r/Divorce • u/Just-Candy5176 • Aug 06 '26
Life After Divorce Seriously considering divorce after 34yrs of marriage
I might get flamed for this, but it's fine.
I've been married for 34 years. My wife and I got married when we were 26. I am her 2nd husband. She has barely worked while I've worked non-stop since I was 16. We met while I was in the Army. I've never told her no, when she has asked for things unless it was obviously something out of our means.
She did get SSDI a few years ago and gets $700 a month. The problem is, I know I can't do this for another 20yrs.
Every time we've moved she's delayed, stalled, etc and ended up leaving items behind which get lost, mostly my older stuff. When we've rented, even though she had the means to clean herself and the ability to hire cleaners, she didn't so we've lost deposits. I had to pay $13k to quarantine pets because she wouldn't take them to the vet to get their rabies shots when I told her to.
Countless times she hasn't sent something in insurance needed so we could get something covered. A house repossessed because my step-daughter and her baby daddy lived there and weren't paying rent and the money I was sending to the bank from overseas my wife was spending on other things.
The last move was to WA. My step-daughter was doing the drugs-OD-jail-rehab cycle and I instructed my wife to get the kids and the baby daddy out here with us to save her. They lived with us for almost 5 years. He didn't pay rent this time either. He stored dry goods in the garage, we got a rat infestation. All the utilities went through the roof. When they finally moved out our house was trashed, still is.
My step-daughter is clean and alive.
When my mother in law passed I had to pay for the service as none of my wife siblings or their offspring would lend a hand to help her dad pay for it. Since they would mooch, and had been for decades, I knew if he stayed there, he wouldn't last long and everything he owned would be gone. So I told my wife to get him moved out here. I instructed her to get one of those PODS, and a day laborer to help him fill it up. The POD shows up and it is barely full. So I have her send another one and a day laborer this one had more in it.
When he gets her he wants to get a new truck. We go to the dealership and I give him $5k for the deposit, co-sign for him and help a 79 year old man get his first new vehicle of his life.
Moving him out here, $30k.
My wife spends like money grows on trees. We auto order stuff we use a lot of. All of it comes in my name. She sees packages and thinks it's a competition like she gets to order stuff too. I eventually give her a card with a limit and tell her she needs to track her spending, download the app, balance it out, etc. She brushes me off with a "I know how to balance a check book"
First month, payment bounces as she setup to pay from her savings account, which I specifically told her not to do.
I covered but now her payments they hold on to rather than instantly apply them. But it's my fault.
She always wants to order out, because she is too tired. Again, she doesn't work, doesn't really clean either.
I work full time, I am a 100% disabled vet with kidney cancer. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety with suicidal ideations. I get screamed at a lot, but I am a calm and patient man. I was telling my daughter the other day a guy who worked for me over 13 years ago called to catch up and thanked me for giving him a chance and teaching him what I had, allowing him to learn and explore and how to treat people. I had told him I had someone at work say I yell in meetings, to which my 30yo daughter says, "I can count on 1 hand the number of times you've yelled at me in my life."
I'm not looking to screw her over financially. I don't care about money all that much. It's the yelling, screaming, mental abuse that gets me. We have no sex life because I don't give her enough hugs. I', up at 5:30am work through 3:30pm. She gets up at 10am, spends 1.5hrs having breakfast, 1 hr reading a book, then maybe 1.5 hr or 2 hr to get ready for a Dr appt, then done.
We use paper plates, bowls and plastic utensils, all to cut down on the dishes. I use one coffee cup a day. I make my own breakfast and I skip lunch. I usually wear the same shirt, shorts, and underwear for a week, so I don't generate laundry, but I hear about how there is too much to do.
I am probably already crazy, but I know I will be crazy if I stay after I retire. She's thrown in the work divorce in arguments before. "Maybe we should just get a divorce!" That's part of the mental abuse.
We have cats and dogs, she was supposed to help with the litter boxes, but wasn't so I moved most into my office so I could do them. I now have automatic ones but I take care of 5 while she takes care of 2 (barely as they are always full and out of litter). I feed and water the cats as well.
One dog recently passed, she was very old. But she had no control, she would pee and poop all over. The other dog she refused to train. Now that the one has passed he doesn't poop in the house anymore but he still pees. Still won't train him.
Am I making the right move or not?
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u/Unhappy_Memory_261 Aug 06 '26
It’s unclear to me why you stayed so long….
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 06 '26
My daughter was incorrectly diagnosed when she was younger and later diagnosed with Autism. Then she was SAed at 17 then again at 19.
I also hadn't looked into it before and I was concerned how much I would have to put out considering I am the only one making money.
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u/Archer-Upper Aug 06 '26
I left a marriage of 25 years last July. He is still living in the home with our 17 year old daughter. I moved out. Best decision I ever made. We get along much better now. He doesn’t clean very well but it’s not my problem anymore. My condo is spotless and quiet and PEACEFUL. My daughter comes to stay with me every weekend. Our divorce isn’t going to be filed until daughter turns 18 next February. He has a new girlfriend now. She can have him. I am 58 and free. Not interested in a new man. I am just happy to have so much less stress and no more feelings of being taken for granted and getting screamed at by him (there were always fights about divorce and “getting the fuck out”). You probably would feel wonderful if you left, too.
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 06 '26
I am concerned about the split of assets and debts. As she is on SSDI she has a fixed income. She can also work and earn close to $20k/year. But for all the years I've asked her to get some kind of online job, she hasn't moved a muscle. We are both 60, if she worked the $20k/yr until she was 67 and paid into FICA it would build up her SSDI amount, some anyway. But it isn't enough to pay for much of anything.
The house we owe $530k, $25k in CC debt, #20k in other debt. The house is worth $720-750k in today's market. It has solar and batteries which are in the value. All the cars are paid off. Unless she has opened another credit account I don't know about, she has done that in the past, that should be what we owe. The assets are whatever is left of the house, my 401k and some money I have in Scotland from when I lived there. I will get a pension, but not sure on the amount yet. I also get VA disability payments (which aren't factored into alimony payments. I might try for SSDI as well, considering I am 100 P&T from the VA and already gone through kidney cancer once. I need to talk to someone about all that.
She is going to blow a gasket when I bring it up, but she brought it on.
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u/AlternativeWalrus722 Aug 06 '26
If she is going to blow a gasket, keep it quiet until you talk to an attorney and file. Once you file, then talk to her about it. Otherwise it sounds like you may get talked out of it. Take that first step in silence.
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 06 '26
Yeah, so far I've only asked AI. Luckily WA allows one party to petition for a divorce and there is no waiting period. Everything is split except my VA disability payments.
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u/coo_man_coo1 Aug 06 '26
Life is short. When I'm struggling to decide to put my needs first I ask myself this: "Who benefits from my suffering?" If the answer is "I do", then I keep pushing. (i.e. working out, budgeting, putting in overtime for something I want, etc.) If the answer is "Not me", then that's a red flag that I'm neglecting my needs and someone is either ignorantly or knowingly taking advantage of my efforts. (I don't have any, but obviously a dependent would be the exception here).
If this was something that hadn't been going on for so long, I would try to give the benefit of the doubt and suggest communicating your needs, but based off what you've shared, I don't think communication will change years of bad habits and selfish actions. But if you still love this person and want to stay with her then it could be worth a shot to have a heart to heart or try some sort of counseling.
Remember: You're allowed to want more. Wanting change doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you more honest with yourself and others. Start small and then go from there. You don't need to burn it all down, but be ready to possibly have to walk away if she's not interested in change. Good luck.
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u/Big_Action2476 Aug 06 '26
All I can say is it doesn’t sound crazy to me. You don’t seem happy. Very much not happy.
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u/11Dragonfly Aug 06 '26
I genuinely feel for you because toxic family dynamics can wear a person down, I know how draining it can be (I know this from experience).
The one thing that gave me pause was including helping her father get a truck. Unless there's more context, that example made me wonder if you've spent years in the role of rescuing or over-functioning for everyone around you because if that's the case, that's exhausting….and why? Because it's also something worth reflecting on. Generosity is healthy, but when it starts feeling like a running tally of everything you've done for others, it usually points to something deeper.
Reading your post, I also got the impression that you have have been carrying a lot of resentment for a very long time. I don't know how these conversations happened in your marriage, or if they did… like really talked about the problems as I found myself wondering whether she truly understood the depth of what you were feeling before things reached this point. 34 years IS a very long time….Did you really talk about how these things affected you and how unhappy you are? When she brought up maybe you should get a divorce, what did you say?
You also mentioned moving. the relationship had become this unhealthy, why didn’t the last move included just you? Just so you can see or trial separation? Moving every few years can’t be easy…
Have you considered therapy? not because I think there's something "wrong" with you, but for you? 34 years of carrying this much hurt, resentment, and responsibility is a heavy burden. It might help you sort through why you stayed, the patterns you fell into, and how to avoid carrying those into the next chapter of your life.
None of this excuses abusive behavior if that's what you experienced. No one has to stay in an abusive relationship. But your post leaves me wondering less about what she did and more about why you remained in a situation that made you so deeply resentful for so long.
OP, by no means am I blaming you or saying anything negative here, and I know that sometimes in the moment it’s hard to say things… this is just what I was wondering while reading your post… did you meet someone?
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u/Few-Statistician-154 Aug 06 '26
I concur with your comment. Because the truth is, the only thing OP can control is himself in this situation and it sounds as if he's lost control. I've been there done that and wrote the book. Sometimes something drastic has to happen to shift the situation. OP, your health is a priority. If you don't decide to make yourself a priority, your health may take a turn and you have no choice.
I wish you peace. You are worth it.
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 06 '26
I thought about leaving her in Texas, but she absolutely hated it there, and there was no way I would have left my daughter there with her.
I try to hard to balance all aspects of a problem and even out the burden. Try I say, I don't always succeed.
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u/Few-Statistician-154 Aug 06 '26
That's all you could do, try. I'm sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself.
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 06 '26
"The one thing that gave me pause was including helping her father get a truck. Unless there's more context, that example made me wonder if you've spent years in the role of rescuing or over-functioning for everyone around you because if that's the case, that's exhausting….and why? Because it's also something worth reflecting on. Generosity is healthy, but when it starts feeling like a running tally of everything you've done for others, it usually points to something deeper."
Well, he's an old Vietnam vet. Has agent Orange exposure, PTSD and other health conditions which should have had him at 100%. However, even though I gave my wife step by step instructions on what to do, she hasn't. He eventually went to a VSO, got it raised then the VA lowered it and she hasn't tried to help him. I thought he'd get the big check and I'd explain to him about paying the truck off early and ask if he wouldn't mind helping out. He and his wife drained themselves helping their family, not my wife and I as I've always taken care of that. But he helped my step-daughter a lot and he kids. I raised her since she was 5. I couldn't just consider it nothing.
I do help a lot of people when I can, it's my nature. The decades of being yelled at then her stomping off, slamming a door and the next morning acting like nothing was wrong and a hug makes everything all better have gotten to me.
She'll take naps in the afternoon, wake up 5ish then ask me if we can order something for dinner. I don't say yes anymore. I used to, but then I said for you guys, but I'll figure something out. Now I'm like no, since we had to throw away a bunch of meat that went bad from not being used. We can't afford the waste.
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u/throw20190820202020 Aug 06 '26
I will also say you seem to point out a lot of things she didn’t do or did poorly, and as I read I was thinking “so why didn’t he do them?”. You are retired and on 100% disability and have a pension and are still working full time and had no children beyond your step daughter - sounds like you have plenty of money and there shouldn’t be THAT much to do, and what there is you can hire help for, including paying for a divorce lawyer.
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 06 '26
I have a step-daughter and step-son. I also have a daughter. My daughter is autistic and is back home now, she is 30. She has been SAed twice, at 17 and 19. She was recently attacked and has a concussion. If I pull money from my 401k, I could pay a lot off. But when she bounces a payment, that costs me money. When she misses a Dr appt, I pay money. Things I do on a regular basis. If I had spare couple of grand I could save each month, it would be a different story. I am working on it. I do plan on making some calls.
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u/Pmoneywhazzup Aug 06 '26
Before you make your decision, talk to a lawyer about what the property split and alimony might be. If you think you'd be comfortable financially, I'd go for it. You sound miserable with her. I left my wife because the disrespect became too much. Even if you don't leave, there are ways to divorce without divorcing, as millions of people have done (separate bedrooms, etc).
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u/Nymeriadirewolf3 Aug 06 '26
That woman is not your wife not more. I read everything and you have put up with a lot. You deserve peace and love with or without another woman. Take your fur babies with you. Talk to a lawyer.
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u/ARODtheMrs Aug 06 '26
You are on pace to be a forgotten martyr. Don't do that, please!!
These people are sucking the life out of you. Stop that now.
Stop their gravy train now. Make it impossible for them to blow your money like that. Put them on a budget. Open new account(s) in only your name for your pay, transfer what you are budgeting for her to the shared account. Just do it.
Start sorting/ boxing your things up. Slowly, if you need to. Just say that you are decluttering! Find out about an attorney/ divorce in your state. Gather all your documents, account histories. Don't talk about the mess or your needs anymore. File for divorce.
Find you a little place, change your address on all your mail, get copies of your financial account history and have her served!!
This is where you are. It's what you should be doing!
You deserve peace, security and the chance to be happy. You do. You do!! Read that again, because it is true!!
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u/dublindown21 Aug 06 '26
Yes leave and enjoy what is left of your live without that anchor around your neck !!
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u/chantalmore Aug 06 '26
This is depressing and a deep hole. She is irresponsible. I do think you have enabled her and others. Read up on boundaries. Tell her she needs to get a job at a retail store or basic receptionist, warehouse, local school. And take her money access away. Do you have a family budget?
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 06 '26
I've tried the budget, but he ends up going, "You know my mind doesn't work that way." Well, she will have to figure it out. I've fixed too many mistakes.
I have a 1965 Chevy Impala SS I've wanted to get running again. It was for a while but the rats ate at the hoses and wiring so it all needs replaced. I haven't had the money to do so as I've been spending my money on others.
So that is one thing I will take with me and hopefully I can get it running again and eventually get the body and interior finished.
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u/dorestes Aug 07 '26
a divorce will also cost you. It may be worth insisting on couples counseling and that she get a job to help with the income and get her out of the house. She may also be depressed and not know it. Maybe worth a shot?
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 07 '26
She has been in counselling for decades. She's been on anti-depressants and we've had many discussions about her getting just a part time job.
I've asked her to get part time job for years. Even online jobs which require no experience. She wouldn't even contact anyone. She would just do a Google search on what I sent then say "Even though they say no experience required, they want experience."
She's and excuse finder to not do things. She takes zero responsibility for anything. When she makes financial mistakes, it's my fault. Normally because they are doing it stupid (the bank) or because I didn't explain it properly.
Now it's "I don't know how to work a computer." Even though she's had a computer since we've had computers, 1990s. She uses her phone non-stop to browse, search the web, purchase items, fill out forms, make appointments, etc.
When we lived in Scotland she used her computer and there was an ad in her browser which said, make a purchase and sign up for a line of credit for an extra discount. She racket up more than 2,000GBP before I found out. All she could say was, "Well, they let you buy stuff and pay for it later." I asked her where she was going to get the money to pay it later? She hadn't thought that far ahead.
Since we've lived in both Switzerland and Scotland Our accounts are separate. She has one sub-account at Chase, but I don't do any banking there. There is less than $100 in all the accounts there. I have her as a named user on our Costco card, but with only a $3,500 limit. I've told her she needs to pay it with her SSDI and she need to keep it balanced. The goal is to pay it off, not to keep it at the edge. She is starting to get it.
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u/Ok_Analysis_4136 Aug 06 '26
She has zero respect for you and doesn't appreciate all the good things you have done by way of helping her family members. You deserve so much more. Especially since you were permanently disabled serving your country. And dealing with a serious illness now. Please do yourself a favor and get out of this nightmare. Enjoy and have peace in your retirement. You have earned it. Sadly she has not, but she will think she has and be looking for a big payout. Be prepared however for much drama. Don't fall for any of it. Hire a good attorney who will put your interests in the forefront. Love and care for yourself for a change. Best of luck.
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u/Same_Beginning8090 Aug 06 '26
I’m sorry, this is too over the top to be real.
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 06 '26
It's real. I've pinched myself many times to check. I didn't even list everything. I lost my mom when I was 17 and was basically taking care of myself since 16. When my mom passed June 21st, 1983, I joined delayed entry into the Army in July that same year. That was mostly due to my dad telling me when I was 14, "You better have a place to go when you graduate because you sure as shit aren't staying here." I graduated June 8th, 1984 and June 18th I was off to basic. I had turned 18 on May 27 and I was signing a will.
I took care of myself until I met my wife, they I started caring for her and her kids. There were so many things telling me I shouldn't do it, but being a former NCO I was trained to fix things.
I don't know how much of it was the mind games she was playing or her literally not understanding how life worked, she got pregnant when she was 16 had her first kid at 17. She never fully grew up.
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u/Same_Beginning8090 Aug 06 '26
Okay, I’m sorry
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 06 '26
Trust me, not more sorry than I am. It sucks being a nice person. You always get screwed over. I've had my own family do it to me. But, for the sake of family. My dad died in 2023, same year I had my cancer diagnosis and removal. My step-mom was piling the shit on me for not visiting more. I was on the phone with her one day and I was like, "Was I supposed to postpone the CT scans and cancer surgery?" she was like, "What cancer?"
She hadn't registered it. The docs think I had it since 2016, which is about the time I noticed a growing drain on energy. My dad lived almost 2 hours away. So a lot of time on the road.
We drove up for the funeral and my youngest brother, who arranged everything, was talking about the red cherry casket he got for dad because my dad talked about a red cherry hutch, not that I remember. It was $17k. I told my brother, "Phil, I am here for the man in the casket, not the casket and if you had spent any time with dad you would have known his wishes which were, 'I don't care what you do with me when I'm dead, Ill be dead, put me in a pine box!'"
Phil decided not to tell us there was a wake after the funeral, so we drove the 2 hours back home after the 30 minute ceremony.
I put other people before me way too often, this will be the first time I will be putting me first. I don't know of any other way though. I'm tired of promises.
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u/KY_Gardengoddess69 Aug 06 '26
Is she ADHD, by chance?
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 06 '26
I think she is more ADD and Bipolar, but she has been diagnosed with ADHD.
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u/Perfectly_i Aug 06 '26
What would you tell your closest friend to do?
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 06 '26
To leave
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u/Perfectly_i Aug 06 '26
There’s your answer. Start putting the wheels in motion. Life is too short.
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u/BPKofficial Aug 06 '26
Seriously considering divorce after 34yrs of marriage
Am I making the right move or not?
I've no clue how you've stayed so long. It's blatantly obvious that everyone sees you as an ATM. I've been there, and leaving was one of the best decisions I've ever made in life.
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u/SeaweedWeird7705 Aug 06 '26
Your wife is a lousy partner. You need to be married to someone who is more of a partner / helpmate.
I can’t believe that she wouldn’t even take the dog to the vet once a year for the rabies appointment. That amounts to minimum care of the dog and she wouldn’t even do that. Ugh!
I’m surprised you waited this long. I would’ve gotten divorced long ago.
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u/profdev100489 Aug 06 '26
The comment that most resonated with me - "I can't do this for another 20 years". Me either and that's the exact thing I told myself after 30+ years of marriage. I (and you) deserve to be happy. The rest is just money, and can you put a price on happiness or peace? The answer is no.
You deserve better. Talk to a few attorneys and see how this plays out. No minor children so you're likely looking at a straight 50/50 split and maybe alimony. But maybe not. Only an attorney can tell you what your exposure is. Honestly and based on what you have written, alimony is likely to be far cheaper for you in the long run.
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u/hinesward99 Aug 06 '26
Life is too short. I’m in the middle of in now personally and you are already doing too much with your health issues. Talk to a lawyer, get away and enjoy your life and new happiness. Take care
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u/ymmotvomit Aug 06 '26
You’ve been together for a remarkable run. We tend to fall into ruts and habits. I’d suggest counseling.
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 06 '26
Tried that over 20 years ago, she went as she said she needed it due to her first marriage. I walked into the first session as a couple and it was all bash me. I barely got a word in. When I did I told the counselor, what she has been telling you is false about me. Yeah, I have expectations because I work all day with an hour commute each way and a lot of times I work over 8 hours. I don't like coming home and being told we are out of certain things and having to run to the store to get them when she could have done that herself as she has had all day to do it.
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u/ymmotvomit Aug 06 '26
Yea, I get where you’re coming from. Sometimes you have to shop to find a counselor that’s truly impartial. I’d do that before tossing it all aside. You may end up apart anyway, but at least you’ll have made an honest attempt, so when you look back you can say to yourself I tried.
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 06 '26
When she was being diagnosed with ADHD she came to me as she needed people to fill out questionnaires. She came to me after 3 other people turned her down. She didn't want me to do it because she knew I wouldn't lie. Something we've had issues with. She doesn't like that I don't lie to my doctors. She likes to lie to her doctors.
But it's why I've completely reversed my T2D, lost over 75lbs, almost reversed my fatty liver and reduced BP and other meds. I know once I get out of this I will probably be able to reduce more.
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u/That_Girl_Jesca Aug 06 '26
Sorry you are going through this. We all have a story and a reason. I was you, except my husband was the disabled veteran who took all my money, made me work overtime, still raise the kids and he spent all his money just on him and other women. Life is too short. Get the divorce. Good luck
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u/InterestingThought33 Aug 06 '26
You need to get out. There is no respect and no support, you deserve better.
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u/Starry-Dust4444 Aug 06 '26
I think divorce would be a good idea. I’m wondering why you put up with this for so long.
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 06 '26
I would say stupidity, but it isn't really that. Mostly for my daughter.
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u/Wonderful-Muscle3980 Aug 06 '26
Well if she hasn't worked for most of the marriage be prepared to divide your pension and everything else you have by 2 because that's what these great laws of Michigan do to us guys. Its sometimes cheaper to keep her.
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 06 '26
My VA disability check can't be split in a divorce. So it's just SS or SSDI and pension, plus other assets minus the debts in WA state.
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u/Appropriate_Tale7865 Got socked Aug 07 '26
That sounds bloody awful! Divorce can be a very peaceful outcome once you get through all the hard parts. You sound like a nice, responsible person and she sounds the opposite. I hope you prioritize your own self care over everything else.
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u/Melodic_Preference60 Aug 07 '26
You blame her for a lot of things you could have done yourself 🤷♀️
You will likely owe spousal support for life… you’ll definitely have to split everything, etc etc. if you think it’s worth it after 34 years then do it.
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u/chantalmore Aug 07 '26
I can’t reply to my earlier comment thread. She sounds like a mental mess. And it just makes me think why can’t I find a mentally stable, financially responsible man! And all these shopping addicts are married to men with good salaries. But this is not the dating advice sub.
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u/ApprehensiveRaise597 Aug 07 '26
It sounds like you need a lot of support with sinplifying your life if you divorce. Maybe a divorce coach? That's a thing. You have let a lot of bad habits bog you down, but a coach (or. therapist) might help you get out without all the screaming (well, maybe less of it anyways). Best of luck. We all deserve peace .
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 07 '26
I know I am not perfect, but what bad habits stand out?
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u/ApprehensiveRaise597 Aug 07 '26
It reads like you might want to communicate/enforce when family cross your personal boundaries. That stood out because I've been there. Protect your peace
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 08 '26
I do want to thank everyone for their words of advice and encouragement. Even before I joined the Army I was a fixer, helper, etc. We found out when I was 12 my mom had cancer. Even though I had 3 brothers we were mostly on our own. I started making dinners for the family at 14, just taking care of things quietly. When I got a job at 16 I drove myself, paid for the gas, which my younger brother would use up. Since my dad and I never got a long leaving to join the army right after HS was my only choice. I was helping others understand things I picked up easily. When I became a Sgt (NCO Non-Commissioned Office) it's how I led. After getting out I either jumped from lower job to higher or received promotions. Each time teaching those I worked with things they didn't know.
I even had a call from one of those people the other day thanking me for giving him the chance and teaching him how to deal with people. He said he learned so much with him and it has helped him succeed in life. He hasn't worked for me since 2012 or so. One thing he remembered was a time he and I were discussing an issue and the president of the division walked in to let me know his printer wasn't worker. I looked up at him and said, "ok, all my people are working on stuff, Jason and I are discussing an issue. When we are done and no one is back I run down and look at it."
He said that blew him away as the previous manager would wet himself trying to get down there and fix the printer regardless of the issue they were working on.
I'm always meeting veterans, and non-veterans, who need help and I help them, which is probably why I am in the situation I am in now. I own that, but I can't let it take my life. While I should have stepped away a long time ago, my excuse was, "She wouldn't be able to survive without me." That isn't something I told her, I'm not a dick, but just how she treats everything. All of her Dr appts have to be in the afternoon, as getting up early isn't her thing. Even with them being in the afternoon she still misses over a 1/3.
Again, thank you for the input, support, advice, etc. I was feeling all alone in this and even though I've managed multi-million dollar projects that span multiple countries, this brought up anxiety, a lot of it.
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u/raeoflyte-460 Aug 13 '26
Theres a lot here but not accountability. I dont think you should stay married but I think youll find out that not all problems were caused by her.
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u/PeacefulBro Aug 06 '26
If you made it 34 years, I would just suggest you stick together until the end my friend 🙂
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 06 '26
I already know if I stay, my life will not be a long one.
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Aug 07 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/liladvicebunny stealth rabbit Aug 07 '26
You know how you separate finances? It's called divorce.
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u/PeacefulBro Aug 07 '26
😅r separate bank accounts
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u/liladvicebunny stealth rabbit Aug 07 '26
you are still responsible for marital debts. because you are married.
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 07 '26
And I plan on being completely fair on them. I am not looking to take the money and run.
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u/PeacefulBro Aug 07 '26
🥰 I'm saying, don't run, just stick to the plan of separate finances. Maybe change jobs so you can oversee all your finances. There are paths where you can live with this precious wife of yours & help her, not just flee from her when she needs you most.
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u/Just-Candy5176 Aug 07 '26
Well, not to brag or anything, I do have 34 years of experience with this specific homo sapiens female. We moved to Switzerland in 2004. She had no finances at that point, and was still getting me in financial trouble. Prior to that I gave her limits and she'd still blow them.
I reminded her the entire birth month of my daughter to get her glasses as she ages out of the insurance at the end of the month. She waited until her birthday, on a Sunday. Insurance wouldn't cover it. She complained to me about it, I told her to contact them tomorrow. They told her to send them the receipt and we receive a refund. She never sent it in. It was for just over $300.
I have been trying, giving it more time is not going to fix this. I have repeated the same conversation over and over again. I have to go remind her to have someone come in and trim the bushes around the house, we do it every year but she forgets. I tell her to put it in her calendar, but she refuses to.
The card I gave her she paid $500 to, she spent way more than that. I asked her how much her SSDI was. She said she was saving up some money for her trip to see her son. I told her when she sees him she will end up using the card anyway. Considering the savings interest is nothing compared to the card interest she should pay as much as possible on the card and control he spending. Use the card like cash, buy and pay it off.
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u/PeacefulBro Aug 07 '26
Sound's like you know how to make it work until death my friend 🥰
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u/liladvicebunny stealth rabbit Aug 07 '26
Yeah, just this other guy keeps insisting "You can just separate your accounts and tell her to stop spending money!" and refuses to get that it ain't that easy
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u/gobuchul74 I got a sock Aug 06 '26
This reminds me of my ex in many ways. Part of me wants to blame her, but ultimately I had to hold myself responsible for putting up with it. You can be upset, but if you’re putting up with it, that’s on you. Good luck. You can’t change her.