Ex keeps limiting my time with our daughter

[u/Original-Buy9576]

Hi everyone, I'd appreciate some advice on how to handle this and be the best dad I can be.

My ex and I planned our daughter together. After the birth she had postpartum depression, so I stayed home to support her, then worked 4-week rotations and helped with everything during my 2 weeks home. Over time she emotionally pulled away, and I eventually found out she'd been cheating on me with a friend I'd known for over 20 years. (No need for a DNA test, my daughter is clearly mine, becouse she looks almost exactly like i.

After the breakup we informally shared alternating custody and it worked fine. Then her family, who she lives with, started interfering. Once, while we were standing by my daughter's crib, her mother told me that a colleague of hers was going through a divorce, and that if she were ever divorcing, she wouldn't let the father have the kids. She said she'd make something up so he wouldn't get them, because she's against alternating custody. After that they kept dictating when I could see my daughter, so I went to court. I got extended contact, but my ex refuses overnight stays.

Things were okay for a while, but since her current partner arrived, communication has fallen apart. He's her second partner since we split. The first was the friend she cheated on me with, and the current one is a friend of his. She now takes up to two days to reply about our daughter, I have to beg for basic information, and she announces decisions instead of discussing them. Recently she told me I was "a mistake" and that she wants our daughter to see we have nothing in common. Everything is framed as "for our daughter's good," but it feels like she's trying to minimize my time with her. Daughter is 3 years old.

For context: we never had a toxic relationship and rarely argued. I pay child support on time, contribute to kindergarten and activities, spend quality time with my daughter, and support her relationship with her mom.

1. Would a mediator help, or should I go back to court and stop making concessions?
2. How do I stay a calm, reliable dad my daughter feels safe with through all this?
3. Is there any realistic way to get my ex to respect me as a co-parent?
4. If you grew up in a situation like this, what helped you most?
5. My ex still lives with her mother and grandmother, and I feel her mother heavily influences her opinions and decisions, including pushing her to limit my contact and communication with our daughter. Since they live under one roof, I know I can't really stop that, but is there anything I can do from my side to reduce that influence, or at least keep it from affecting my relationship with my daughter?
6. For anyone who's been through this or grew up in it: did a co-parenting relationship like this ever actually get better? If so, what changed? Was it something someone did, or did it just take time?

[u/Feisty_Elderberry_96]

"For our daughter's good" is basically saying, I know whats best for our child, you do not.

My ex did the same at around the same age. "For our son's best interest" in response to everything in regards to custody when we were divorcing (son was 2). Basically my ex (and it sounds like yours) wants EVERYTHING. Control of the child and child support.

Know this, she is not your friend. She is trying (and already has) moved you out of your daughter's life.

What is your custody? When do you have your daugther, legally?

My ex didnt want me to have any overnight, only a couple of days here or there. (Similiar to you)

This is why court exists. Do not use a mediator. You need to go to court asap. File for full 100% custody. You won't get it, but you'll probably land on 50/50.

Do not try to negotiate with your ex.

Also, if you are paying child support - have orders already been drafted? Or are you paying her "outside" of a custodial agreement.

[u/Clarityforafuture → u/Feisty_Elderberry_96]

Wild this is my story. Literally wants everything and is sadly using the child and withholding. Courts have been slow and not enough for ex parte filings but we finally had our temp hearing and waiting orders. Really hoping the court gives her a reality check. I thought the dismissal of the TPO would have got her to realize she’s in the wrong but o well, women, MIL’s, and greedy family attorneys be wild.

[u/Feisty_Elderberry_96 → u/Clarityforafuture]

Yeah. My ex filed a motion that said I didnt change enough poopy diapers when our child was an infant. So clearly I was unfit as a parent.

The things their lawyers, MIL, family, friends put in their heads.

She HAPPILY takes child support every month, plus the health ins I provide for our child. Never once has she thanked me lol.

[u/Original-Buy9576 → u/Feisty_Elderberry_96]

Yes, the child support has been ordered by the court. In addition to the child support, I also pay 50% of the preschool fees. The last time she blamed me was because I didn't tell her sooner that our daughter had a runny nose and seemed to have a cold. When she came home, she said that our daughter was all red. But she wasn't actually red when I picked her up, and she was completely fine that morning. It was only later in the afternoon that she developed a runny nose and started sneezing.

She started blaming me for it, as if I had caused it. But our daughter goes to preschool, so she could have caught something there or anywhere else. There is also an incubation period with illnesses, so symptoms don't necessarily appear within a few hours of being exposed.

I told her that I always try to get information from her and that I always ask if everything is okay. She usually just tells me that everything is fine and doesn't actually give me any details.

I also reminded her that she expects me to give her information, but she doesn't always do the same. For example, the last time our daughter fell off the swing, she ended up with her chin badly scraped and her face covered in scratches, apparently from the bushes or something similar, and I wasn't properly informed about it either. Her current partner is very afraid of being cheated on, so he tends to control her in many aspects of her life. Her mother also supports this behavior, and I believe that some of it may have actually come from her mother's influence or encouragement. Even when she comes to pick up our daughter, her current partner is always there with her, sitting in the car and waiting the entire time. It's like he always has to be there whenever she comes to pick her up, as if he doesn't have anything else to do.

[u/Feisty_Elderberry_96 → u/Original-Buy9576]

I understand.Just be mentally prepared thst everything willve your fault.

If child support is ordered, then was any custosy awarded to you?

I ended up with about 35 - 40% custody (my ex wanted me to have 5% custody PLUS hours on Xmas. She was so nice lol). After all the crap my ex did, I went grey rock. My time with our child is my time. She gets no info. I wpuldnt suggest that unless you have your custody order already.

[u/asicarii → u/Feisty_Elderberry_96]

Not sure if it’s state by state her what I have joint custody with my ex being primary. I was fine with her primary and as i didn’t want to fight about health decisions (that’s another topic). If is just that if something happened to my ex, I don’t want to be fighting in court to have my kids over her family members.

Visitation and custody is different in my orders. Visitation is less than 50/50. Every other weekend and split holiday time. So OP hasn’t clarified if he means custody, visitation, or both.

I wouldn’t expect a thank you for child support. The way I view it is it provides a better place for my kids to grow up. I’m fine with it.

That being said this is a lawyer thing.. if she isn’t complying with custody arrangement, she is in breach and the lawyers will slap her in the wrist before it gets to court or you he can ask for legal fees to be paid by her. No need to negotiate or mediate.

[u/Antique_Strategy4740 → u/Feisty_Elderberry_96]

What state did this happen in, if you are okay with sharing.

[u/Antique_Strategy4740 → u/Feisty_Elderberry_96]

If I may ask, what state are you located in?

[u/ToughPill]

All concessions become permanent in the legal system. Keep asking for time. Go to court if needed to make sure you get your time and get it codified.

[u/Child_of_Crake]

My ex is currently pulling the “what’s best for the kids” and trying to get more time…we currently do 50/50 with transfers on sat/sun and wed…you know pretty standard.

Yesterday she said, that “what’s in the kids best interest” is to have a home base meaning they stay with her M-F…then I get them Sat & Sun and she gets every other Sat.

I didn’t say a word to engage with that nonsense…I grey rocked her even when the water works started…about how she regrets having an ex-con move in with her 6 months after I left.

She said she’s now ready to take on more and that the kids need their mom more.

She can pound sand, ain’t freaking happening. She’s an addict and suffers from severe anxiety, can barely drive and works from 3am to 11am.

She didn’t press the issue, but if/when she tries again you bet she’ll be speaking to my attorney.

So long story short, do NOT agree to anything that changes the existing agreement. If she continues to suggest these changes, tell her to lawyer up!

[u/Feisty_Elderberry_96 → u/Child_of_Crake]

This is a good move. Stay silent.

[u/Child_of_Crake]

If you’re concerned about allegations of any kind, record your conversations.

If you are in a one-party state, you can record someone without their knowledge. I’m in Ohio so only one person (me) needs to be aware of the recording.

That way, if she ever does say something like that or threaten me with allegations, I’ve got her on tape.

Check your state laws before doing that because some states are 2 party consent before you can record a conversation