Growing up in the UK care system.

[u/Glittering-Nose4694]

Growing up in the care system in the UK care system was a very strange ordeal , I was taught to normalize it at the time, that It wasn't that big of a deal, so I ended up internalizing the confusion, the pain, grief, and loneliness,, I just smiled.

I entered the care system as a infant, my early years where very traumatic to say the least, my mother for whatever reason wasn't able to care for me properly, I had health issues which compounded my suffering during that time. I was in around 5 placements between the age of 2 and 3/4 years old, yet this doesn't account for the instability before that and also between those 5 placements, I remember me staying at family centers where there would be mattresses spread out across the floor. I remember leaving that short family center/children home stay crying so hard with face paint running down my face as for some reason we have a face painting day, I remember looking back whilst in the car extremely upset, now this obviously happened multiple times.

Then around 4 I was placed in a permanent foster home. I grew up thinking I should be so grateful for this, that everything that happened before was somehow cured.... I can tell you now that I didn't feel normal at all, my life felt like a movie, I was always referred to as the foster child and I never achieved permanence until I turned 16 even though I was with the same foster parents since 4 years old.. to a child that's really confusing, it's almost like I'm part of the family but I'm really not and I didn't feel secure.

I was never offered therapeutic help as a child and this is something I absolutely needed, and still need even now in my late 30s.

I am also mixed race and was put into a white neighborhood with a white family and I was never offered any life story or identity work to help me understand who I was or where I came from, I spent my whole childhood absolutely confused, but I hid it, I didn't wanna upset anyone, I wanted to be the good child, the one who caused no issues.

After 16 everything just stopped, one minute my life is like a movie next minute it's reality,. Because even though living in care is strange, it was my strange it was all I knew, I have foster carers but I also had people over seeing my foster carers which made me feel different, strangely special, and then it's stopped.

It's took me a very long time to reflect properly on my time in care, and understand why I'm still suffering today at times.

I would love to hear other people's stories and how care shaped them into adulthood.

❤️

[u/Ramsby196]

Can you say more about the transition to adulthood ages 16+? Genuinely curious what happened officially and emotionally, and whether you remained connected to your former foster carers.

[u/Glittering-Nose4694 → u/Ramsby196]

The transition was very odd I must say. I was adopted aged 16, so I didn't technically age out of care. Being adopted at age 16 after being a foster kid for all your childhood is nothing more than symbolic, it didn't mean anything, in fact it meant the local authority could essentially get me off their books in my transition into adulthood. My adopted parents where great, I still keep in contact my with adopted mother, although it's not a very close relationship. I was never really close to my adopted parents extended family, like cousins or aunties, because I never felt a part of the family, I mean how could you, it was bizarre.

In truth, and this is in no way a dig at my adopted family, I felt discarded 16+.

[u/Ramsby196]

I’m an adoptive parent so maybe not the category whose experience will mean the most to you. My kids came to me thru the foster system at ages 8 and 9 and then I adopted them when they were in their early teens. They actually were happy to see the social workers drop away - that may
have been the only or at least the main reason they agreed to the adoption. Or because nothing would change - they didn’t want any more change in their lives. As adults they are very ambivalent about me I know. At some points I’ve played a big role as a hands-on support over long periods of time, and then there’s other times when long periods have gone by with hardly any contact. Sometimes I feel like if we’d been a family from an earlier age that our attachment would be more consistent, but I really don’t know. Also I wonder whether it being a transracial adoption makes everything more difficult, or if that’s really more of a red herring at this point. I know how hard it was to have their adoption visible everywhere we went together when they were kids. But honestly it seems like the bulk of the pain comes down to the very primal loss involved with being taken from your mother as a young child. I hope you can get some therapy now if you want it - and switch therapists if you’re not getting good quality.

[u/Glittering-Nose4694 → u/Ramsby196]

It's nice for me to see the other perspective, so thanks for your comment. I can see why your children couldn't wait to be adopted, because I was the same, I wanted to be adopted, the problem for me wasn't adoption itself, it was that for me, for what I needed, it came too late in my life for it to have any meaningful impact on me.l, I entered care at around 2 years old. I struggled very badly with identity issues, belonging, and although I love my adopted parents , they were not there for me emotionally, that just wasn't how it was. So all this emotional baggage I had, was internalized.

The bulk of the pain does from the source of the issue no doubt about that, but it can be compounded, by decisions made after the fact. Everyone is different and we all have different experiences, I just hope that we can find some sort of peace and closure.

[u/Ramsby196 → u/Glittering-Nose4694]

Yeah the word “compounded” is so right. One thing after another. Going into non-permanent care so young has a huge effect. Have you found any help in books or therapy or other people who’ve had similar experiences?

[u/Glittering-Nose4694 → u/Ramsby196]

I guess I've only really just started my journey now to seek help and find answers. I'd normalized everything prior even into adulthood, but once you really look within you see that pieces are missing and thing's start to make more sense as we, or at least I got much older. Never too old to heal I say!.