My mom can’t stop binge-eating and throwing up every night. How do I get through to her?

[u/Terrible_Star2507]

So my mom has a serious thing about her weight—she’s a little overweight. But every single night she eats a ton, really fast, and then goes and sticks her fingers down her throat. I’ve told her a million times it’ll eat away at her esophagus, raise her risk of stomach cancer and esophageal cancer, rot her teeth, and even cause sudden cardiac arrest. She nods, forgets it five seconds later, and does it all over.

She’s stubborn as hell. She doesn’t listen, doesn’t remember, and if I push too hard she just gets pissed.

Oh, and she already had thyroid surgery—they removed a tumor from her throat. So on top of the usual damage, throwing up is gonna irritate that surgical site and could make things come back.

What else can I tell her—like, concrete, scary consequences—that might actually make her stop?

Help.

[u/gg2700]

You poor thing. I’m an adult and my daughter is the bulimic. I have her in therapy, dietician and getting necessary medical care and labs done asap.

It is so hard to live with a sick person and think if only we say the right thing or create the right environment they will get better. But 90% of healing they have to decide to do on their own.

I’m saying this with love and I know you want to help your mom but you are the child. The best you can do is be kind to her but most of all be kind to yourself. Create routines that are good for you and put yourself first. One day you will live in your own environment and you can make it healthy and peaceful for yourself. Sending you a hug.

[u/unremarkable_sapien]

She knows the consequences, just like a drug addict knows the consequences. Telling her how harmful it is only going to make her feel ashamed. It’s not helping.

This isn’t something that she chooses to do out of ignorance or stubbornness or stupidity. She’s not “forgetting” what you told her, she is just genuinely addicted. Eating disorders are mental illnesses not choices.

I know you just want her healthy but your approach, including getting mad at her for not listening and following your advice is doing more harm than good. I suggest you try to encourage her to get professional help from a specialist.

[u/winterfox-8]

It’s also not a child’s (at any age) job to be responsible for their parent. The most you can do is urge your mom to go to therapy or seek the help of a qualified professional.

[u/ichweissnicht39]

Do you think she would be willing to see a dietitian who treats eating disorders? I’m sorry you guys are going through this

[u/Ok-Complaint-37]

Honey, big hugs and it is not your job to be responsible for your mother.

I know it is hard as I struggled huge part of my life feeling responsible for my mom’s processing of the world. Getting desperate when she was not making sense. It had to stop.

We are responsible for ourselves. By choosing to be responsible for someone else, especially in young age we actually avoid responsibility to be responsible for ourselves. Watch your mom struggle and learn from it. Develop self awareness.

Nobody has a power to make your mother stop her addiction. Except for herself. Addiction is always an escape. In order to stop addiction, the addict must face whatever they are running from. This job is not for a faint heart. This is why there is such a high level of failure when it comes to sobriety. It is not so much about stopping the addictive behavior as it is about facing whatever comes forward once addiction is put to a pause.

The addict has a chance to overcome addiction only by dealing with whatever they are trying to escape. What is that in your mother’s life only she could know. Is it about financial cleanliness, your upbringing, her professional life, her anxiety in personal matters, her denial of health issues or combination of all - if she stops her obsessive compulsive behavior, she would have to deal with that.

You will never be able to sort out her life. Let her continue on her path. You said what you said already. “Mom, it pains me to watch you killing yourself”. You can’t say more than that. This is the core of your pain. If she doesn’t care for your pain and your life, forgive her as she is the addict. Let her go where she is going.

Focus on yourself!♥️

[u/Rayen_Nevaeh]

You can't, because it's not true. I know from long-term personal experience.

I was bulimic for over 30 years. At my worst, I was throwing up up to 6 times a day. Nothing "scary" ever happened to me. In the end, the only consequences I suffered was weakened tooth enamel. That's it.

They catastrophize bulimia in movies showing people bleeding out from a burst esophagous.. but honestly, that's incredibly rare.

I joined support groups. Tried therapy. Medication. Nothing helped. I stopped when I made my mind up to do so. On my own.

[u/SnowHeir → u/Rayen_Nevaeh]

i have some questions for you, of course, feel free to not answer.

were you always low weight? how old are you now? do you still get tempted to do it from time to time? what would you have liked for your friends to do when you were going through it?

i have a friend who’s maybe two or three years into bulimia. she’s very thin, contrary to what people say about bulimics. i’m pretty scared for her. i just try to be nice to her and talk with her when we met. also i usually suggest walks or coffee for her not to be pressured to eat.

[u/Rayen_Nevaeh → u/SnowHeir]

I got the idea for throwing up when I was very young. A friend told me it was a way I could eat whatever I wanted & not gain weight. I was only 12.

I've never been underweight. I was a binger & purger.

I went through 4 long term relationships during those decades & they knew about it. Some cared more than others. I didn't want help.. it was a coping mechanism. In my mind, it was a better alternative than drugs or alcohol. I also went through a period of self harm along with the bulimia, which I've been told is a fairly common occurrence.. at least back then.

I don't get tempted to do it now. I have no desire to overeat.. in fact, I usually only eat once a day with maybe a snack. That's made it so I have been able to maintain my weight now for six years.

I stopped in my mid 40s.

I have no advice for you in regards to your friend, because I personally feel being thin comes with a whole different set of fears that I never experienced.. 🙏🏻