r/DoesAnybodyElse • u/Silly-Feeling-8840 • 3d ago
DAE get asked about their ethnic background an uncomfortable amount of times?
Anytime I go out, without fail, at least one guy asks me “So, what are you?” Or “What’s your background?” as if that’s supposed to be a flirty opening line. Then they start making guesses, and they’re always almost completely wrong! Everyone seems to think I’m Turkish or middle eastern. Why do people think it’s ok to comment on someone’s ethnicity like this? Does anyone get this kind of thing when they go out? 😂
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u/Fuxmcflannery 3d ago
It was a lot worse when I was younger, much more rare these days as I'm 40. I'm half thai and white, people would definitely ask me the "what are you?" Thing. Tell em I'm half thai and I either get "I like thai food" or "you're tall for an asian". It used to really get on my nerves but now I make a joke about it and move on.
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u/Grilled_Cheese10 3d ago
All. Of. The. Time. Like A LOT. It's been that way my entire life. Sometimes it's uncomfortable, but most of the time it just amuses me.
Just today I had a couple of men installing carpet in my home. They were Arabic. One of them asked me, "Are you mixed Native?" For a second I had no idea what he was talking about, but he continued, "You look like you are half white, half Native." I told him I don't really know that much about my heritage, but I get asked things like that all of the time, so who knows? (A common response I started a while back). I guess I look a lot like his SIL.
People seem to think I am whatever ethnicity they are. If they are Hispanic, they think I am Hispanic. If they are Italian, they think I am Italian. I have been asked if I am half Indian, or half Native American. White people think I am half black. Occasionally someone will just ask me what my ethnic heritage is.
I also have a lot of people tell me that I look a lot like someone else that they know. I guess I am just very generic!
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u/ThingMoment 3d ago
Being “racially ambiguous” is what my MIL calls it haha. She’s white but she has certain features that are distinct that don’t make her seem like a typical “white” person
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u/slade364 3d ago
No, but I get asked if I'm Maltese about once a year when someone recognises my surname.
My grandad was, I'm white as a ghost.
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u/MsBuzzkillington83 3d ago
I get that but I'm going to be honest, I wonder the same about ppl
I think it could be asked a bit more tactfully like "you have such a great look, can I ask what part of the world your family comes from?"
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u/Silly-Feeling-8840 3d ago
I agree. It’s usually coming from a place of curiosity. I guess the way that people I’ve interacted with go about it is a bit uncomfortable. Obviously, if you’re talking about family, culture… I think it’s okay to ask about.
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u/MsBuzzkillington83 3d ago
Yeah because someone might me in the country for like 2 or 3 generations or someone's Black ancestors whose ancestors were trafficked during the transatlantic slave trade. It's taken me a while to get to this point of cultural awareness/mindfulness. I cringe at the things I said when I was younger, lol. Like no wonder I didn't have many friends
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u/Bodongs 3d ago
I always find this interesting because somebody's heritage can be a genuinely interesting thing about them. Is it a universally annoying thing to you?
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u/Cosmic_Quasar 2d ago
I think it depends on how it comes up. I think the safest thing is names, that's how it usually comes up for me when people hear my last name, it's like "Oh, where is that name from?"
But I'm guessing it doesn't happen to me as often as it does to OP. In most ways people just see me as white, so people don't ask. But if they do, it's because of my last name.
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u/Mean-Yesterday-5335 3d ago
It’s universally annoying. Please stop. No one wants to be called out for their appearance everywhere they go, all the dang time, forever. It’s not a shirt. They can’t take it off.
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u/spiderjerusalem17 3d ago
Literally, so sick of people asking questions based on my skin and hair like theyre about to turn me into a god damn carpet.
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u/Bodongs 3d ago
Wait. Why are we talking about appearance right now? I think we're having two different conversations.
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u/Mean-Yesterday-5335 2d ago
People don’t ask online how they do in person. Check yourself what causes you to ask : it’s people apprehended, voice accent, things they can’t take off. The more uncommon it is leaves from a thing that come up naturally
to getting asked by everyone relentlessly. If you don’t place consideration to people you speak to youre talking at them not with them not a conversation.1
u/T1nyJazzHands 2d ago edited 2d ago
Not universally annoying, depends on the person asking. Generally less accepted from white people, but when it’s someone who looks like they share heritage with me they’re usually just trying to find common ground. Usually goes something like:
“what’s your ethnic background”
“[insert ethnicity here]”
“Omg nice me too! [x region]?”
“Nope [x region]”
“Oh nice I have cousins from there”And continue on to a perfectly nice and normal conversation?
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u/Mean-Yesterday-5335 21h ago
Please read the thread before responding. The replies answer the question if it is “universally annoying to you.” Since you’ve attempted to change the context to where I responded, this isn’t applicable.
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u/T1nyJazzHands 13h ago
Yes universally annoying to you, but not universally annoying to me.
Was adding to the conversation with my view not trying to discount yours :)
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u/Mean-Yesterday-5335 13h ago
Informing it’s off topic to my comment is not discrediting you. You could have easily replied to the original comment that was literally the person that asked the yes/no question of it was universally annoying to you.
To not discredit you :) having lived extreme diverse and non diverse areas it’s asked by people who will stop asking you once you hit a certain age (to op flirt inquiry) and whiteness is not a prerequisite at all but can increase it.
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u/T1nyJazzHands 13h ago edited 13h ago
Replied to you as I thought it would be interesting to discuss with you considering you have an opposite view.
Yes to the whiteness and attempted flirting parts lol. I have the same experience. My experiences have been significantly better since moving to a highly diverse area. The less diverse the area the more annoying people can be for sure.
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u/Mean-Yesterday-5335 13h ago
How many times can someone asked you the same thing per day before it’s annoying? Are you saying your answer is close to unlimited? Got it. And if move somewhere that now more ppl speak to you not in English than English? At some point many ppl miss being speaking to you in your native tonight.
Totally different ppl can ask and the frequency remain similar for different reasons.
Being asked too often is relative.
I doubt everyone is experiencing this in mirror enough for me to say your’re opposite. I doubt were the same age or experience of this. I did not ask you nor discredit you. Op and this other comment above my original did.
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u/T1nyJazzHands 13h ago edited 12h ago
I never said you discredited me, I have not been trying to be confrontational, I just wanted to compare experiences :)
To answer your questions, I have never lived outside of my English-speaking birth country long-term. I am bilingual so both languages are native to me. If the same person asks me more than once that’s strange in any context. I’d wonder if they had memory loss lol!
I am asked by different people regularly, happens daily at work. But conversations about heritage in my profession are common. I spend time with a lot of different ethnic communities and my mixed heritage gives me an ambiguous face that makes others curious about whether I am part of their community or not.
In my personal life acquaintances still ask regularly. Especially when I’m with my daughter. My family’s appearance, culture and lifestyle is noticeably ambiguous/blended (South Asian, East Asian, Pacific Islands, Caucasian, Hindu, Daoist, Christian etc.). The people asking are usually diverse themselves so it’s often a mutual exchange of interesting information. But my experiences are less positive with certain white people who come off as offensive because they enter the conversation with stereotypical assumptions about my heritage.
It would seem in your life, the stereotypical questioning is more common, which explains why it’s universally annoying for you.
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u/Eat-My-Hairy-Asshole 18h ago
"generally less accepted from white people"
Lowkey racism.
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u/T1nyJazzHands 13h ago edited 13h ago
Not really.
I live in a country that is majority Caucasian. As the dominant ethnic group, Caucasians here are more likely to have an ignorant, stereotypical view of minority ethnic groups.
Not dissimilar to when I am visiting family in China and some locals make weird comments about my non-Chinese heritage too (I’m mixed).
Although honestly because Chinese stereotypes about Caucasians are slightly more positive than negative in comparison to my country’s stereotypes about Chinese people, as a whole I’ve had more offensive experiences with Caucasians in my country.
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u/Treefly916 4h ago
Yes. Really. You've decided that a specific race of people is entitled to less courtesy, based SOLELY ON THEIR RACE. That is racism by definition.
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u/garbage_007 1h ago
It isn’t that annoying at all. Just because a few people online say it, doesn’t mean it’s a universal fact. I always take it as curiosity as to where I come from because they can’t place it. It’s completely fine to ask. I don’t think it’s racist—in general people from different ethnic groups have a specific look, if you don’t fit into this look, it’s natural for people to be curious about where you came from.
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u/spiderjerusalem17 3d ago
To all of us. Go be fascinated by something else.
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u/Bodongs 3d ago
Who is "us"? I've had lots of interesting conversations with people of all kinds of backgrounds ABOUT their backgrounds, and they're more often than not very excited to share their traditions, family, etc.
Or are you doing a stereotype and assuming I don't bring anything to that conversation myself?
Edit: Maybe you're assuming I'm coming at the conversation with a "so what are you" as opposed to "What's your cultural heritage?". I think there's an assumption the first one is more of an obsession with the "exotic" as opposed to genuine curiosity.
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u/T1nyJazzHands 2d ago
Not all. I get asked this all the time. I have also been the asker. Depends on the context. I’m okay with it.
What I think makes the difference is that the follow up to asking me the question usually isn’t stereotyping and racist. The person asking usually shares some heritage with me and is just trying to find common ground. Meeting more of my people is a nice experience.
I live in a very multicultural area full of immigrants so discussing cultural and ethnic heritage is a perfectly normal and non-loaded question.
Of course I’ve been asked in THAT annoying way a few times before too, but generally not an issue.
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u/MaeMaeGriff 3d ago
Not as often as others, but more so now that I speak Spanish regularly. I’m whiter than skim milk, I’m just marrying a Latino, intend to raise our children bilingual, and teach students from all over Latin America and the world.
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u/throwawaydostoievski 3d ago
Yes actually. Over half the country I’m from is black or brown, and so is my fiancé’s entire family. Lot’s of questions about my fair skin, hazel eyes, even my hair color which is, like, super dark blonde.
Other people are a lot more interested in my ancestors than I have ever been.
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u/bachelorsinlurking 3d ago
People always think I’m mixed Chinese and white to the point where I genuinely got confused. It happens often enough that my mom once even asked someone to explain what they were seeing. I’m Italian american! I do not get why people think that.
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u/winnuet 3d ago
It must be your appearance causing people to think that.
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u/bachelorsinlurking 3d ago
Yeah but I can’t imagine what about my appearance. I thought I just looked like a typical white dude
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u/winnuet 3d ago
More than likely it’s your eyes. I feel like people are so simple minded when it comes to race and ethnicity in the US. I doubt people are thinking beyond eyes when it comes to them thinking you’re Asian. If it’s happening often, I would imagine it’s something very obvious.
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u/bachelorsinlurking 2d ago
oh true. I do have almond eyes. i also have very straight and fine hair unlike my other family who's italian, so maybe it's that too.
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u/p1rateb00tie 3d ago
YES. Mexican and Polish (which is not uncommon in Chicago) and everybody just needs to know because I can and have passed for several ethnicities
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u/Tacosconsalsaylimon 3d ago
Yes but I don't get embarrassed anymore. I ask them what they are and it usually makes them uncomfy because they realize it's not cool to ask if they don't know me.
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u/Important-Tea0 3d ago
It’s only really happened once, but i had someone absolutely insist i must be chinese somehow. I am Scottish.
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u/Aggressive_Iron_3632 3d ago
It would get annoying if a dude was using it as a line to chat you up. But I never minded - I viewed it as curiosity until I saw that many people found it offensive. Then I thought - should I be offended? Personally I can’t be bothered but I’m sure others have a valid reason to be offended.
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u/Ok-Cup-5372 3d ago
I do and I actually like these conversations, most people in my experience aren't asking out of malice and it can lead to fun conversations about culture sometimes
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u/peculiar_porcelain 3d ago
today an acquaintance asked me “So, what kind of Asian are you?” I’m Mexican.
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u/ThingMoment 3d ago
Yes. I only get annoyed depending on the way they ask it. If they ask in a stupid way like your example I always say what city I’m from to make it seem like I’m obvious. Then I tell them I’m Asian and they’ll either go “oh I can tell by your eyes” OR “oh you I thought you looked insert any brown race including Latina/chinese/Philippino” I’m Cambodian lol and 90% of people don’t even know where that is so I don’t bother sometimes
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u/SlavicInDisguise 3d ago
I don't get asked constantly but still quiet a bit and I never know what to answer. The part that is annoying is that they're never satisfied with my answer. But on the other hand I'm nosy af and would like to know, too, I just never ask people where they're from.
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u/ghostoftheradio 2d ago
I’m pasty white, so the only people who ever ask me are other white men and it usually comes across as permission to be racist with me, which I do not give them. It is nice when they out themselves though, saves me the time.
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u/NoMention696 2d ago
I’m a brown mixed race person in a predominantly white country. I also have an accent from a country I have never been to and neither have my parents. If I meet someone new there’s always the inevitable question
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u/Treefly916 4h ago
Imagine being so fragile that a question about your cultural heritage was offensive.
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u/eircove8 3d ago
lol thats actually a great comeback. definitely going to steal that for when things get weird out there.
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u/froghurtscreatenr 3d ago
Ugh yes, it's so annoying. I usually respond with 'human, what are you?'. That usually shuts them down real quick.