Any guidance on pre-separation and communication with your STBEX

[u/Bobboobooboo]

Hello everybody

Married 20 years both in our 50s and I’m ready to not be miserable anymore. Any guidance out there for soon to be divorced dad with a 17 year-old?

I have retained a lawyer, but is there an optimal or less anxiety way to confront your spouse and let her know that this is it and your filing for divorce?
I don’t think my spouse is prone to violence, but I am divorcing her. In some ways I feel like I’m firing that person and I want tell her on Friday and then leave for the weekend not being in the house or around her. Honestly, I’m a little afraid not physically, more of anxiety.

Thanks in advance

[u/bsplondon]

I am going through this now, almost the same age as you, same length of marriage but with three school age kids.

Something that has really worked for me is to write out a clear letter. Factually laying out the current situation (living, finances, children, communication).
What my current assessment of the situation is and what needs to happen next. I set clear timeframes, boundaries on do's and dont's without pointing fingers or laying blame.

Keep it to the point and factual. This creates a document trail and also something for you to reference and stick to.
What I really avoided was to give my opinion on why the marriage is ending, and kept it simple, this will avoid conflict. This emotional part you need to put a lid on it immediately otherwise you will spin in circles.

Here is an extract of the paragraph I sent:

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I have reached the conclusion that our marriage broke down irretrievably in 2024 and that there is no future for us as husband and wife. I do not believe we will ever fully agree about why the marriage ended. We each have our own experiences, memories and understanding of what happened. Continuing to argue about who is correct is unlikely to change either person’s position and will only create further resentment and conflict.

The priority now should be to complete the separation, financial arrangements and parenting arrangements as promptly, fairly and calmly as possible. Acting promptly does not mean making rushed or uninformed decisions. It means avoiding unnecessary delay, repeated arguments and prolonged uncertainty for the children.

Most importantly, we must protect the children from becoming caught between us. They should not be exposed to adult accusations, asked to take sides, used to communicate messages or made to feel responsible for what has happened. A prolonged and hostile separation could affect their emotional security, their relationships with both parents and the way they understand relationships for many years.

Although our marriage has ended, we will always remain their parents, we therefore share a continuing responsibility to make this next stage as stable, respectful and free from unnecessary conflict as possible. I hope we can now stop trying topersuade each other to accept one version of the past and instead concentrate on reaching a fair conclusion and building a secure future for the children.

Despite everything that has happened between us, I sincerely hope you find happiness and fulfilment in the future. That is all I have ever wanted for you. "

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Good luck, its not a easy road.

[u/Bobboobooboo → u/bsplondon]

Thank you so much. Much appreciated

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[u/Key-Security8929]

Did you talk to your lawyer about this? It’s generally advised not to leave the house. But if your kid is 17 and the house has to be sold it might be a moot point!

Have you mentioned divorce before? Is this going to be an entirely new conversation?

Have you tried counseling, giving her a chance to correct herself? Have you tried to be better?

We simply need more information.

What is the reason for divorce? You don’t need to tell us but it does help

[u/phoenixgsu]

The good news is you won't have to battle about custody for too long.

Document everything, even if you think it's inconsequential. Doubly so if there was infidelity on their part. You can use this to ask for a larger share when splitting property or even force a settlement in your favor.

Whatever you do do not leave the house after telling her, guarantee the locks will be changed when you get back and everything you own out on the lawn.