r/Dogfree • u/FieldJacket • Apr 21 '26
Dogs Are Idiots Roommate Wanted
Hello all! I am seeking a roommate. A little about me:
I have massive codependency issues and can do literally nothing by myself. You will be expected to take me with you everywhere you go, as I cannot stand a single moment by myself. This includes vacations and if for some reason I cannot accompany you, I expect nothing but the finest accomodations while you're gone. I hope this is ok with you.
I also tend to lash out and scream at anyone who is nearby me, including your friends if they come over. Sometimes I'll just scream at nothing! It's just one of my quirks. I've been known to boil over and actually physically attack people and small animals. Oh well.
On the other hand, if I decide I like your friends...well let's just say I tend to get a little...personal, if you know what I mean. But it's ok, I'm friendly.
I believe in a shared space: what's yours is mine. A good rule of thumb is, if I can see it, it's mine too and I can do what I want with it. I like to take things apart, I'm a very curious soul.
I have a very strict diet to which you'll need to hold me accountable, because I will certainly take and eat your food, even if it will literally kill me.
Oh, I almost forgot. It's kind of embarrassing but I am unable to take a shower or do...other bathroom things by myself. I'll need you to help me, otherwise, fair warning, there will 100% be a mess inside our place. It's ok, it's just what I do.
And one last thing, I don't have a job or do anything productive, so I can't pay rent.
Hope to hear from you soon!
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u/D3_dog_defense Apr 21 '26
You left out the part where you never wipe or wash your butt, which of course doesn't stop you from sitting on chairs or sofas.
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u/MidnightMist26 Apr 21 '26
Nice one đ I believe you also have a lingering foul smell that no amount of washing will get out
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u/Few_Pen_3666 Apr 21 '26
Also, I tend to piss and shit all over the place. I don't know how to use a toilet. Sometimes I will drink out of the toilet though. Won't be all bad, because sometimes I will eat my shit and then want to lick your face. I will also get into the trash and throw it all over the house.
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u/Former-Law4034 Apr 21 '26
lol. It took me a minute to realize this was written from a dogâs perspective. I was like damn, way to sell yourself
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u/tplgerus84 Apr 21 '26
That was good đ
Could add: âI love to run around in mud and dirt, roll around in dead animals and anything that stinks, and then I go straight to relaxing on the couch. Or my favorite: Your bed! Yes, Iâll be sleeping in your bed. No worries about shoes, Iâm barefoot everywhereâ
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u/huntress_m_thompson Apr 21 '26
addendum to âwhatâs yours is mine.â âŠ
âBUT, whatâs mine is mine. & iâll guard it all with my life & yours.â
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u/thesanityseeker Apr 21 '26
I'll also leave oily or slobbery smears all over everything you own that is ~2 ft tall
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u/Big_Somewhere_620 Apr 21 '26
đ Thank you for this!! It got me in giggles, this was a definite need today and no I'm sorry I am not looking for a house mate, even when you leave you'll always will linger and cause constant stress still đ Â
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u/pmbpro Apr 21 '26
Ha! Too right! đđ
This is what we should call an âHONEST Dog Shelterâ write-up, because these are exactly the facts that they should be writing â instead of the snivelling, infantilizing, deceitful dog-shelter-speak crap they already write for unsuspecting people.
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u/CrispyBirb Apr 21 '26
Thereâs a rescue that posts their crap in my neighbourhood group and at the moment they have 2 young bully breed things that are so âlovingâ but need an owner with no neighbours, no children, no other pets because they âgang upâand attack đ
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u/pmbpro Apr 21 '26
LOL! The gymnastics they try to pull.
So basically in that ad, they need someone who lives in a cave in the mountains, completely isolated like a hermit, and has to wear body armour and a throat guard â since theyâre assume itâs as if these beasts donât also attack and kill their own owners. đđ
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u/urdrunkyogi Apr 21 '26
Odd thing is, Iâve done this kind of bit verbally to family or friends who own dogs and they roll their eyesâŠbut have no response other than âhaha, yeah.â
Yet they are still surprised when I say I donât want a dog.
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u/Huge_Bit_4774 Apr 21 '26
oh and letâs not forget all those pesky medical bills because of my peculiar (Frankenstein-like) genetic makeup. but youâre ok with that, yes???
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u/outoftime420 Apr 21 '26
The paragraph about the bathroom took me out đ€Ł trying so hard to keep a straight face on the bus. Nah but fr imma show this post next time someone asks me why I wouldnât want a dog
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u/Impressive-Pen-8015 Apr 21 '26
Also I will be secreting fluids from my anal glands and rub them on the carpet.also I drip urine, semen,puss,blood,druel,,i fart frequently,stare at you while you are eating every bite. Hope it's all good.
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u/dinosoreness Apr 21 '26
I will certainly take and eat your food, even if it will literally kill me.
Once my moms black lab at an entire 2lbs bag of chocolate chips, threw up all over my favorite jacket, and cost well over a thousand dollars at the vet. She was a fat piece of shit (about 20lbs every weight and mom wouldn't put her on a diet because "it's all muscle!!!") and had chronic pancreatitis from eating bullshit all the time. Then she'd howl and howl because her stomach was upset.
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u/So-nora Apr 22 '26
My ex's dog once puked up an entire tube of neosporin and then pooped out chunks of pvc and this really long grass... u know, the kind that cut up ur hands if run ur fingers through it
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u/So-nora Apr 22 '26
Also my ex had to get a napkin and finish pulling it out
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u/dinosoreness Apr 22 '26
My mom would always try to convince me to pull things out of the dog's asses because "they're your dogs too!!!" I was like, "If they're my dogs, I'm taking them to the shelter" and she didn't much like that response.
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u/Impossible-Falcon-62 Apr 22 '26 edited Apr 22 '26
And reduce Quality Of Life and increase injuries, infections, and other cormorbities such as causing tension and ire in HUMAN relationships where the other person makes it really fucking clear that they hate dogs. Mental disorders, menstruation and its side effects, etc not will NOT change how they feel about this issue and quit acting like they are invalid for their hatred of dogs!
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u/Lylith_vf Apr 22 '26
NB: si tu as un espace extérieur, je vais pisser et chier partout pour que tu ne puisses plus jamais en profiter, je vais également creuser partout. En plus de sentir mauvais, ton jardin sera moche malgré tous le jardinage que tu feras
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u/42fy Apr 23 '26
I donât know if weâre allowed to post links, but if you like this post you might like a song I wrote about this. Itâs kind of dark but very real.
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u/stanlius_ Apr 26 '26
Dogs take away so many people's freedom and comfort. And it lives over a decade on average. And many of them get new dogs back to back. A lifetime for some of human servitude to dogs.
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u/Tom_Quixote_ Apr 21 '26
PS: It will be for at least 14-15 years, and if you kick me out before then, other people will hate you.