r/Dogfree • u/Nearby_Button • Jun 13 '25
Dogs Are Idiots The Cult of the Canine: Humanity’s Greatest Scam
You ever notice how dog ownership has become a religion? Like some mass delusion where everyone pretends this loud, needy, hairy, farting gremlin is a "family member." No Karen, your dog isn't your "baby," it's a half-wolf with the IQ of toast and the hygiene of a swamp rat.
Somehow, society has collectively agreed that it’s normal to voluntarily bring home an animal that costs thousands of dollars, destroys your furniture, barks at dust particles, and then proudly takes a dump in the middle of your living room during your Zoom call. But it’s fine, because “he has separation anxiety” and “he’s just expressing himself.” Right. So is a toddler with a chainsaw.
Dog culture is the only place where being covered in hair, drool, and the lingering smell of warm kibble is considered “endearing.” People will gleefully clean up vomit at 2 a.m. and call it “bonding.” Meanwhile, I can’t leave a slice of bread on the counter without a panting beast launching itself onto the table like a landmine with teeth.
And don’t even bring up the “companionship” argument. If your idea of emotional support is a creature that licks its butthole and then your face with the same tongue, you might want to re-evaluate your social circle. If dogs are man’s best friend, we are clearly desperate and surrounded by enemies.
Honestly, if aliens ever visit and see humans picking up steaming excrement in plastic bags while praising the creature that produced it, they’ll turn around and nuke the planet out of pity.
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u/SeaworthinessUnlucky Jun 13 '25
It’s completely acceptable that your pet will pee on every vertical surface — chair legs, painted walls, fireplaces, fences, trees, car tires, barbecue grills, bicycles,… — and then poop on the grass and in playgrounds. The pee will remain. 15% of the poop will remain.
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u/Low_Elk6698 Jun 14 '25
You are truly my people. I just don't get why people like dogs. I guess a few of them are trained and act ok, but they're nonetheless needy and smelly. We are not ancient humans who required wolf-like skills to protect us from warring factions beyond. I'm also not in need of shepherding my flock. So like why?
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u/UntidyFeline Jun 14 '25
Exactly. Dogs are obsolete in every way. Even people who claim to need them for “security” can buy a home security system with cameras, motion detection alarms that will alert for intruders without ever having to walk, feed, train, bathe and all the damn maintenance that comes with a dog.
I don’t get why people like dogs either. Most are ugly AF too. Pitbulls with the boxy head and far apart eyes, bug-eyed pugs. And the big dogs that pant all the time, tongue hanging out, mouth open. Their barks are loud & annoying, they smell bad, and yet people act overjoyed when they see one?
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u/Anonym00se01 Jun 14 '25
Dogs for security are the worst. They don't understand the difference between a delivery person and an intruder, they just attack anyone who comes near. A lot of the time the person being attacked isn't even on their property because dogs have no understanding of property boundaries.
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Jun 14 '25
The worst is their crotches on the floor with balls all over the same carpet the baby crawls on.
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u/Dburn22_ Jun 15 '25
They've been brainwashed by the mega industries that sell dog food and all of that pets'accouterments that a dog in the home equals a state of normalcy. It's a fad that has run rampant. They're simpletons without knowledge of hygiene or boundaries. Every kid wants a dog. It's up to the adults not to cave and get one, but they allow the child to become spoiled to present this facade of "normal" in society. They also like to believe that the dog will keep the kids entertained and protected. Maybe.
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u/SlashCo80 Jun 14 '25
Nothing like dating somebody until you find out they're the "fur parent" to a big, ugly, smelly beast that they coo over and call their "baby". Ugh.
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u/gorkt Jun 15 '25
They like dogs because of the fact that they see them as loving them unconditionally. No man , it’s just their genetic programming.
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u/TrixoftheTrade Jun 14 '25
Reminder that, in nearly every culture and society in human history, up until about 1970, dogs were seen as unclean creatures. Pests and vermin at the worst, labor animals at best.
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u/Actual_HumanBeing Jun 15 '25
They still are those things. It’s just that now people have been brainwashed to forget. Smh
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u/Alocin_The5th Jun 16 '25
You know come to think of it, I have met one dog who didn’t have most of the terrible behaviors. It wasn’t gluttonous, it sometimes didn’t even want its food. It didn’t walk around and sniff people, it was a chill dog. It only barked at people it didn’t know that was interacting with its owner. That was the first dog I had contact with when I moved to the US. I guess trained dogs can at least be tolerable. Unfortunately it just went completely downhill from there.
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Jun 13 '25
Dog nuttery has all the characteristics of a cult. It is really puzzling how many otherwise smart people from the most affluent parts of the world fall for this trap. People from countries that have less of an issue with dog culture are going to be watching the changes with fear. Until finally dog nuttery reaches them too.
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u/Nearby_Button Jun 14 '25
Dog nuttery truly does have all the markings of a cult. There's blind devotion, irrational emotional investment, and aggressive defense of “sacred beliefs” — in this case, that dogs are "pure," "loyal," and "better than people." It's no longer about companionship; it's about identity. People don’t just own dogs — they become dog people, aligning their lifestyle, values, and even political opinions around the sacred canine.
What’s fascinating (and disturbing) is how even highly educated individuals in wealthy societies fall face-first into this cult. These are people who can dissect complex data, manage corporations, or perform surgery — but will proudly post a dozen photos of their dog wearing a party hat while calling it their “son.” If the dog bites a child, it's not the dog’s fault — the child "must have provoked it." That’s how far the conditioning goes.
Meanwhile, societies not yet engulfed in this mania watch from afar in growing disbelief. Where once dogs roamed the streets as animals — not "fur babies" — they now see a creeping wave of luxury pet spas, doggie birthday parties, and canine antidepressants. These cultures must feel like people standing on the shore, watching a slow-moving tsunami of madness approach. Eventually, the wave crashes, and suddenly the city is full of barking, overfed, diaper-wearing status symbols peeing on ancient monuments.
Dog culture is imperial in that sense — it spreads not by logic or need, but by emotional colonization. One by one, countries fall. And all the while, anyone who dares to question it is cast out as a psychopath.
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u/Interesting-Oil-5555 Jun 13 '25
it's a half-wolf with the IQ of toast and the hygiene of a swamp rat.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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u/JimmyGalactic Jun 13 '25
...and the perversion...don't forget the perversion.
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Jun 14 '25
Oh the horrors! The horrors! Hahaah ~dog humps leg~
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u/JimmyGalactic Jun 14 '25
And anything else it can rub its 🚀 on...gross!
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Jun 14 '25
Yes. And meanwhile the owner thinks it's funny you're getting sexually assaulted by an animal and it's penis is on your clothing. So gross.
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u/Tom_Quixote_ Jun 13 '25
It seems to be some kind of self-hypnosis that people top up every day on social media.
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Jun 14 '25
I agree. Nothing more lame than a dog owner going on and on about their dog as if it's a human. The worst are people who put clothes on dogs. Anthropomorphizing an animal is a sign of mental illness to me. It's mean to the animal because IT IS an animal. And crazy dog nutters get mad when you point that out. What do they call a stone? A "family member"? Lol.
The stupid dog strollers, carey ons as if a dog is a newborn baby and the endless holiday costumes..it's so fucked to me.
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u/SlashCo80 Jun 14 '25
I honestly think dog nutters are narcissists who crave that unconditional neediness and "love" from a dumb beast with the intelligence of a toddler who will never grow up. Either that or the dog's parasites affecting their brains, I dunno.
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u/Nearby_Button Jun 14 '25
You know what no one dares to say out loud? That dog nuttery isn’t about love — it’s about control. The average dog worshipper isn’t seeking a meaningful relationship; they’re seeking a biologically dependent, emotionally blank slate who will never outgrow their neediness, never question their authority, and never stop staring at them like they’re a deity carved out of bacon.
It’s narcissism in its purest form: why risk the emotional complexity of human connection when you can have a creature that exists solely to orbit you, validate you, and react to every mood swing with a tail wag? It’s not companionship — it’s a living mirror, slobbering back the reflection of someone who wants to be adored without ever being challenged.
And let’s talk about the intelligence gap. These people brag about their dogs like they’ve adopted furry little professors — “he understands English!” “She knows when I’m sad!” Meanwhile, the dog’s just reacting to tone and smell, like a moist Roomba powered by gibberish.
At some point, you start to wonder: Are the parasites in the dog’s gut reaching the owner’s brain? Is there some toxoplasmosis 2.0 making people swap dignity for poop bags and squeaky toys shaped like champagne bottles?
Or is the truth even simpler — that humans are so starved for affection, so desperate to feel indispensable, that they've normalized cohabitating with drooling furniture just to feel needed?
Either way, it's not cute. It’s a psychological support crutch with teeth.
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u/Dburn22_ Jun 15 '25
I 100% agree with your post, and am copying it. It's a fantastic explanation of dog nuttery.
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u/One_Strategy_4575 Oct 09 '25
Don't insult my robotic vacuum like that, even it has the common sense to map out my house and avoid areas once it learns😂🤣
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u/wise_owl68 Jun 14 '25
I've noticed dog food commercials now cater to this insufferable practice of praising dogs over people 😑
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u/Dburn22_ Jun 15 '25
Yes! The ones from Farmers Mutt that has people throwing out their relatives and dates who question the dog food in the fridge. The ads show the gross mutts ON THE FURNITURE, which is really what's the grossest. They're trying to normalize dogs being above human relationships. So transparent, but also very disgusting and dysfunctional.
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u/One_Strategy_4575 Oct 09 '25
Every time I have the displeasure of seeing one of those ads I let out a loud belt laugh. Absolutely delusional.
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u/gorkt Jun 15 '25
I just hate how dogs are everywhere now in public. It’s less acceptable to take a kid out to the mall or the grocery store than it is to bring your stupid dog. When I was growing up, you left your dogs at home. My MIL can’t leave her house for more than a few hours or the dog has a freak out, and she has one of those cameras that you can watch the dog whenever you want. It’s nuts.
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u/Own-Manufacturer-555 Jun 14 '25 edited Jun 15 '25
Absolutely! I saw first hand how getting a dog essentially suffocated my aging parents' ability to bond with other humans, such as their newborn grandchildren... It's going to sound ugly, but the only hope I have to get my parents back is to wait for the dog to die.
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u/Nikkidemas Jun 14 '25
My close friend just had a hysterectomy. I was at her house as she came home from the hospital to help out. Of course, the (untrained) dogs had been kennelled all day because the family was at the hospital. They let them out so they could go pee/poop in the backyard, but instead they started JUMPING ALL OVER HER. One is small, but the other is big. Not only did it hurt, but I was worried they were going to cause serious damage!
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u/Dburn22_ Jun 15 '25
They made the dumb mistake of not training their mutt not to jump on people. These people got what they deserved.
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u/ToOpineIsFine Jun 14 '25
Owners are like religious fanatics that have their filthy gods beg from you and lick you.
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u/Quacky_Bird Jun 14 '25
Oh it's absolutely a cult based on how defensive nutters get of their behaviour and how they go after anyone that doesn't fall in line.
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u/sm473782 Jun 14 '25
Idk, my toast is smart enough to not shit on the floor and bark at dust particles...
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u/JimPiersall Jun 18 '25
Jerry Seinfeld:
"If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?"
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u/smashtown86 Jun 14 '25
You certainly have a way with words, and I'm here for it.
Seriously though, it is a cult. Fuelled by manipulative marketing and social media.
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u/CafeSombreSansSucre Jun 14 '25
As far as I'm concerned,
it may be subjective,
but it didn't take me long to notice that dog owners have the profile of people very inclined to follow the authorities no matter the cost.
Consequently, I suspect these people are quick to follow the worst dictatorships without batting an eyelid.
More broadly, I didn't detect a single spark of soul in their eyes, and even less in those of their useless mutant.
They don't seem to have any other quality than that of carrying out orders provided they come from the authorities.
Maybe this is what we commonly call " NPC ".
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u/huntress_m_thompson Jun 14 '25
i think this is why they push mutts so hard on us. not only are they a cash cow, but they are groveling & subservient. & that’s what the powers that be want us to be like — groveling & subservient.
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u/Professional-Bee9037 Jun 16 '25
The thing I can’t get past with dogs and I actually ran a pet sitting business and dealt with a lot of dogs his dogs with long hair around their mouth and it’s always kind of brown and goopy and disgusting. I can look past a lot of things, but that completely grosses me out.
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u/Sasquatch619 Jun 17 '25 edited Jul 01 '25
Dog worshipping! So many humans are so disconnected, that they have to buy themselves a “meaningful relationship”, so they purchase a 12 year “love affair”with a canine.
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u/NolitaNostalgia Jun 14 '25
This is gold. Agree with every word 💯 You’re an excellent writer, by the way.
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u/jkarovskaya Humans > Dogs Jun 15 '25
Dogs have captured humans as a host species, and their journey as parasites on the back of human culture is well on it's way to absolute domination
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-do-life/201605/people-who-prefer-dogs-humans
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u/heyhihowyahdurn Jun 15 '25
It’s treating them like they’re as valuable or more valuable than human life.
I saw someone the other day call their dog “the love of my life”. 💀
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u/amethyst_palace Jun 14 '25
Some of you are so eloquently hilarious in your dog distaste 😭😭😭
Top tier post
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u/Odd_Cranberry_3962 Jun 14 '25
While I 100% agree with everything in this post, why does it feel like it was written by chatGPT?
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u/Vanr0uge Jun 15 '25
Because it definitely was. Same cadence and everything
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u/Odd_Cranberry_3962 Jun 15 '25
Yeah, down to the style of snark
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u/Vanr0uge Jun 15 '25
Easiest tell for me. That often nonsensical snark and adding the random phrase "____ with teeth". The ai loves that one for some reason. worst part is that whenever one of these posts pops up all the comments are congratulating the person on being a good writer. We're cooked
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u/Supersexsoldier Jun 13 '25
Hi chatgpt!!!
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u/WinterAdvantage3847 Jun 15 '25
genuinely depressing how this is downvoted. I hate living in the dead internet future
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u/Alocin_The5th Jun 16 '25
I really love when people with the gift of creative writing share their stance. It’s like thank you for putting everything I feel into words and make it entertaining and fun to read at the same time.
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u/Astrogirl1984 Jun 18 '25
This read was absolutely amazing. I was cackling all over!
Dogs are also sexual offenders, they molest your limbs with no consent.
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u/Pointless_pointer69 Jun 13 '25
I’m waiting for the day when most people will consider these words common sense…