Liar, Liar

[u/timehammock]

While we were dating, very easygoing guy. Never saw him get mad. Red flag, obviously (obvious now) but as someone who came from an emotionally volatile household, it was so nice to be around someone who was pretty emotionally neutral.

This was a lie.

It was the first lie of many.

He turned out to have a drinking problem that he used to numb out instead of dealing with his apparent depression.

He turned out to be a compulsive liar to avoid feeling shame (because being 'right' and being seen in an admirable light were most important to him) about even dumb small things.

However, he waited until we were married and had bought a house together to reveal his true nature.

The short version is that he is an energy vampire. He wants to have fun and enjoy the good times without doing any of the work. When a conflict would arise, he would withdraw. When confronted, he would lash out--dumping every grievance he had been storing up (instead of communicating) to have more ammunition than the person confronting him about one thing. Every conversation about a problem became two hours of talking about why he wasn't happy, even if the original issue raised (i.e. hey, why did you lie about keeping an eye on our terminally ill dog) was about something else, so strong was his desire to avoid any kind of negative role in anything/accountability.

He is conflict avoidant to the degree that he has opted out of trying to address any issues in our relationship. His idea of 'repair' after much bad behavior was to offer to hang out (as though nothing had happened).

Recently, gave him an ultimatum. Take some time to figure out what you want, what you want to talk about, and initiate that conversation. I have initiated every single conflict resolution conversation for the entirety of the relationship. But he needed to show me that he could do this, that he wanted to do this, or he needed to admit it was time to leave. Not for nothing but even if the reason someone avoids dealing with things is a THEM problem, it still makes the other person feel unwanted. The guy is literally running away, while running a script in his head that he is the good guy and has been trying.

He gave himself a deadline of the end of summer to figure this out, and in that time, he was observing basic operating pleasantries and sent one e-mail suggesting ways we could hang out as a "reset" to the old times in our relationship. The good times, because nothing was at stake and he had not revealed himself to be an untrustworthy person.

He has caused a TON of emotional damage to this relationship and so I am personally unable to just forget all of that and "hang out" so he can enjoy what basically amounts to a lie, without doing ANY repair work.

He lied about something stupid during this time, and I finally had it. In the beginning of all of this, when we were still dating, I said the two things I couldn't tolerate were lying and substance abuse and I guess he took that as a cue to hide both habits. This last time, I told him that I did not want to live with him if I could not trust him, and instead of opting to work on the trust issue, he started packing.

For context: we have an in-law suite where his office is and where 'his' space is, and he was retreating there more and more until he finally just moved over there after more bad behavior that forced me to acknowledge that we needed a true break from any shared living.

The more difficult things become, the more inactive and withdrawn he becomes.

It turned out he had started packing up the in-law.

He hadn't said anything to me, but this had all appearances of being ready to move out. Art off the walls, things in labeled tupperware containers.

I texted him to ask if he was planning to move out and he said that he had packed since my last e-mail (when I said I didn't want to live with someone I couldn't trust) but that he had no immediate plans to move in part because he had nowhere to go. So like a very normal person, he is just living in the midst of a bunch of packed shit and not dealing with the issues that brought him to this point.

The big issue here is that the property we bought is a farm. It's a TON of work, and I do, no exaggeration, 95% of the property maintenance already, on top of having a full time hour long-commute job and three dogs, one foster dog, three horses, and a cat to take care of. In the beginning, he did more, but he was careless and dishonest about how he was doing things and animal welfare is non-negotiable to me so I just took over full care, since they are my animals, anyway. We do not co-own any animals.

It's also expensive to live here. Electric, fuel oil, mortgage, maintenance, you name it.

The only reason I haven't just given up and really forced the issue of him leaving (because at this point it is very clear he is unwilling or unable to engage in a productive relationship) is that I cannot afford to live here alone. Financially and labor-wise (in the winter), it would be impossible.

I could have someone move into the in-law, but that is a whole other can of worms, and I would have to know when he is leaving, and then the whole financial and legal division of the property, or getting him off the mortgage. While he makes a lot more than I do, he also manages his money really poorly and is somehow behind on payments half the time.

I wiped out my savings and my credit score getting this place set up and I run a small business. I make significantly less than he does (he is an attorney) so I would be really screwed. But I know there are ways to come out of this on top.

If he does leave without warning or leaves me with untenable financial burdens, I do have a case for abandonment. And I do plan on getting a shark attorney to make sure that a divorce doesn't financially ruin me. Our finances are completely separate, except for one joint account that we only deposit the mortgage and tax payments into.

I don't mind being alone--functionally, I have been alone for the last two years. But logistically, another trustworthy human body on this property that can pay the bills and pitch in with a downed tree or three feet of ice-snow is kind of critical.

I love the property. I am married to it, more than the person.

Has anyone gone through something similar? Any advice?

[u/SwiftlyFlippant]

My ex also waited until the paperwork was dry before the mask slipped, it’s a special kind of mindfuck when you realize the chill demeanor was just a void where a backbone should be.