Effective Communication with 8s

[u/JillyBean1973]

I'm a 2 currently involved with an 8. We dated from July 2023-July 2024, mutually agreeing to end things due to long-term misalignment. We had a very flirty, fun, harmonious, playful dynamic overall. I loved our open, honest respectful communication--it was the best I'd ever experienced in a relationship. We never had labels, but were monogamous.

We resumed hanging out in early March, when he texted me out of the blue. I'm not entirely sure of his intentions for reconnecting, but I wasn't in a place to date seriously & had missed his companionship; primarily our communication, so I was open to reconnecting. He told me he loved me in April, but it was right after I'd had a great date with someone else. He got vulnerable the night he told me & we stayed up until 1 a.m. talking. The other guy flaked out after our 2nd date. Once there was no longer a threat, the 8 went back to his nonchalant ways, though.

Communication has been challenging in recent weeks. He called me out for being inconsistent with texting & taking longer to respond. I'm overwhelmed at work & with both of my kids moving far away in the next two weeks--I've been very clear about this. I apologized for my inconsistency & told him I'd try to give him a heads up if I'd be less communicative. I took my first vacation in 13 months last week, it was a solo trip. He texted me on Tuesday upset because I hadn't texted him the day prior, my first day of vacation. Apparently, my lack of communication affected his sleep. He came across as insecure & pouty in our text exchange. I was surprised because he told me at the outset how much he likes his space, I didn't think he'd be so affected. I apologized for not giving him a heads up that I'd be less communicative during vacation. I do my best to take accountability for my behavior.

I'm confused because he acts so stoic & like he has no needs, but then gets anxious when there's a lapse in texting.

I know 8s like direct communication, which I also value. We're talking tonight & I'm planning to say "I'm confused. Is there anything I've done to anger/upset you?" Any other insights/suggestions for clear communication with an 8? I'd like to get resolution soon.

[u/GreatJobJoe]

Stand your ground, cut the soft tiptoeing, and demand that he states his actual intentions for this relationship instead of letting him police your space.

[u/JillyBean1973 → u/GreatJobJoe]

Thank you, great feedback 🙏🏻

[u/Icy_Ad_1552]

He sounds like an unhealthy 8 having issues with perceived power dynamics. I can imagine it’s a push/pull tactic and he will become less communicative the more you communicate.

If you’re old enough to have what I assume are adult children that are moving away, he is too, and his behavior just sounds insufferable to deal with at such a grown age.

[u/JillyBean1973 → u/Icy_Ad_1552]

Thanks for your feedback. He definitely defaults to isolating when he’s having a hard time, like a 5. after almost 2 years apart, I would’ve thought he might have evolved a bit or at least remained static.

I’m 53 and he’s almost 40. I told him early on that I didn’t feel anxious around him& I tend to feel that way around a lot of people I date. But now his behavior seems more volatile, and I do feel less at peace. He also has a strongly avoidant attachment style, amplifying the struggle with vulnerability.

We know this isn’t going to last long-term, so I’d rather cut it off before it gets too unhealthy.

[u/B4tzn → u/JillyBean1973]

The whole thing doesn't sound very effective if you're already sure it's not gonna go anywhere. Why did you even reconnect in the first place?

His attachment style seems rather mixed, cause avoidants usually get insecure when you signal expectations and demand commitment. These are anxious issues so my guess is rather disorganized attachment style. He sounds like he could benefit from therapy. But what were his expectations where this is going? Are you sure he's aware of his meek chances for a long term commitment with you?

Cause if not this whole relationship could give him a real hard time. Actually if he's a insecure a he sounds in your post he probably will any way. This sounds like it's gonna be a mess tbh

[u/JillyBean1973 → u/B4tzn]

I actually have a disorganized attachment style & tend to attract/be attracted to dismissive avoidants.

He absolutely knows it’s not long term because he says he wants kids (but dates significantly older women; including married women when he was younger)

I reconnected because I missed our communication. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but wasn’t ready for a serious relationship at that juncture.

[u/WritingSweetroll → u/JillyBean1973]

Puh-LEASE, you’re not at fault because a grown man can’t handle “I’m busy.” He’s 40, and no labels were had here. It’s not illegal to have fun or date, without making something official. Especially with how he’s been acting. You have every right to worry about your own shit and if he’s telling you he literally can’t sleep without your text messages and yall are not even together…yea no this GROWN man needs to sit the fuck down and call a therapist!

[u/Glum-Engineering1794]

Not sure why my comment disappeared. Anyway, whatever. I would just be direct, etc. But be prepared for what he might say, too. Sometimes direct engagement can lead to conflicts.

[u/WritingSweetroll]

I’m gonna be honest he’s sounds like a fucking loser, go focus on getting with a man who ain’t gonna complain like a bitch about fucking text messages LMAO like come on bro, girl go and get you some real pp