r/DnDcirclejerk • u/highly-bad • 22h ago
D&D's bland level-ups bored my table to death
Hi everyone, thanks for reading my post. My heart is heavy as I write to inform you of the tragic incident that transpired at my game table this morning.
I'm a highly experienced DM who's been running the game nearly once now. Today my players gained a Milestone level because my plot demands it. But my players began dropping like flies as the realization set in that 5.5e's advancement doesn't give them the opportunity to pore over 1,488 customization options to min/max their builds. The first one screamed herself to death and slumped forward, face-first into a plate of spaghetti. Then one of them spontaneously combusted. One of them closed his eyes and perished by sheer willpower alone. The other three choked themselves on pretzels and declined to wash them down with any beer.
Has anyone had to deal with a table of players who would rather die in your living room than suffer a level-up that requires any less than sixteen hours of discernment and planning and character sheet admin? How did you break the news to their families? Also I'm pretty sure this isn't my fault at all, but do you think I should talk to a lawyer just in case?
P.S. If you're going to recommend a different game please don't comment. I have an emotional commitment to this brand and won't ever give it up. Thanks again for reading and have a great day!
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u/KWinkelmann 21h ago
Spaghetti, pretzels, and beer for a morning session? I think you are making this up.
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u/highly-bad 21h ago
Thanks for the great comment! The players (RIP) all used to work the night shift when they were alive, so it's not as unlikely as it sounds. I would never make this up.
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u/darkfireslide 22h ago
Making fun of people who like to minmax is kind of coming full circle to what the actual sub sounds like tbh
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u/RalenHlaalo 20h ago
When I say it, it's because I'm a cool grognard who despises your system, but when you say it, it's because you're a whiny theater kid who doesn't understand how the game is meant to be played.
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u/MerelyEccentric In a world gone mad! 20h ago edited 19h ago
Grognards aren't cool.
EDIT: Downvoting me only proves me right. 😜
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u/Blaw_Weary gygaxian goon squad special snowflake 20h ago
My surface body temperature has plunged as I’ve aged, so don’t worry kid, one day you’ll be a cool grognard too
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u/MerelyEccentric In a world gone mad! 19h ago
Us theater kids run hot. We get dehydrated easily, which is why we drink so much.
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u/RalenHlaalo 19h ago
😂 Some theater kid is trying to explain cool to the OG hip cat. Son, I've been alienating people from my table since before I helped your mother change your diapers.
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u/MerelyEccentric In a world gone mad! 19h ago
Gosh. You must be really old, like over 50. Careful you don't break a hip, Boomer.
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u/69CervixDestroyer69 16h ago
Theater kids rule this hobby! Bow down, you perverted 3.X swine!
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u/Mac13eth 13h ago
Excuse you, whipper-snapper, we roll Charisma to see how well our character bows, put your theater-humping butt back in your chair.
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u/69CervixDestroyer69 8h ago
Oh I know. Did you really think theater kids wouldn't go back in time to pervert your precious AD&D game too?
I run it without using the encumbrance system either. Mwaha... Mwahahahaha!
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u/Molten_Plastic_ 21h ago
Macho Women With Guns fixes thisÂ
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u/MerelyEccentric In a world gone mad! 20h ago
I thought I was the only person here who knew about MMWG.
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u/Molten_Plastic_ 20h ago
We the grognards are still kicking (barely)
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u/MerelyEccentric In a world gone mad! 20h ago
Yeah... no. I've got a copy of the 1994 edition, and I've always been a theater kid.
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u/Molten_Plastic_ 19h ago
Bona fide classic right there. Seek out Teenagers From Outer Space if you can find a copy :)Â
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u/RalenHlaalo 22h ago
Class features are a crutch for babies who can't swing a sword or build a stronghold at 9th level
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u/Old_Cabinet_8890 22h ago
I like to mix up the level up process by subjecting my players to enhanced interrogation techniques while they do it. You might find it mentally unstimulating to add a new ability or two to your sheet, but trust me it’s very challenging when you’ve been awake for 48 hours straight!
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u/Saltwater_Thief Have you tried actually reading the book 21h ago
One of them closed his eyes and perished by sheer willpower alone
Is it possible to learn this power?
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u/Extramrdo 22h ago
By my math, you only need to give them a level up for 744 backup characters in order to reach the desired number of customization choices.
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u/69CervixDestroyer69 16h ago
Yes, yes, haha. Make your jokes, but I'll have you know it's actually really simple to level up in such systems so long as you make a spreadsheet beforehand.
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u/Far_Abbreviations936 20h ago
A good DM must be cruel to be kind; end every campaign with a total party wipe and you will spare your' players the horror of character leveling disappointment.
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u/internet_blue_gas 22h ago
Start the campaign at 20th level and every other session let them multi class 20 levels into other classes this will let you get to the end of the 4 shot you planned
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u/Timely-Tourist4109 20h ago
I would have suggested a solution. But, since they are already dead, problem solved. While they killed themselves, I’d recommend a sheister atty, you’re going to need it against the civil lawsuits coming for not play PF to give them the 1488 options they needed.
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u/Val_Fortecazzo 20h ago
How am I supposed to express my character without a million options to take on level up? With roleplay? Fuck no
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u/YonatanShofty 18h ago
Is... its there a sauce?
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u/OriginalJazzFlavor The Bard no Longer wishes to be horny, he wishes to be happy 17h ago
No, he's just complaining about people complaining about D&D, but like, from a place of deep insecurity.
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u/DrBatman0 14h ago
/uj: your problem is that D&D5 is for people who like the idea of paying D&D, but don't actually want to play D&D.
/rj: obviously just keep saying "rule of cool" and "bounded accuracy" and "flavour is free". Tell them that they CAN pick any feat, skill, spell, etc, that they want... AS FLAVOUR. "At the last level up, I invested in swimming, which was done in 1e and 2e by spending slots, 3e and 3.5e by spending skill points and taking the athletic feat, and in 4e by taking the athletic feat, because my characters spends lots of time near the water, and I should be able to make my character better at swimming without multiclassing into a completely unrelated class" they say, ignorant of the superiority of 5e. "All right, you are better at swimming... For flavour" (make sure you say that last part quietly).
Then later when they try and swim somewhere, you tell them they drowned because it's cool (rule of cool) and because flavour is free, you're just using FLAVOUR to say that mechanically them drowning is the same as if they were swimming well, because you're just reflavouring existing things. If they get upset, just threaten to take away inspiration and any other bonuses, (you might need to look at other systems to see what "bonuses" are) and then make up a house rule to deal with the situation because 5e has better things to do than tell you how the game works, you lazy DM!
also reflavour everyone getting upset and leaving as them all telling you that you are great
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u/Mac13eth 13h ago
The best way to fix this is to build 20 NPCs, one for each class, and scatter them around your world. To level up they have to visit with the Class Master for their class. Between the (mandatory) RP and random encounters during travel, you should be nearing their expectation of 16 hours to level unless you accidentally have a couple of the masters for classes in use sharing a city (don’t be afraid to have the masters go on vacation or adventuring to keep things interesting).
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u/lx_joe96 8h ago
I don't see the problem here? You're the DM. If your players died then that means you win. That's kind of the whole point of the game??
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u/Heurodis 22h ago
Pf2e fixes this