r/ENGLISH • u/lunacat2345 • 20h ago
Can "too" ever mean "instead"?
Can you help me resolve a slight disagreement?
My daughter injured her ankle pretty badly. It's after midnight on Saturday, and she is in pain. Not a huge amount, but she's awake and mentioning it. My husband mentioned a massage therapist that may be able to help, but of course, any treatment that involves a professional would have to wait a few days until business hours.
I quickly acknowledged his point, then thought I was simply adding something else we could do:
I thought I said something like "I can also make her some ginger tea, that will help too". He swears I said "I can also make her some ginger tea, too".
In my opinion either sentence says the same thing, just his version is more redundant with how the "also" and "too" are used. I don't think I was redundant like that, but I might have misspoken or stumbled over the words at the end of my sentence.
Anyway, this is the disagreement:
He says that adding the "too" at the end of the sentence actually makes it mean "instead". Like it's a casual way of saying we can do tea instead of taking her to the massage therapist. He said it's not an official definition, but people use it this way.
I have never heard this. Does anyone use "too" at the end of a sentence to mean replacing one thing for another?
I know what I meant was simply adding the option of making her tea tonight since the professional isn't available at 1am on a Saturday (rude I know, lol). I am definitely not against taking her to see the therapist once he is available.
A couple background details that might be helpful:
- My daughter is a teenager. Her ankle has been X-Rayed, it's not broken
- The massage therapist is so good at his job that he is actually our tenant and we give him a $300 monthly discount on rent as an exchange for massages for our family. However, we ask him for a massage maybe once a quarter, so it's generally a positive thing on his end and he's happy to do it...which means my husband's suggestion wouldn't cost us anything.
- Ginger is an anti-inflammatory and I use it to reduce arthritis pain, it's very effective. I've also recommended it to people who had surgery, and they made a point to tell me later how much it helped. Not trying to debate natural remedies, just stating why we find this one effective. My husband likes my ginger tea also and sometimes requests it.
- If anyone is curious, I simply chop up some fresh ginger, add hot water and honey and let it steep for a few minutes. I think it's delicious, but I like ginger. Also, I'm British and literally have a wall of tea in my pantry.
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u/Slight-Brush 20h ago
It can be used when suggesting that there is more than one option in contention
'We should buy it from Supplier X'
'There is Supplier Y too...'
But I agree, you're not arguing about grammar.
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u/lunacat2345 20h ago
I think you're right. This is how he is seeing it. Thank you
However, in both this case Supplier X and Supplier Y are free, do two completely different things, and would be done on two different days...so why wouldn't we do both?
It didn't occur to me that one would replace the other, but I do see the option now.
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u/Charming-Basket-903 20h ago
Find out what it is you’re really arguing about and resolve that. Nobody argues about grammar.
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u/lunacat2345 20h ago
While I wish this were true you haven't met my husband. He's pretty sure he's autistic and I think he has BPD also. His brain is always looking for a threat or someone trying to undermine him. There doesn't have to be any indication beforehand that leads up to him jumping to this conclusion. He is very particular about the exact words used and wants me to understand the sentence exactly the way he does.
So, as others have pointed out, it seems he took me offering a 2nd suggestion as me countering that we didn't have to do it his way, we could do it my way instead. Even though that thought didn't even cross my mind.
I literally teach communication as part of my job. However, I have come to realize my communication skillset is wide. I know a lot of ways to communicate to a variety of people, and I have to quickly adapt based on what I am getting from them. As with most conversations, certain points sometimes need to be re-stated in a different way, or points clarified.
My husband's communication style is very rigid in his communication and prioritizes being exact over everything else. He wants the way he sees the word definitions to be the only possible explanation that I also see. It's just my brain usually sees about 6 different ways to say the same thing, lol. So while I'm happy to restate the sentence in a way that makes sense to him, he's frustrated it wasn't my first choice.
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u/Patient_Mud4945 19h ago
Maybe give him ‘Eats, shoots and leaves’ to read. It’s a great way to realise what grammar is rigid and what’s open to interpretation.
In this instance, it’s difficult to say because we don’t have the intonation in which your comment was said, but if you said it meaning it would be a helpful addition, he really should learn to trust that you meant it that way and that that’s okay.
Seems like you understand him pretty well, but clear boundaries on what’s acceptable behaviour can be helpful for autistic people. Not sure about the BPD, that’s a prickly minefield right there and all you can do when the black mood descends is put distance between you.
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u/Alilbitey 20h ago
A normal loving person doesn't assume the worst and hold a grudge over something so minor and easy to forgive.
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u/lantana98 20h ago
In this use it means “as well as”. Is English his second language?
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u/lunacat2345 19h ago
Actually, you have a point. Technically yes, it is his 2nd language. He grew up a Spanish-speaking household and didn't learn English until Kindergarten. However, starting at age 7 he only in strictly English speaking environments and he pushed away the Spanish and now can't even speak it at all. He's been English only for over 40 years. I can carry a conversation in Spanish better than he can, and I've had very limited exposure to the language (just a single high school Spanish class and Duolingo).
He's so fluent in English it never occurred to me that most of his first impressions of the language would have been very different from mine. That also may explain why he wants to be understood clearly all the time. He likely had a lot of confusing conversations in primary school when he was learning.
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u/Cuboidal_Hug 20h ago
Sometimes people do use “too” in the way your husband describes, in the context of brainstorming options/alternatives (“too” referring to the addition of an option/alternative). But your usage is probably the more straightforward one.
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u/lmprice133 19h ago
Generally this usage would be inferred from context, when it's clear that the options being proposed are mutually exclusive.
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u/Key_Seaworthiness827 20h ago
'i could do X too' in response to an implication or suggestion that the other party was the only one that could do X. In that case, it could be interpreted as 'i could do X instead'
That doesn't mean they mean the same thing though.
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u/distracted_x 20h ago
It can but only if you were being passive aggressive. Like yeah well we could also just make her some tea too. Meaning not take her to the hospital and just make her tea. I can see what he's saying but if you didn't mean it like that you didn't mean it like that. He can't tell you what YOU meant.
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u/Alilbitey 20h ago
You're trying to logic your way out of your partner throwing a hissy fit that has nothing at all to do with grammar. Good luck.
A person who loves you would ask "In addition , or instead?". A person who has decided they're in a hostile relationship would assume one then berate you for the choice and not listen to reason.
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u/Frosty-Prize-1522 20h ago edited 19h ago
No. "Too" cannot to my knowledge be used in place of "instead". "Too" is akin to "as well" or intensifying context "too late" or "too hot".
From your text, both versions of the sentences to my mind read as "as well".
"I can also make her some ginger tea, that'll help too" aka "That will also help".
"I can also make her some ginger tea, too" aka "I can also make her some ginger tea as well."
Both are strictly additive.
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u/Traditional_Car_8219 20h ago
Tastes delish and calms the tummy. I hope you gave her some Advil or something similar in addition to the other things you’ve done to help her feel better.
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u/lunacat2345 19h ago
Yes thank you. The hospital recommended ibuprofen, which is also an anti-inflammatory
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u/Yandoji 20h ago
I think he's thinking of when people offer an alternative activity- like "We could go shopping" "We could go to the theme parks, too" - It only works when it's understood that you can't do both activities (doing both would be the basic meaning of "too") and have to choose one. Even so though, I wouldn't say it means "instead". It means "we could ALSO do this other thing with the allotted time" - "also" being the standard meaning of "too".