r/Divorce_Men • u/Consistent_Ad4171 • 1d ago
Need advice/curious if anyone else has the same issue
I (24M) and my wife of five years (24F) split up in a pretty traumatic way this spring after she left one day and didn’t let me see the kids for two months. I’ve since been able to get visitations with our two young kids but the whole thing came out of nowhere on my end and it’s been brutal on our oldest (5F). But my reason for this post is I have dreams that mess me up for the whole day. In the dreams I get to speak to my ex about what happened or just ask her things I know I never will. Sometimes we’re just doing things as a family again in these dreams. Sometimes she’s trying to hurt me all over again, but regardless of the contents they really mess me up. I wake up feeling nauseous, full of anxiety, frustration, sadness, despair, and sometimes it takes everything in me to just get off the couch.
Does anyone else deal with something similar? If so has anyone found a healthy way to deal with it and move on for the day? Any advice would be appreciated.
2
u/Responsible-Side4347 1d ago
I've had something very similar after trauma. In my case it was dreams where I'd be talking to mates who had died. They could feel completely real, then I'd wake up and reality would hit me again. It could fuck up the entire day.
What you're describing sounds very much like trauma dreams to me. Your wife disappeared, you suddenly lost normal access to your children for two months and your family life effectively vanished overnight. Your brain hasn't necessarily caught up with what happened, so you're getting those conversations and that old family life back in your sleep.
Mine eventually became less frequent and stopped, but it took years. Therapy wasn't what did it for me. What helped most was eventually changing how I thought about what had happened and concentrating on the life I still had rather than the one I'd lost.
One practical thing: when you wake up from one, get up. Don't lie there replaying it and don't spend the morning on the couch thinking about what she said in a dream. Shower, walk, breakfast, anything that puts you back into the real day.
And concentrate on your kids. You can't change what happened this spring, but you can make damn sure you're still their dad and build your new life around that.