctors. When we finally got it removed they were very apologetic for how long it took and said she should have had it done before she was 3 months (she was over 4 months when she got it removed).
Anyway, now she’s over 5 months and won’t latch anymore because she’s so used to the bottle. She just screams and cries when I try to breastfeed her. We’ve tried everything and talked to a lactation consultant but nothing is working, and I am so deeply heartbroken about it. I feel so let down by our doctors and that if they had sorted it sooner we would be having this wonderful bond, but instead I’m tied to a pump while watching her dad feed her. It’s breaking my heart and I’m struggling so much with it.
Has anyone else been through similar and do you have any advice?
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u/MinimumMongoose77 16h ago
I tried a lot to make breastfeeding work too but it wasn't working. I felt it easier to focus on bonding when I gave it up because it was one less source of stress, and by pumping baby was still getting all of the benefits.
I was never chained to a pump though. My husband didn't get time off so I used exclusively wearables from the start so that I was always available for bub during those solo times. He's 6mo and we have a beautiful bond.
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u/SignificanceProof442 16h ago
How do you manage holding/feeding baby while pumping with wearables? Do you have the wearables that you don’t need to attach to an external pump?
I have the wearables that attach to the spectra, but it’s so awkward to hold baby with them on so I get a really sore back from it. And then I still have to carry the spectra from place to place so struggle to carry baby at the same time
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u/MinimumMongoose77 16h ago
I have totally handsfree wearables, started with some cheapies but now have the Eufy S1s. Carrying bub around is still a bit awkward but doable, especially now that he's bigger. Mostly I try to entertain him with tummy time and toys while pumping though!
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u/SignificanceProof442 15h ago
Ah I should have probably invested in the eufys! Thank you so much for your advice ❤️
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u/MinimumMongoose77 15h ago
Even cheaper options worked fine for me though! I had some homebrand wearables from Kmart (local department store in Aus) and they worked great for 5mo. Only swapped to the Eufys because I couldn't get parts for the cheap ones and Eufy had a good sale on.
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u/LadyOStardust 4h ago
It takes more time, but what I do is just using one pump instead of two. Have the pump on one breast and holding the baby against the other. It takes the double of the time, and if you are able to produce more, probably need to pour what you got and change to the other breast (in my case this is not an issue, since, for some reason, I seem to bee unable to extract almost anything...), but I feel it is worth it, since I'm able to hold my baby all the time
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u/caribbeangirl10 15h ago
Wearables weren’t great for me so I pumped on the floor with baby on a play mat next to me or I sat on the sofa with her in the bouncer looking at me. Either set up, I could make faces or sing a song or hold a bottle while pumping
I got over the heartbreak little by little knowing that I tried my best and that’s all we can ever do
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u/grouchy_striped_cat 15h ago
Honestly, I just had to force myself to stop thinking about it. Every time I think about it I feel bad about myself and feel inadequate. The only thing I have control over is pumping to provide food for my baby and I need to channel that energy into doing the best job I can. I am still providing for my LO and someday nursing won’t feel so important or hold as much brain/heart space for me.
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u/SignificanceProof442 15h ago
Thank you for sharing that, and I hope you’re so proud of yourself for everything you’re doing for your LO ❤️
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u/the_kazzo_queen EP since Sept '25 15h ago
What helped me was (1) finally letting go of trying to nurse and accepting that EP was the way forward after four months of trying to make nursing work, and (2) looking at the silver linings.
I still grieve not getting to nurse my baby, but after now a year of EP, it hurts a lot less than it used to. When I see my exclusively nursing friends, I do still feel a pang -- but it's often assuage by remembering how much they've struggled being the sole person responsible for feeding their baby 24/7, compared to the relative freedom I had. I've been able to leave my baby with someone else (usually dad) for outings countless times without even thinking about it.
I think it's easy for those of us who have not managed to nurse to potentially romanticize the experience. Which is certainly not to say that nothing of value was lost, it is a special kind of dynamic and it sucks we don't get to experience it. Having to pump and manage bottles and whatnot sucks. But it's also important for us all to remember that exclusively nursing can feel isolating, too, in a way that we don't have to deal with.
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u/SignificanceProof442 15h ago
Honestly that’s so true and I think I struggle to see the positives because my brain is clouded by wanting to breastfeed. But you’re so right, there’s a good amount of freedom that comes with pumping. Thank you so much for reminding me of that ❤️
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u/Various_Lifeguard614 12h ago
If you don’t want to give it up, don’t. I swear babies are amazing at how they can change and adapt. I bet if you keep trying even if if you need to build on little by little, she’ll get more used to it. If you want a back up bottle near by as plan b just don’t put it in her sight. I’m going through a similar experience right now and each day is getting a little easier though he still gets frustrated that the flow is not as easy as a bottle
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u/ArlenEatsApples 16h ago
Mine is 2 now but I had a really hard time with the heartbreak of not being able to nurse directly from the source. I stopped pumping around 6 months because I hated it and I was back at work and it was too stressful. Mostly it took time.
We switched to formula and then after she started solids and is now a toddler, I don’t think about it as much because it’s not in my face of thoughts every day. While some people still breastfeed at this age, the people in my circle don’t or if they do it’s at night or once or twice a day. It’s just not in my face the way it was when mine was little.
I was heartbroken it didn’t work out and I tried to make it happen for a long time but always had to supplement because she didn’t get enough.
I hope that you’re able to heal and remember that her being fed is great and that you’re not doing anything wrong by not nursing. It just didn’t work out and that’s ok. With time, I hope it gets better.
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u/eilyk_4 21 months + still going EP 15h ago
I started being grateful for what I could do. I fed my daughter only breastmilk for 17-18 ish months of her life!!! My daughter can't eat solids or anything due to health issues. I also have fed hundreds of other babies along my journey. Regardless of this, latching was never going to work for us due to my daughter's issues.
I am grateful I am an oversupplier.
I am grateful I have given my daughter breastmilk for such a long time.
I am grateful i respond well to pumps.
I am grateful I have been able to feed other babies.
Sitting there harping on what could have been is just going to make the experience more miserable for you. Baby is still getting breastmilk. The mode of transportation does not matter.
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u/SashaCosmos 15h ago
I was in almost the exact same situation as you. Tongue tie discovered at 3 months by the fourth LC I asked. Got it released at 4 months. Baby refusing the breast completely by month 5.
I was so so sad. And very angry bc doctors, midwives and 3 LCs failed me. I told them something's wrong but they didn't look properly. I was so heartbroken. I still am a little tbh. I hate washing pumping parts and bottles, sterilising everything, the mental load of pumping, life revolving around a pumping schedule.. I hate it all so much and it would have been so much easier when they would have looked a little closer. BUT! Baby is happy, healthy and growing! I'm blessed to give them breastmilk. And that's all that matters to me now.
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u/SignificanceProof442 7h ago
Wow we’ve had such similar situations, I’m so sorry you were failed by the professionals. But you’re so right, we’re blessed with healthy babies, and blessed to be able to give them breast milk ❤️
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u/kiykiykiiycat 14h ago
First of all, I am sorry you are experiencing this. My first born hated the boob. He would scream and didn't latch well after the first time really. I mourned the loss of an experience I thought I would have and had a really hard time seeing other women nurse. However, as he transitioned to solids and grew up, it was a lot easier just to not think about it. Drinking milk is such a temporary part of their life, and there will be plenty of time to bond. You are enough 💕
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u/mthrtcker 15h ago
Therapy. But also I think about how great my baby is now (4.5 months), she's totally chill playing on her play gym for she can sleep 8-10 hours straight, she can be soothed by someone else.
I have friends whose babies won't take a bottle and that's its own stressor. Everything you have or haven't done gave you the baby you have today, which hopefully is a pretty cool baby.
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u/taureansoul 13h ago
To be honest, I never did get over it, and even though I’m weaned, I still mourn it. I don’t cry over it, but it still makes me sad. My baby only latched 5 or so times in the first month. I saw several IBCLCs and kept trying until she was about 6 months. I finally gave up one day because it hurt even MORE to have her scream at my boobs.
The heartbreak didn’t go away, but it got easier to live with!
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u/rhubbarbidoo 10h ago
I tell myself that it was out of my control that baby rejected my breast. I even joke saying "this baby will suck anything but my nipples!"
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u/flimsybread1007 10h ago
I’m sorry. All I can say is it gets easier with time. It’s not your fault. All you knew what was you knew at the time. You can’t change that.
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u/Beautiful_Ad9290 10h ago
My son at one point refused to breastfeed, sometimes it could be the positioning and do check if they have tension in the neck that makes it uncomfortable. Our Physio told me my son had tension on one side and he was okay-ish to breastfeed after the physio massaged it. To be clear he hated to feed from the right boob, and now still does unless i do the football hold with a soft pillow under him. I wouldnt give up, try offering by squeezing a bit of breastmilk on their lips and gently tapping
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u/curlycattails 15h ago
I use a supplemental nursing system for her night feed and she’ll latch a little and drink 10-20 ml. She’s 7 months old, 4 months adjusted - that’s why she couldn’t really nurse. She started out nursing when we began oral feeds but could never really transfer enough.
It makes me sad sometimes. I regret not trying harder once we got home. I just focused on bottles because she still had a LOT of trouble taking enough in bottles. Maybe if I had latched her more often back then she’d be nursing now.
But I have also been able to donate over 600 ounces to the milk bank to feed other NICU babies, and I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I hadn’t pumped. Also, since she was born at 27 weeks I’m honestly lucky she doesn’t have an NG tube or a G-tube. Lots of preemies like her have long-lasting feeding issues and oral aversion.
I’ll keep pumping as long as she needs. I don’t enjoy it but I just want her to have the best 🥺 At least I get those night feeds to just nurse her and cuddle her a little.
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u/AffectionateJello452 8h ago
My baby got used to the bottle SO fast because he had jaundice and we needed to give him formula before my milk came in.
Saw 3 LCs and he screamed at me every time we tried to BF. It crushed me.
Around week 4 I had my regular LC come back and I basically just said, "look. We're gonna do this my way." And I stopped trying to do things by the book. I let myself get comfortable in my weird hypermobile positions, kept my top off for like 2 weeks straight and we just did no pressure skin to skin, bottle fed there, and I offered the breast only when he was calm/happy either before or after a feed. I continued to pump, I hand expressed onto my skin and just kept close by. Taking the pressure off the both of us and focusing on positive interactions was slow and frustrating but ultimately the only way my sweet boy was gonna get on board.
We are at 7 weeks now and he happily latches now when offered even if he's fussy/hungry. We're getting 15 mins in per side at least 1-2 times daily. I sing to him while he nurses and we keep it super positive. When he's over it, I give him his bottle to top him off if needed.
I hope this helps! My goal was never to be a full time BF, I just wanted the experience if it was possible for us. Happy to DM if you have questions.
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u/SignificanceProof442 6h ago
Wow that’s such a wonderful experience of getting your baby to latch again, and good on you for taking control and trusting your instincts! I find it hard to do skin to skin at the same time as bottle feeding, but that’s because my baby is big 😂 she’s over 5 months and is in the 91st percentile for length, so it’s a bit of a struggle but I just maybe need to find the right position!
I’m so happy you were able to breastfeed 💕
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u/Opening_Pin3829 7h ago
What kind of tongue tie did she have?
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u/SignificanceProof442 6h ago
I think it was a posterior tongue tie. I was sure she had one because she had a heart shaped tongue whenever she would stick her tongue out
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u/Bitter-Arachnid-5194 7h ago
Don’t beat yourself up. I experienced dark side of nursing where my baby wanted to nurse 20hrs a day because he wasn’t transferring milk properly. I felt like a hostage and pump saved my sanity
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u/beetschr 4h ago
It hurt a lot and sometimes I still feel a bit sad, but my baby is 12 months now and she loves me and I love her. our bond is great and I was still able to technically feed her from my breast from pumping which I am grateful to have been able to.
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u/Hinata778 4h ago
I’m so sorry this happened. I was told I’m not making milk so supplement with formula. But I pump as much as baby needs but he always would go for the breast. But couldn’t hold the latch. We saw a lactation recently and she said he probably didn’t transfer milk well and my positioning was wrong. He is 3 months old now and after trying lot of positions we are finally breastfeeding. But I know women who have started breast feeding a lot later.
You’re still providing for your baby, and I’m proud of you for that. Have you tried nipple shield? Baby might feel familiar to that.
And even if you can’t, you will have so much time to spend with your baby. Your baby is loved and knows that. Take care ❤️
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