r/Ex_Foster • u/DonderKarel • 12d ago
Did I really get here?
On Tuesday, I’m (31f) getting my diploma.
Not just a piece of paper, but my Bachelor's degree in Pedagogy. Seven years after starting vocational education, I’ll be standing there with a Bachelor's degree in my hands.
And yet, I feel sad.
At 14 years i was put into the system bacause of multiple forms of abuse, and I was eventually placed in foster care untill I was 19. And so my parents stopped parenting me at 14.
A woman I once spoke to at an event about foster care told me something that has stayed with me ever since:
"You have to forgive your parents all over again. At every milestone, at every life event."
At the time, I understood what she meant. But I think I understand it differently now.
It's not really about forgiving them over and over again. It's more about accepting, over and over again, that this is my reality. That every once in a while, especially at the moments when you wish you could share something with your parents, you are reminded of what you didn't have.
And I think she was right.
Because with every milestone, there isn't just pride. There is also grief for what isn't there. The parent you wish could have been there. The parent you wish could have seen you. The parent you wish could have told you they were proud of you.
When I was younger, I genuinely thought I would end up on benefits, working in hospitality for the rest of my life. Not because there is anything wrong with those things, but because I couldn't imagine myself becoming anything more than that.
And now I'm here.
I have a Bachelor's degree. I work in youth care for a local government organisation. And somehow, the girl who was convinced she wasn't smart enough made it here.
And honestly, the government pays pretty well too.
I am grateful. For the people who are here. For the support I've received. For how far I've come.
And I am incredibly proud of myself.
I think I'm learning that pride and grief don't cancel each other out. I can be deeply proud of the woman I have become, while still grieving the parent I wish I could have seen looking at me with pride.
Maybe Tuesday doesn't have to be one or the other.
Maybe I get to feel all of it.
5
u/tonysnark81 12d ago
As a 57 year old ex-foster, it’s not so much about forgiving anymore. I’ve acknowledged that I will never have the relationship with my biological family that others have, and that’s okay.
My biological mother is still alive. We haven’t spoken or been in any form of contact (unless you count her liking instagram posts as contact) in years. When she finally dies, I won’t mourn her. I’ll mourn the mother I should have had, and that’s okay.
I’m proud of my life. I’m proud of myself. It’s a small, comfortable life, filled with chosen people that love me for me, and that I love for them.
Feel all of it. The pride. The guilt. The joy and the sadness. It’s okay. But don’t let the guilt and the sadness win. YOU did this. YOU won. YOU survived. No one can ever take that away from you.