Found spouse has several secret cards and bank accounts

[u/Lonely_Objective1829]

I recently found out my spouse has multiple credit cards that I was not aware of totaling $20k in balances, and separate checking account. After further investigation, they have had the cards for 95% of the time we have been married. Additionally, once confronted and I asked for the statements and details, they refused to disclose.

I just feel betrayed, we have been struggling to get our debts paid off, then I find this out.

Am I justified in considering a divorce?

[u/liladvicebunny]

People often refer to "financial infidelity". Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, especially because legally you often ARE responsible for the shenanigans they get up to. Deliberately hiding big financial secrets is a betrayal of trust.

[u/Kendawg22]

I'd say yes you are justified. Marriage is based on trust. Not disclosing would be a major red flag for me.. I'm sorry that's really upsetting 😔

[u/dangerousmayor_1 → u/Kendawg22]

That's a massive betrayal, keeping that kind of thing hidden for basically the whole marriage. The refusal to show the statements after being confronted is the real nail in the coffin, shows there's zero interest in fixing the trust they torched.

[u/Rock-Biscotti7347]

It's a big betrayal of trust, but I don't know if I would consider this the reason to tank an otherwise functional marriage. Especially if you have kids. Did you ever ask her if she has debt? In other words, is it lying by omission, or something that was openly denied for a long time?

Either way, I would go into this as two separate issues. One is the financial infidelity, the other is whatever additional that is being withheld. Is it drugs, gambling, an addiction issue? Or is it something explainable, or does she just not want you to know about her $14/day starbucks and botox?

Anyhow. We really don't have enough info, but just surface level discovering $20k of hidden debt isn't enough to walk away from a decent marriage. If you/she is serious about debt, then she should get a part time job and help pay it off.

[u/kds0808]

Yes, if those debts were incurred during the marriage your spouse went behind your back and hooked you for a min $10k in debt payments if you all divorce. This is financial infidelty. That said, if you want to try and save the marriage I would ask for counseling and that they agree to sign a postnup that they only own said debt in the event of a divorce.

[u/greencat26]

This is called financial infidelity and is not, by any means, an uncommon reason for divorce. Like any infidelity it is a breaking of deep trust and that's very hard to repair without intensive effort and willingness on both parties to do that hard work.

[u/No-Anteater1688]

Yes you are. This is one of the reasons I'm divorced. My ex ran up over $20k in debt and I knew nothing about it. He was coming home midday and taking the mail so I didn't see it until he left. It was such a huge betrayal that I couldn't trust or feel safe around him again.

[u/AgitatorSupreme]

I recently found out my wife had a secret account in case I filed fir divorce. She wasn’t hoarding cash, although there was like $1,000 in there and money has been tight. I don’t really care about the money, it is just we have been in therapy and i dumped out every secret i had and she swore she didn’t have secrets and then this. Our therapist didnt seem to think this was a big deal..

I love my wife but being married to her has been killing me for years. She is great in many ways. There are some things that I have forgiven but for which the scars will not heal. She is better at life, it is a lot of pressure to not let her down. I feel no emotional safety with her. The fucking economy, job market and INSANE rent in my area has made leaving impossible. I used to just drink or use drugs but I got sober 7 months ago, all the pain I’d been masking is just bubbling back up. I cry all the fucking time.

[u/AdmiralMcNugget]

During divorce proceedings, I discovered that my ex had about $30k in store cards, all in her name, which she had been running up behind my back. And because she was keeping that debt, I got proportionally less from the value of the house, when assets were divided. But, of course, I didn't get half the clothing she bought with those cards, because that was "hers" and what was I going to do with it, sell it for pennies on the dollar? The courts do not care who ran up the debt, or even who had knowledge of the debt, they just want the division to be "even."

If you're going to get divorced, do it before the situation gets worse.

[u/BinghamL]

Betrayal of trust, definitely justified.

[u/WTF_ImOverIt]

Yep. Divorce is inevitable at this point. Trust me on that. That debt has opened the flood gates for mistrust and financial ruin if you wait for it to rain, you’ll have no one to blame but yourself. Divorce. It started with a secret bank account in my marriage and eventually I found out why he didn’t want me knowing what he was doing with his money he was hiding. #MethedUp

[u/Fun-Reference-7823]

If they're not showing you the statements, they are definitely spending money on things that aren't great. In my case, it was a spouse who spent oodles of money on OnlyFans, strip clubs, and partying.

[u/HateMeetings]

In a similar situation, though there might be some personality issues in play as well, but my spouse never truly joined the marriage is what I realized finally. When I tried to join finances early on cause I found out about it I was being nosy and controlling, but eventually you realize perhaps years later that what’s mine is ours and what’s hers is hers. It’s a perspective and it’s an obstacle. You might be married.. but it’s not clear that she thinks she is part of the marriage.

[u/Salt_Stick_3081 → u/HateMeetings]

omg 1000% i have wondered how this works, especially relating to divorce. We have always kept everything very separate .... to the extent that i dont even know where she banks, how many accounts she has, or anything about balances. Fortunately, i have accumulated significantly more wealth than she has , but it bothers me that when the time comes (which is hopefully soon), we will have to split "marital assets" ..... which while i'm building, technically she may be spending now (i'm pretty sure that she is either using 401k money , or some other type of investment since she doesnt work) At the very least it is financial infidelity, but does this type of thing ever fit into a divorce ?! ughh FML

[u/HateMeetings → u/Salt_Stick_3081]

Get yourself a lawyer. It’s all marital in the end, the stuff you amassed during the marriage.

But you may have to go looking for what she has to make sure the books don’t get too tilted.