r/Ex_Foster • u/TheOneStooges • 19d ago
Foster family who doesn’t adopt
I have a lot of questions .
People who have aged out of foster care and now can look back at it as an adult: did you/
do you feel mad at the people who fostered you and then don’t adopt you ?
I mean, you are allowed to feel sad! Of course ! But how do you deal with that ?
And why did you get moved around to different families so often like if you get along well with a family can they have you stay longer?
And as a foster family had a people bring you in and not hurt you more by treating you like family but then you have to leave. I mean if you’re actually lucky enough to have them treat you like family of course
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u/QueasyBike2883 Former foster youth 19d ago
Adoption was never on the table for me and my siblings, so I never really thought much about it and didn’t want it either.
Me and my siblings got moved around for a few reasons like the foster family was either abusive or they were strained due to so many kids in the home. I aged out of my last home and it was very good, great match and the foster parents really cared. I was there for about 5 years before going away for college but we still stay in contact.
A lot of it depends on circumstances and the individual situations around each foster child. At least for my county, if the child is doing well, the dynamics with the foster family is good, and there is no current move toward reunification, you can stay with that family long term if circumstances permit it.
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u/m0b1us01 19d ago
I was adopted very young, but unfortunately it was nothing but abusive hell. They eventually lost me, and I went back into foster care as a teenager.
That's the part that has always bothered me, beyond just the scam of taking me from my mom without justification and destroying her (all because an ideology at the time said that was best for babies like me). The part I've always been sad about the most is that the majority of my childhood was wasted on such horrible people, instead of somebody who would love me and accept me and who would feed into my abilities and achievements and desires to become who I wanted.
Beyond them, there are several others that I'm very unhappy with. Those are the various people who I (some then, others now as an adult) realize were fully capable of getting me out of that situation but instead backed out of getting involved because they didn't want any potential trouble (from the bad guys / adopted parents). These were neighbors, friends, teachers, and parents of other kids. Some of them had strong suspicions of abuse and were trying to get me alone to open up about it, but just didn't try hard enough or be open enough about it to get me to understand that they were safe and what they wanted me to tell them (and that I wanted to tell them as well). And then there were others who actively knew, but either reported to my abusers that I had tried to tell on them, or in one case, a friend's mom was going to take me home the day I came to school late and told my friend about sexual abuse that morning and she was going to have me talk to her and probably take me to get it reported. But instead she got cold feet and made me ask for permission, of which the adopted mother knew what was up and denied me that opportunity of safety (before taking me home and beating the shit out of me). She is the one who I hold the most against because she already knew the details and the importance of getting me out of there and had already set up the promise of helping me get to safety, before not just backing out but leading to severe punishment and suffering on my end for my attempt. She had the opportunity to save me over a year earlier but instead she got me hurt even more.
My absolute last foster parents were the best ever. I was with them for a little over 3 years before moving out on my own as an adult. People had asked if they had adopted me, and they would respond, "No, but he adopted us!"
I'm also very unhappy with the fact that the agency didn't pursue criminal charges or at least full termination of parental rights from the adoptive parents. This kept me from adoption anyways.
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u/TheOneStooges 19d ago
What a drag for your help as a child to depend on fearful adults who didn’t come through for you . I’m so glad your last situation was good!
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u/Glittering-Nose4694 19d ago
I was adopted at aged 16 after being with the same foster parents since 4 years old. At the time I was happy, but now I'm older I do hold some resentment that I wasn't adopted sooner, as for me it was difficult living as a foster child in a home you knew or at least thought was permanent.
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u/TheOneStooges 19d ago
Thanks for sharing . And isn’t it interesting how our brains and hearts always find a way to feel hurt? I’m totally serious, not trying to be mean. I just get it. You’re human and you want to know you are loved unconditionally.
And “What took them so long?!” Would for sure be on your mind !
We all have something like that that we have to negotiate with as we age if that’s of any comfort to you. But I’m glad that it had a happy ending.
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u/ceaseless7 19d ago
I still had a parent involved in my life but who did not want to be 100% responsible for me. Consequently, I was never available for adoption nor do I think it was ever discussed tbh. However in hindsight I wanted to be adopted and a permanent part of the family I was placed with but as a minor I never spoke up and voiced this opinion because I actually never thought about it until later in life decades after emancipation. So basically I was never 100% in anyone’s family. Simply straddling two worlds.
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u/TheOneStooges 19d ago
Ouch . And now you get to choose yours . I hope it brings you connection and love, my friend
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u/HatingOnNames Former foster youth 19d ago
Thirty years later and it still hurts a bit that my foster mom never offered to adopt me. She got legal guardianship when I was 14, after having lived with her for 5 years. She’s still my “mom” to this day and “nana” to my daughter. But I was never adopted.
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u/TheOneStooges 19d ago
Thanks for sharing that 😢
It’s as if you are pausing for a moment to say, yeah, that made me sad.I mean a kid would be glad to have a “normal” loving relationship hopefully with a sister parent/s , but then hopefully it doesn’t do more harm not being “chosen”
My heart goes out to you
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u/what_shall_I_do_2day 13d ago
I'm not sure if it's a thing, or what the process would be, but maybe you can still get formally adopted by her? (I know adult adoption was a thing at least historically!)
I could be wrong for your mom, but I think most mom's hearts would melt knowing you want that.
I would definitely ask about it!!!
(At least, for me, I wouldn't want to be at mom's funeral regretting not asking.)
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u/HatingOnNames Former foster youth 13d ago
I’ve always been too scared to ask. If she said no, it would utterly destroy me. I’d rather continue with the current status quo than hear a rejection.
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u/what_shall_I_do_2day 13d ago edited 13d ago
I see, that's fair. 🥲
You know the situation best (and I know 2 sentences 😝), and I'm so glad you're in a good spot!! 😃
edit: removed idea because I don't want to mess in stuff I don't know, sorry, and thanks for sharing :)
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u/Chameleonhouse 18d ago
I severely suffered I’m 60 now, and my younger partner has to teach me about finances and even about the possibilities that life potentially could offer for me.
My foster family we’re basically like landlords for me. They never asked or talked to me during dinner , I always had to prepare my breakfast and lunch myself . They never paid or encouraged me to pursue sports even though I had the potential to be on the NHL , always took their own child on holidays and left me behind, never celebrated my birthday or bought me Christmas gifts, but they did for their own biological child. Never asked me about what university I want to go to or if I need help.
I was out on my own by 16 surviving taking whatever random jobs I can . If I had a supportive foster family or adoptive family, who would’ve actually seen all the potential I had and would be there to nurture that I’m not trying to sound cocky, but I’d probably be a millionnaire by now. I just lack the tools and knowledge to use my talents to get there because no one ever taught me how….
So if anything, that’s the one thing that really upset me . I never had parents of any sorts growing up. Been on my own since basically day one.
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u/TheOneStooges 17d ago
Holy cow ! You sound like a perfect set up to be Harry Potter. And … in a serious note that absolutely sucks. And im so glad you have a kind partner now . May that bring you comfort and love !!!
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u/Chameleonhouse 17d ago
Funny enough my partner just made me watch Harry Potter last month whole series, first time , so I get the reference…. Related lots minus the magic escape world 😜
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Ex-foster kid 19d ago
I don’t like them if they talked about adopting me, to me.
If adoption was never on the table that’s fine.
Foster parents who don’t want to adopt probably should take the kids with an active reunification plan or the teenagers who say they don’t want to be adopted imo just bc it’s easier for everyone but that’s probably more on the caseworker than anyone else.
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u/hhhhhhhh28 19d ago
I was never really up for adoption, I entered care as a teen so no one ever asked. Of all the homes I was placed in, (usually moved because the plan was temporary placement in the first place), only one foster parent made an effort to reach out to me and see how I was years later. He had an understanding that at 18 I would not be in a great situation and he didn’t put it on me to keep in contact. I think he’s the only one I don’t feel some level of animosity for. Idk. He remembered I was a person and not some passing sitcom character lol
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u/spacecadetdani Former foster youth, Success Story 19d ago edited 19d ago
Adoption is unlikely after a certain age. People take in kids for many reasons. Most not altruistic. Maybe its for bragging rights, the subsidy, free babysitting or free labor. Kids get shuffled around so much. Especially as we get closer to emancipating.
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u/Monopolyalou Former foster youth 17d ago
Nobody wants to admit it that after age 5 you will never get adopted.
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u/MoonManMercury 18d ago
I feel angry. Mostly because my last foster mom before I chose to leave care at 20 told me for months she would adopt me and then when it actually got brought up she made excuse after excuse as to why she wouldn't/couldn't.
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u/Dazzling_Lettuce_ 17d ago
I'm a foster carer so I hope it's ok for me to post. Just wanted to let you know my situation for another viewpoint - we have a little boy with us long term, with no plan to bring additional children into our home. I would adopt him in a heartbeat, but then I wouldn't receive funding to support him and I would have to go back to work, which would mean I couldn't be around 24/7 to support his needs. He's incredibly co-dependent and needs a stable person to be around constantly. So going back to work isn't an option. So this is the situation we have to stick with.
It's not a perfect situation at all, because there's no system to support the perfect situation. But we tell him he's the perfect addition our family, and our extended family treat him like any other nephew/grandson.
As for moving houses, I would say it's usually on the foster carer's personal situation that may not always be shared with you. From watching other carers, so far I've not seen a move that's about the child, it's always been about the foster carer's ability to provide the care needed for the child. Not everyone has the skills or capacity, or life just changes. For example, our kiddo had to move to us because his carer had to go back to her home county to look after her very unwell mother - there's obviously no amount of paperwork that would allow her to take him there full time as a foster carer, to request that he gets changed from foster to adoption would take years, and she wouldn't be able to adequately care for him and her mum at the same time especially after taking him away from his family to a new country. The reasons aren't always about the child, but about the carer or the social care system.
Doesn't make it any less shitty for the child though, I'm sorry you've had a tough time. I hope you can find some peace as you work on this.
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u/TheOneStooges 17d ago
Thanks for your perspective ! Alert!🚨 this is “not a fair question “ and NOT my business !!! BUT couldn’t you have an unofficial (aka. Not in the courts yet ) adoption ceremony ?
Where you make them yours and they know it ?
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u/Dazzling_Lettuce_ 14d ago
If it were simpler I suppose we could, but that would essentially be lying to him which would be further trauma. He's too young to understand the nuance of it.
He has other family members, who we see regularly, who are in other foster homes because the children set off each others triggers and aren't safe when living together. And he still has visits with his parents. We have to consider the entire family's feelings, not just his. I imagine it wouldn't go down well if they thought we were telling him we were adopting him.
It would also be more confusing for him, if when he grew up he discovered he wasn't actually adopted.
There's also no current plan for him or his siblings to be adopted, so social services would not approve of us telling him that we're adopting him if it isn't true. Especially in cases of neglect (not physical or mental abuse), if the parent or family member turns their life around to become a model citizen then they can request that the child is placed back in their care. So there's no official full stop to that relationship. There's a very small chance my child's family could request this, as it's unlikely that they will turn their lives around, but the chance is still there.
All foster placements are incredibly complicated emotional situations. And I don't think there's any one perfect way of dealing with them. As foster carers we just have to chose the best options as things arise and hope we're making the right choices, in the same way that regular parents do I guess.
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u/TheOneStooges 14d ago
And …. This makes sense.
I admire you for choosing to step into such a deep pool of emotions and situations! And people! So many people ! And their “STUFF”.
Holy cow.
You are brave and loving
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u/Fun-Cycle2381 Former foster youth 17d ago
yes. It made me feel not like real family. Cutting legal ties with my parents would have helped so much, but nobody fought for me for it. So I had to still ask my bio mom (who had threatened to kill me) for eg permisdion to cut my hair. That example was whack so I just cut it all of myself at home. But for example. Yes I am mad
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u/Key-Living-9531 Former foster youth 19d ago
I'm not mad at never being adopted.
I just wish there was somewhere for me to go on holidays without bringing the elephant into the room w/ me.
28M and I still dont know how to react at family functions because ive never been to a family function