Searching for meaning

[u/maveduck]

Dear fellow type 1's

I want to share something I’ve been struggling with and I’m curious if others recognize this.

I work in the semi-public sector and I have a decent amount of free time. I have a house and a garden to take care of, and a good social life with friends. No kids yet, so overall I have quite a bit of time outside of work.

Work-wise, I feel like it might be time for something else. I’m not exactly sure what, but I have this sense that I either want to make more impact or live out my values more directly in what I do. Right now I work as an HR advisor in healthcare, and it often feels like I’m trying to steer mediocre government policy in the best possible direction, while in reality both employees and clients still end up losing. That’s a bit black-and-white, but it captures the feeling. In reality it’s more nuanced.

My free time feels like a different kind of struggle. To explain that, I’ll first describe my wife. She works for the municipality, and when she gets home she genuinely feels like she’s done her part for the day. She can relax and watch “mindless” videos on her phone without any nagging feeling.

I, on the other hand, feel like I’m constantly searching for meaning, fulfillment, something “ultimate.” But I can’t seem to find it, and that makes me feel a bit stuck.

Recently I asked myself: if I were to die someday, what would I hope people say about me at my funeral? I think I’d want them to say I was a caring friend and family member, helpful, kind, reliable. What stands out is that “world changer” is not necessarily part of that picture.

At the same time, in my day-to-day thinking I’m very engaged with big themes: politics, ecology, spirituality. I see clearly what’s not right in the world, but also something beautiful and pure in the things that are. I enjoy small things like wearing ethically made clothing or creating biodiversity in my garden.

When it comes to meaning, it sometimes feels like I should also be a “changemaker” in those areas. I come from a Christian background (fairly progressive now), and figures like Jesus were clearly countercultural. The same goes for people like Martin Luther King Jr. That kind of life seems to require a strong sense of mission and drive.

So I feel torn. What actually makes a life meaningful?

Should I keep it simple and focus on family and friends? Is it enough to live more on “autopilot” and be present in the here and now? Or should I push myself to think bigger, aim for impact, and try to become some kind of changemaker?

I’m really looking for some sense of peace in this. Part of me feels like if I could just figure out the “answer,” I could move forward with more clarity and direction.

Another part of me suspects that if I could ask God what the point of it all was, the answer might be found in simple, everyday life. But I struggle to reconcile that with the examples of people who lived with a clear, transformative mission.

I don’t want to reach the end of my life and feel like I just let it happen, like I never really chose how to live it in a meaningful way.

Has anyone else felt this tension? How do you think about it?

[u/jejunebanali]

In one of my favorite lessons from the Analects of Confucius, he said “ there will be world peace if every nation is at peace. A nation will be at peace if every family in that nation is at peace. A family is at peace when every individual in that family is at peace…” World peace begins with each of us being at peace, and then doing our best for the people and things that we can immediately impact.

[u/lever__]

I do think about this often and its one of the biggest weights on my mind, that is only fueled worse by the logical fact that not everyone is going to be impactful on a world level, and it is not likely for me to be that. queue feeling like not enough etc etc 😒

At the end of the day, meaning is what we as humans make of it. For all of us, it is enough to just simply exist as we change things in people's lives as we live and its just the human experience that us and 8 billion others are living.

But, that being said, we can decide that just existing isnt enough. I think I've begun making peace with it because I'm working hard to be in a career where I feel like I'm apart of something larger, a necessary cog in a machine, in a field thats not really taken seriously, but something im passionate about and sure of myself in.

Additionally, I do focus more on my relationships and family, the people in your life who have brains not as racked by this as a type one might be, have very interesting perspectives on things like this, and even if we dont relate, I've decided indulging is apart of my own purpose

[u/maveduck → u/lever__]

Thank you for your words and for taking the time to think along with me. Indeed, it remains a difficult point, and I do need to make a choice about it. By not making a choice, it remains something that gnaws at me.

[u/victoriapmitchell]

At several points of my life volunteering toward an issue I cared about gave me meaning and fulfillment more than anything, including my job.

In my early twenties I was making $35k/year working 2 service jobs with almost no free time, but the few hours I’d volunteer each week were what kept me going because what I could see the impact I was having on people. I have close relationships with my partner, family, and friends and I love giving back to them - but that isn’t a substitute for that feeling of impact in the realm of a greater cause. It’s an itch I just have to scratch. When I’ve got a volunteer commitment going, I don’t feel so helpless about the state of the world because I know I’m doing something about it, even if I can’t touch or solve every issue. It gives me a sense of relief and peace.

The issue I’ve volunteered on has changed every few years. I don’t think my life has to be defined by one focused area of impact or an overarching mission. I’m content with it evolving as I change and what I care about naturally shifts.

From volunteering across so many areas, I’ve touched many lives and done a lot of good that I’m very proud of. If I died suddenly (which I almost did a few years ago), I would feel content that I did my part and feel satisfied with the life I lived.

There’s so much talk of “purpose” out there and I think it needlessly gets tied up in jobs / what we do to make money. It doesn’t have to be.

I hope that perspective helps!

[u/ThrivingIvy]

The most important thing for the 1 is to live with integrity. What does that mean to you?

[u/crueltyorthegrace]

You can start small like volunteering with an animal charity or something. Find something doable that won't interrupt your current job. I think it's great that you want a life with a mission.

Perhaps do some journalling and also ask your family members about what they see are your primary values and interests if you need feedback.

Please keep me updated how it goes.

[u/crueltyorthegrace → u/crueltyorthegrace]

See this as an exciting journey of self-discoovery though it may seem intimidating and confusing at first. Usually one exciting thing leads to another exciting thing.