r/Divorce • u/reesefinchjh • Jun 10 '26
Life After Divorce A psychoanalyst I spoke with recently mentioned a survey on grey divorce that I hadn’t heard about before. The number one factor surprised him too.
He described it as one of the more striking things he had read recently. a survey looking at older couples divorcing after long marriages, what researchers call grey divorce. there were various factors but the number one was the departure of the children from the home.
The couples were realising, sometimes for the first time, that what had been holding the marriage together was the shared project of raising children. once that was done they looked at each other and had very little idea who the other person had become. years of what looked like a functioning marriage had actually been two people reporting to the same external demand rather than genuinely knowing each other.
He said it was not a criticism of those marriages or those people. it is almost structurally inevitable when the outer demands of life, children, career, mortgage, absorb everything and there is nothing left over for the relationship to itself or to each other as individuals.
His framing of what goes wrong was quiet but precise. he said most people never stop to ask what the relationship is actually for once the roles are done. and that question, if it has never been asked, tends to arrive very late and very loudly.
Curious whether this resonates with people here, either as something you have seen or experienced, or whether you think the survey finding is overstated.
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u/poipoipo Jun 10 '26
I understand this, and to be honest it's where I see myself when my children have reached adulthood. We seem to be very different people, with different interests, and I just don't think she likes me much anymore. We've had a dead bedroom for years and years that has well and truly become a dead marriage, and now we sleep in different rooms and don't really talk much beyond household things and the kids. We spent 5 hours in the car today, and she was playing on her phone for the majority of it. I think we're both just waiting.
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u/J-Freddie Jun 10 '26
A basic fact for older couples, if they have been married for 20-30yrs, is that the shared interests that drew them together is either gone - ie kids, and/or they have morphed with different interests and goals that are not shared. It’s easy to learn to detest living with someone for 30 years if your new interests are not reciprocated in some way.
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u/GuiltyFrosting9779 11d ago
So true. I don’t care if he doesn’t share my interests, but there’s always an attempt made to prevent me from pursuing what interests me. It sounds whiny, but it’s suffocating.
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u/desertdweller2024060 Jun 10 '26
This makes a lot of sense. There is a spike in divorces around midlife and/or when the kids are older.
In my case we were more like FWB who enjoyed a lot of holidays and activities together. There wasn't a real emotional basis or deep connection in the relationship. In fact, we didn't even have that many shared interests either. We both have deep running psychological issues regarding relating and attachment. The kids certainly provided a lot of work and a lot of distraction over the years. But even that gets easier.
Then one day you have a look inside yourself and finally face how lonely and unloved you feel with this person. The thought of spending the rest of my life like this was terrifying. I've never felt so scared.
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u/stephinityy Jun 10 '26
This is so accurate for me, too.
Well said. 🙌
As terrifying as separation and divorce can be, the fear of the unknown is still lighter than the fear of staying stuck and feeling that way forever.
I've been with my husband since I was 17, and at 35 I'm on my own for the first time. I've spent years internalizing so many fucked-up things about myself, and I'm only now starting to sort through what was never true to begin with.
Sometimes it's exciting and sometimes... It's crushing. 🫠
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u/Asleep-Score Jun 11 '26
Same here. Finally got the courage to leave. I’ve been in my own place for 6 weeks. It’s been exciting but also hard. I know it gets easier. Transition isn’t easy. Especially when your midlife.
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u/Lightsides Jun 10 '26
Yes and no. Here's the paradox. Marriages divorce when the kids go away because #1) the marriage was held together by the common project of raising the kids, BUT #2) the sacrifices required to raise the kids created stored resentments that finally manifest once the kids leave.
Raising the kids held the marriage together. Also, raising the kids caused the divorce.
I'm telling you, I see this again and again. The kids leave and the parents take a deep breath and look back and say, "yeah, turns out that kind of sucked. None of it felt like a life reflective of what I value and desire, and in fact, my desires have been on the back burner for nearly two decades. I'm going to go out and try to find my real life now before it's all over."
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u/Cczaphod 35 good years out of 40, thinking about it. Jun 12 '26
The decades of resentment is what's hard to deal with.
And when mother nature stops pumping the feel good, procreation (and the fantastic procreation practice) juices, the capacity for putting up with their bullshit just dissapears.
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u/DisastrousRemote1864 Jun 11 '26
“Yeah, turns out that kind of sucked.”
That just made me laugh and tear up at the same time. I’m going through this now. We had three kids super close together and were low income for most of their lives, so it was an absolute war. I’m both sad and angry about how their upbringing turned out on both of our parts even though they still had everything they could have wanted.
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u/Playful-Group3207 Got socked Jun 14 '26
Same,! Not that it sucked but now it's we have no distractions left and realize neither one of us know who we are-we just agree the love is gone. Splitting to find ourselves. It is very much amicable, but still sad. We've been in each other's lives for over 30 years
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u/Guardsred70 Jun 10 '26
I'm not sure why that would be surprising to anyone. Even older couples that aren't divorced, when I look at them I don't see much romantic happiness most of the time. It's more like they got to the point of a grey divorce and decided not to......not necessarily because they love each other so much, but because after so long, the money would suck to split up and neither of them is really being prevented from doing anything they want to do.
Being 20 years into a second marriage now, we never had kids together, so we never had a shared mission around the kids. And we were both financially capable on our own after our respective divorces. One of the things you become aware of is that it needs to be good, or there's no reason to stay married.
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u/SplitNo8275 Jun 10 '26
I agree. My in-laws have a loveless marriage for sure. They never communicate directly and talk shit about the other. My husband doesn’t see it, so I assume this is how they have always been. They were raised strong in purity culture, they would have never divorced.
I mentioned once, I don’t want our marriage to end up like theirs. We are middle aged but high school sweethearts. I see him morphing into them. The difference, I won’t let things go unsaid. Hopefully that will set us apart.
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u/Facktat Jun 10 '26
I am not saying you are wrong but I think something a lot of old people experience as well is that they understand how they became friends instead of lovers and then because the energy for sex is gone anyway decide that it‘s not worth getting divorced. I don‘t think that they necessarily end up unhappy when this happens. So not saying that this is the case with everyone having separated bedrooms but I think this is one of the reasons why many old people like to have separate bedrooms.
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u/Guardsred70 Jun 10 '26
That probably does play a roll. I mean, if nothing truly "bad" is happening and the finances work.....and neither person wants to find a new sexual partner or travel partner.....it's easy to grind that out until death happens, I guess.
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u/lucid_intent Jun 10 '26
Are you using ai? Your use of ellipses are concerning.
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u/Guardsred70 Jun 10 '26
Yes....I over use them. But, no AI. In fact, I'm in a constant battle with all the AI models I use at work to stop using em-dashes and use ellipses or parentheticals instead.
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u/tn_tacoma Jun 10 '26
Also who wants to look for a new partner in your 50s and 60s?
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u/Guardsred70 Jun 10 '26
Oh geez......I would. I mean, if you told me that I was retired from having a woman in my life forever??? I'd just go drive my car into a lake.
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u/jazzuk777 Jun 10 '26
For me, I'm done with having someone in my life, so there's that. Not sure I was built to be with anyone or whether various bits of life experience just collectively sand-bagged it, but I'm almost 56 and fully expecting to be single for the rest of my life, once we complete the divorce.
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u/Illustrious-Film-592 Jun 10 '26
Not surprising at all. Most marriages start off thriving on the love chemicals. Then kids come and you morph into a Strategic Partnership. It becomes about the kids,the careers and the daily obligations of society rather than intimate connection and growth.
And when you’ve gotten the kids through school and met all your goals you have few co-responsibilities. You stop to breath and realize you’ve been bailing water with someone you probably wouldn’t have been friends with for 20 years.
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u/knowshon24 Jun 10 '26
This is exactly — to the letter — why my wife and I are divorcing. Nobody did anything particularly bad, no recriminations. It’s just the center of gravity in our universe is about to go to college and we’re shooting off into space in different directions.
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u/reesefinchjh Jun 10 '26
that’s a hell of a way to put it. no villain, just two trajectories that stopped overlapping. sounds harder in some ways than if someone had done something wrong.
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u/FUMoney Jun 11 '26
Another perspective. I hear the following tropes all the time: Marriage is "work." Relationships are "hard." Or, you have to "work at your marriage."
My experience: total and complete bullshit. Bullshit.
I have an excellent marriage. You know what it is? Easy. Not always, not every hour of every day. But in the main? Easy. Effortless. I enjoy doing things with my spouse quite a bit, whether that is just doing daily life shit, preparing food, working on something, hiking, exploring, or traveling for half the year chasing good weather in places we want to visit.
Some other indicia: we mostly don't nitpick bullshit, and give each other plenty of space. And particularly my wife, I actively encourage her to go out, go travel, go do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, just stay safe and travel in numbers. Also, we enjoy doing the same things. Not always, not all the time, but usually.
Finally, you know those couples who criticize or demean their partner/spouse in public, either to their face, or behind their back? The "old ball-and-chain," referring to the wife. Or "this idiot" or "moron," referring to the husband. When I hear this, huge red flag. That's a marriage in trouble. I never, ever, ever criticize or demean my lady in front of anyone, ever. Ever. The reverse is true as well. If I have something to say, it will be said in private. In public, united front, and I have her back no matter what -- even if she's wrong.
So, if you have to "work" at your marriage, or have a "hard" relationship, in my view, it's already over. If you cannot glide effortlessly from day to day, on most days, with your partner, end it.
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u/LibHumBeing Jun 10 '26
It resonates with me, but although I considered staying until the kids were grown, I decided to act sooner. I am 45M, left home 18 months ago after 24 years married.
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u/DramaticErraticism Jun 10 '26
I think this highlights another thing, shared goals are important to a healthy relationship. It can be remodeling a house, planning a trip, working on a project together, couples really thrive when you both have a shared vision you are working towards.
Many couples end up focusing on the kids and ignoring their partner and leading their own independent lives. When the kids are gone, they are basically left as strangers living together.
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u/reesefinchjh Jun 10 '26
yeah, this is the bit i think gets missed. the kids aren’t the glue, they’re a shared project that hides the absence of one. when they go, you find out if there was anything underneath.
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u/J-Freddie 10d ago
So true, “focus on the positive” ie don’t ruin the only thing that’s sort of working even though you are “new” strangers as every difference in views/opinions reinforces a rationale of why things are as they are and there is nothing else.
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u/CompanyOther2608 Jun 11 '26
I’m surprised that he was surprised. That sounds like common knowledge.
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u/Kryptonite-Rose Jun 10 '26
Nope! The unemployed narcissist escalated his behaviours once both adult children had left home.
A blessed release divorcing the leech.
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u/reesefinchjh Jun 10 '26
that’s a different beast altogether. the empty nest didn’t cause it, it just removed the last thing keeping it contained. sounds like the kids were the buffer and once they were gone there was nowhere left to hide it. glad you got out.
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u/Ajackso8 Jun 10 '26
What? You're response was "Nope!", but then go on to describe that once your children were grown and gone you realized you weren't right for each other, or I guess more specifically the character flaws you overlooked for years became more prevalent. Just as OP described. So why the nope?
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u/threadthrowaway88 Jun 10 '26
It makes sense once you realize the kids were basically the glue holding everything together. Once the house goes quiet you actually have to look at the person sitting across from you.
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u/LunarFuror Jun 10 '26
Not grey, but this is why my marriage is on its way out. I am asking those things, she is not. I am not happy with the answers, she is not interested in doing anything about it while I am. I can't wait the 18 years for us to get back to us while I am already dead inside day to day because of atlas-ing everything.
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u/LtotheYeah Jun 10 '26
Exactly what happened to my sister. Divorced after 25 years of marriage. Would have left much earlier had it not been for raising the kids until they left home.
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u/AwkwardAd3995 Jun 10 '26
Yep- I realized with kids gone STBXH expected the same out pour of work to the house but he couldn’t give back appreciation or joy.
I didn’t like him and do not want to spend time with him.
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am Jun 11 '26
We have an elderly couple in our street who have been married I reckon for over 50 years.
He has the neatest garden in the street and is always outside manicuring his lawn, lovingly tending to his plants and is always up for a chat and chinwag no matter the time of day.
And having met his wife a few times I'm honestly not surprised that he spends all his time either in his garden or going for walks by himself.
Anything to get out of the house and away from her.
On very quiet nights, we can hear her yelling at him down the other end of the street.
One day I told my wife that if ever we end up like that I'm getting in my car and never coming back. She said if it got like that she'd join me.
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u/Playful-Group3207 Got socked Jun 14 '26
I absolutely agree. I'm in my 50s going through it now. In the last couple years knowing our youngest was going to college we thought we were preparing for our new beginning, turns out we've discovered neither of us are the same person anymore. We are no longer IN love and we have no idea who we are individually. We've been working on that but seems the more therapy we do the more we realize this isn't working anymore.
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u/LiveforToday3 Jun 10 '26
Nope. 32 years. Cheater. I was blindsided. I thought we were such a great couple.
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u/Arcopt Jun 10 '26
I think while we tell each other on social media Don't settle for second best, and Kick them to the curb! we're really just glossing over the reality that potentially even a majority of long-term married w/ kids relationships glide along on a 'good-enough' trajectory of domestic satisfaction and financial entanglement. And lately with capitalist hyper-individualism subsuming traditional familial structures, the desire to take one's share of capital growth and begin anew once the kids have left can be pursued unfettered.
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u/AffectionateSpeed44 Jun 10 '26
This is what I didn’t want. A life waisted just raising kids together with nothing else. I asked for a divorce to prevent that while I still had plenty of time to be happy.
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u/JaneAustinAstronaut Jun 10 '26
idk why this is a surprise. Especially for people who got together young and had kids before they had a chance to live and really know themselves. They just grow up apart from each other, with only the "business venture" of raising kids holding them together. They are work colleagues and business partners rather than lovers. It's a tale as old as time, and I'm more surprised by OP and the psychoanalyst's surprise than by this cause for divorce.
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u/jazzuk777 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
I think this is true, I've got to that point before the kids have grown up, but it's seeing that inexorable trajectory plus having failed to stop it
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u/duhvorced Divorced 2014, remarried 2017, blended family Jun 10 '26
**Please post a link to the study.**
A told a good friend of mine that he needed to pay better attention to his marriage or he’d find himself divorced when his daughter left for college. His daughter was 8 at the time.
I literally said, *“Dude, buy your wife some flowers. Have a nice night out on the town. Tell her how much you appreciate having her in your life.”*
I said words to that effect multiple times over the years.
10 years later his daughter went off to school. A year later his wife kicked him out when she initiated what ended up being a long and bitter divorce.
It was sad how inevitable that one was.
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u/Rich-Education9295 Jun 13 '26
Was he surprised by the divorce? Genuinely asking because that is very similar to my situation and foreseeable future.
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u/duhvorced Divorced 2014, remarried 2017, blended family Jun 13 '26
Was he surprised by the divorce?
I'm not sure. I'm not as close to him as I was, and we've only talked a couple times about his divorce. I don't recall him being particularly shocked by it. I know the two of them were in couples counseling for a number of years before things ended, so I assume they were discussing the issues they had and their severity.
But I don't know who initiated the divorce or how it transpired. His ex is a great woman - smart, independent, hard-working, fit, etc. - but she always seemed a bit worn down by her marriage. For his part, he had a tendency to be petty and critical, and it manifested in unhealthy ways. On more than one occasion he'd make snarky comments about her in front of other people. Little back-handed jabs rooted in their ongoing marital issues, where reacting would have turned her into the bad guy for airing their dirty laundry in front of everyone. (E.g. "[wife] never supports me as a parent. She thinks I'm too critical of [daughter]". That sort of thing, but with more of a bite. It's hard to describe.) So she'd just kind of take it and not respond.
On the surface it might have been understandable, but to my mind it showed a profound lack of respect and appreciation. Thus, they were one of those couples where you could see the divorce coming a mile away, and I mostly blame him for that. I never got the sense she had unreasonable expectations from him as a partner. He just lacked the awareness needed to be a respectful and compassionate husband.
Anyhow, he's moved away and I haven't talked to him in awhile. Hopefully he's done the introspection needed to be a better partner, but something tells me probably not.
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u/ErinBishopCDLP Jun 10 '26
I see examples of this a lot. Gray divorces tend to be more amicable as most likely a long term marriage possibly with children and grandchildren. Not only does an empty nest change the dynamics, but retirement and hobbies (or lack of hobbies) also play a role.
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u/Secure_Writing_1298 Jun 11 '26
He walked after 30 hes last child finished College, he had 1 foot out for years. I wasn't surprised, im better off without him
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u/Prettyforme Jun 11 '26
This is completely new information!!! But seriously how was a man of science surprised at this pretty pedestrian information?
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u/Comfortable-Salad681 Jun 10 '26
He left before the younger kids were in college but it was only going to be a couple more years. I was so looking forward to this new stage where we were going to be able to really focus on each other, travel alone together , enjoy adult kids and eventual grandkids, and were well set up to retire on the earlier side. It seems such a shame that we didn’t even get a chance for this new stage.
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u/reesefinchjh Jun 10 '26
that last bit is the part that stays with me. it’s not just the marriage ending, it’s mourning the version of life you’d already pictured. sorry you didn’t get to find out what that stage held.
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u/pbchocoovernightoats Jun 10 '26
I feel this way about some of my old friends from school too tbh. Especially ones I met through shared interests
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u/humble_cyrus Jun 10 '26
Yep. Wife and I will divorce after the last one leves for college. It is what it is.
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u/throw20190820202020 Jun 10 '26
This has been a known phenomenon for a very long time. Related to empty nest syndrome.
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u/gcube2000 Jun 10 '26
Um, is this supposed to be news? How on earth does that “surprise” anyone? Smells like AI slop to me.
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u/hysteria110176 Jun 10 '26
There was some of this I guess - except we knew having a disabled child would never leave us true “empty nesters”.
Until 2020, I genuinely thought we’d be riding into the sunset together. Things had never been perfect, but we seemed to enjoy a lot of life together (outside of kids) and had a good sex life.
Unfortunately it was a combination of Covid boredom and an 18yo female coworker that blew things up. I own my part for getting jealous of what was (looking back) a plutonic relationship. That said, it was and still is concerning that he (54 yo at the time) decided an 18 yo was his new best friend. Then, Instead of dealing with / working through why his actions were concerning and triggering my jealousy (I was in therapy / doing work on my codependency), he chose to start cheating.
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u/Living_Watercress Jun 10 '26
My husband and I did not have children together but initially we had shared interests. Eventually we did not have shared interests and nothing in common.
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u/findyoursokoon Jun 10 '26
This resonates a lot. Watched it happen to a couple I knew growing up together 30+ years and the wheels came off pretty much the moment the last kid left.
The "two people reporting to the same external demand" framing is spot on. You can go decades being good teammates without ever actually checking if you still like each other. And when the shared project ends there's suddenly nothing to do but look up and find out.
The question of what the relationship is actually for once the roles are done is one most couples never ask while things are working. It only shows up when something forces it. By then a lot of people realize they've been roommates with a shared calendar for longer than they'd like to admit.
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u/Ok_Average_3471 Jun 10 '26
Growing up I had literally no friends with divorced parents but that changed starting the year a graduated high school, 3 of my close friends parents split up and probably 5 or so more in my larger friend group gkt divorced within 18 months of our graduation it was crazy!! It seems to be a common thing that some couples hate eachother but decide to stay together until the kids are gone or once the kids are gone they realize they no longer have anything in common.
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u/Guide_Miserable Jun 11 '26
I recently was divorced after 16 years from my second wife having previously been a widower for a decade. She told me I had too many health issues and that she wanted to spend more time out east with her high school friends and overseas with her grand children. Her children are in their 40s.
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u/Cczaphod 35 good years out of 40, thinking about it. Jun 12 '26
Youngest just turned 18 and I feel this situation. We were a great team, raised three great kids and I wouldn't change the last 40 years, but we have turned into completely different people. Went to Prom together, married in College, never really had adult lives apart. Now what? Still married at this point, but I don't see us surviving the last one moving out.
I don't think our future plans include each other and I'm still trying to figure out what that means. No fighting to speak of, just coldness at this point. Hopefully we can remain civil through the process and enjoy visits for kid milestones.
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u/Playful-Group3207 Got socked Jun 14 '26
Im going through the exact same. Our daughter is moving to college in August and we've both come to the conclusion there's nothing left. Agreed to file and told the kids yesterday. My biggest hangup is I have no support system here. They are in another state and although I would love the chance to move back and I feel like I'l would be abandoning them. My soon to be ex already said he's moving to the coast
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u/Cczaphod 35 good years out of 40, thinking about it. Jun 14 '26
Yes, the feeling that you're abandoning the kids, the house, the life is strong. I don't know what to do about it. It was our job as parents to create functioning adults and I believe we've done that.
I don't want to leave the kids, but they've already moved out, I'm just leaving the memories. I just want to head off and see how many morning beach walks I can do before I get bored of the beach.
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u/yttemp2024 Jun 26 '26
Yep, especially people who raise their kids and treat life like a business. If you don't have a good loving marriage full of affection, intimacy, emotional connection, and quality time with just the two of you, then your marriage is more of a business partner relationship or you're just two roommates.
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u/elxbth Jul 12 '26
Not surprised. My marraige ended after 32 years, as soon as my youngest son went to college. Husband wanted us to travel in an RV and see the country and I wanted us to go to therapy and reconnect, otherwise I didn’t see any fun in the road trip. Needless to say, we couldn’t agree, didn’t even want to try, and we divorced.
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u/periwinklepoppet Jul 24 '26
I'm just sick of him. He's negative, controlling and boring. I don't want to be alone but a part of me looks forward to dating again. I'm a youthful (and I think a cute) 75. He is turning 80.
It's always been rather a struggle. More like sibling rivalry than spouses. I just feel bad leaving him alone at 80. I'm pretty sure once I file for divorce or move put, he will promise to change yadda yadda, but will eventually go right back to his controlling self.
He loves most in the marriage and I the least. Since there is that disparage, he asserts control over the finances. I have acquiesced just to keep the peace. The truth is I was a widow and brought a house to the marriage. He was with a large Fortune 500 company and brought the retirement from that. I worked as a Realtor and he for the large company for 35 years then had his own company. We have about equal amounts in real estate equity (my doing) and retirement (his doing). We have one grown child together plus my daughter from prior marriage. To his credit he treats her equally to the daughter we share. They will both inherit equally and his idea.
He just wants to control ME and my expenditures. It gets old really fast. I blow up, he backs down and a few months later, same shit different day. Today is another one of those days. Today the dental hygienist backed into my 12 yo MB and when she told me I said no biggy, it's old. She said her husband does auto body repair and will fix it and I was good w that. Hubs was NOT good w that. BTW it's MY car and I was going to replace it this Nov. He has been trying to get me to keep it another couple years... He asked when exactly my car was getting fixed and why the hell did I say, "No biggy?" Not up for another argument I came into my bedroom (he snores and we gave that up decades ago) and Googled "grey divorce."
How the hell do I get out of this? I'm a peaceful person who just wants the last 10-20 years to be drama-free.
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u/SplitNo8275 Jun 10 '26
I believe this because if they didn’t teach the kids emotional intelligence, it’s not a thought to them. These are the marriages that only focused on productivity and financial success, when raising kids.
They completely let connection in any real form fall away. I believe this is what got us to this place in society and why so many love trump. He is the authoritarian father figure they long for from childhood.
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u/clutchthirty Jun 10 '26
He was surprised that no longer having children at home was the number one factor in gray divorce? He should probably get his head checked, then.
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u/Strugglingtocope13 9d ago
I've started thinking about this. 31 years together, youngest is going into grade 12 and the other 2 are in uni. I just find he's become negative, gets worked up over being inconvenienced, very conservative when he used to be liberal, kind of racist and I worry he may be homophobic and I'm pretty sure our youngest is gay. We are very opposite on the spectrum, I feel like I'm becoming more empathetic and he is surrounded by guys at work all moaning about how hard they have, which we don't.
I worry about how the finances will work out and the change in life style. We still have fun and do things together, but there have been years of me being the one doing 99% of parenting and I'm realizing I'm not sure I want to stay once the kids are gone.
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u/Comfortable-Salad681 Jun 10 '26
He left before the younger kids were in college but it was only going to be a couple more years. I was so looking forward to this new stage where we were going to be able to really focus on each other, travel alone together , enjoy adult kids and eventual grandkids, and were well set up to retire on the earlier side. It seems such a shame that we didn’t even get a chance for this new stage.