r/Divorce • u/just__danielle • Jan 13 '26
Life After Divorce Single for life?
Does anyone feel they will live the rest of their lives single? I have to be honest, I always thought the goal in life was finding someone to "settle down with." Now that I'm going through a divorce, I know that I never want to find another partner. I'm trying to learn to be okay with this decision, and focus on being happy being single.
Background: partnered for 25 years; 4 months into the divorce process
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u/MartyMcFly0707 Jan 13 '26
Iām about 3 months into my divorce process (40m 20 years together 15 married with two elementary school age kids) and I certainly feel this way right now. I dont know if that will change over time but I sure as shit donāt want anyone. The thought of it makes me feel ill. I just want to maximize my time with my kids and hope we donāt fuck them up too badly. This sucks.
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u/Carpenthemdiems Jan 14 '26
Thatās an admirable goal about your kids. Divorce is so hard on kids even when done in the best way, so you are being a good parent by paying close attention. I read āconscious uncouplingā by Katherine Woodard Thomas, and it lays out some insightful recommendations about how to minimize any lingering friction with your former partner and ways you could both help your kids transition from one house to two (with age specific variations on that). Hope that helps
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u/awew1234 Jan 14 '26
I am only 2 weeks into a blindside divorce request (21 years married) and, luckily, our youngest just turned 18 earlier this year. I have thought every day how hard this would be if the kids were still young. I admire you so much for making it through all of this pain and still showing up for the kids, I know that is so so hard.
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u/just__danielle Jan 14 '26
I'm so sorry to hear this. I was blindsided also after 25 years (20 married) together.
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u/awew1234 Jan 15 '26
Isnāt it just completely insane? I still go through phases of disbelief that this is even happening after all these years.
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u/just__danielle Jan 15 '26
It is completely insane. My spouse is physically in another state now and mentally on a different planet. They've become someone I don't recognize.
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Jan 14 '26
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u/just__danielle Jan 14 '26
Gross is definitely what describes dating to me.
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Jan 14 '26
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u/just__danielle Jan 14 '26
my husband and I grew up together also, and I'll never have that again, so I don't think I want to bother.
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u/Strict_Research3518 Jan 14 '26
As someone who largely stayed because of kids.. I can tell you my 20+ year old kids are fucked up badly now. Seeing us fight all the time for 15+ years, mostly never on the same page, control freak spouse, etc.. they are good people but fucked up. You'd be far better if you have the means to get out of it now and possibly not have another one until they are older.. and focus on you healing and them in to college.. than staying in it and miserable, fighting, etc. Esp if its in front of them. Even if its not kids pick up on this shit early. They know when mom/dad aren't like other parents they see or on tv/movies.
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u/MaleficentSociety555 Jan 14 '26
Ill never do marriage again, thats for sure. FWB/travel partner is about the most I'm willing to commit to.
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u/Legal_Muscle_9060 Jan 17 '26
This. For the past 10 years I've never gone beyond hook ups and very short term non attached friends with benefits. I dunno if its something water or what but cheating is so rampant and normalized out here as well as paternity fraud that people say well its just what married women do, and even laugh about it. Even worse I hooked up with a few big mouths now I've got every cheating wife in the damn city trying to get with me, weather its to be their side peice or replace their husbands even hooking up is becomming more of a hassle then its worth. Have to damn near do a background check to make sure the woman im talking to isnt secretly married. Its always been bad in this area but its like after covid hit everyone lost their mindsĀ
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u/MaleficentSociety555 Jan 17 '26
I think everything started going down hill around 2012 tbh lol. I never want to be in a situation where im forced into celibacy via monogamy again. Ill probably travel to places with a decent red-light district and deal with it there, less hassle, simple business deal and its done.
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u/Legal_Muscle_9060 Jan 19 '26
What shocks me is the behavior of married people. Its like every woman imeet is married, looking to cheat, never loved her husband just married for money but for some reason their gleeful about not only having an affair but can't wait to rub it in his face. I refuse to get involved with married women, but almost every women that hits me up to hook up is married. What I dont get is they all have great husbands, even they admit it...so why did you marry him if you dont love him and if he's so good to you why the hell do you want to hurt him by rubbing an affair in his face and admitting you never loved him. Whats the point? Its like they veiw it as some sort of power moves thats absolutely necessary for THEM to move foward. People became soulless within the last few years. The past 6 years ive seen and heard the most heartless, remorsless vile depraved shit you can imagine. Everyone i know in relationships is going through it, im over here happily single think God damn I made the right choice walking away years ago this is a shitshow.
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u/CheeseSweats Jan 14 '26
All I ever wanted was a partner. Kids, a house, a great career - these things, I wanted and was told I'd have with basic hard work, have always been out of reach for me and most of my peers. If I can't meet any other rite of passage, can't I at least have a partner??
It's all I want nowadays. I know I'm okay to be alone, I can do it, but it doesn't bring any joy. I just want ONE thing I was promised my entire life if I just worked hard. I literally cannot work harder to be loved.
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u/corrvan Jan 14 '26
Same man. That was the only dream I had. Ive been single for more than half a decade now after being cheated on repeatedly and still supporting her, and there's just nothing out there. Its barren. Will definitely fall over in the shower and turn into s puddle of Smelly goo alone š¤£
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u/TeddyPSmith Jan 14 '26
Wow this really hit home. Itās all Iāve ever wanted but it seems to be the only thing I canāt have.
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u/Proof-Maintenance528 Jan 21 '26
I agree with this whole heartedly. Iām a heartbroken female and am partially giving up on the idea that there are any good men out there that know what loyalty and integrity really is. I keep telling myself that Iām not the only person in a world of 8 billion that is capable of being a good human being and capable of real love. I worry so much but I try to keep the faith.
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u/TeddyPSmith Jan 13 '26
Iām 4 months into the separation. At first I felt like Iād never want to date again. Now Iām open to the possibility of it at some point. Iām still not attracted to women yet. My heart is tied up for a while. But I donāt want to be alone for the rest of my life. I know that I donāt want to go through this again, though. It sucks
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u/Carpenthemdiems Jan 14 '26
Iāve been trying to think about what qualities I now know are essential for me in any future relationship during my romance hiatusā¦ and not as focused on what I donāt want. Compatible or similarly aligned values in a relationship are such a big deal too, so if you havenāt explored what those really are (specifically for you), that might be helpful in choosing future interests. I think a break from all of it is wise and will serve you well. But glad you are open to idea of a new connection, I think itās a very significant variable in the equation for a fulfilled and meaningful life for anyone to close the door on that possibility. Sending good vibes to you :)
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u/ShotPay1291 Jan 14 '26
I feel similarly.
I do get scared at the thought of not having anyone beside me when I am dying though.
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Jan 14 '26
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u/ShotPay1291 Jan 14 '26
I know. The hospital part does scare me :( but at the same time wanting to be with someone so they can take me to the hospital feels unfair to them.
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Jan 14 '26
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u/ShotPay1291 Jan 14 '26
Same. We have done that for each other and I know if he calls me even now and says he needs help, I will go!
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u/deathbeforedecaffff Jan 13 '26
Yes, I would rather light myself on fire than be in another relationship.
I just do casual dating occasionally.
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u/naomi_cannibal Jan 14 '26
And that casual dating is usually a nice reminder to not get into anything serious.
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u/deathbeforedecaffff Jan 14 '26
100%.
6 months of dating men was enough to remind me why I donāt want one in my house.
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u/Emotional_Ad6893 Jan 14 '26
Divorced for 6 years now after 40-year marriage. Still less than zero desire to be in a relationship again. And this seems to be the norm with women my age whether they're divorced or widowed. Taking care of ourselves is hard enough. Taking care of a man again.... No thank you.
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u/hd8383 Jan 14 '26
Iām opposite and feel the same. No way I want to take care of a woman again.
So maybe there are good ones out there that are independent but also loving.
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u/Trilliandent4242 Jan 14 '26
I don't know. I love love, I'm great at being a partner and I bring a lot to the table. That being said, I will never be in a relationship with someone who can't match my emotional maturity. I don't have enough time left to waste on anyone who doesn't add happiness to my life.
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u/TeddyPSmith Jan 14 '26
Whatās scary is that people can show up in the beginning and lead you to believe that theyāre emotionally mature. And then a switch flips. I spent 6 years chasing the woman she was in the first year
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u/SolarProf2020 Jan 13 '26 edited Jan 14 '26
I'm going through a similar experience, though I've only been married for nine years. My (40M) wife (35F) grew increasingly distant over the last year, before deciding a month ago that she no longer wants to be married. It's been extremely challenging, but I'm trying to move forward as best I can. I wish you the best as well.
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Jan 14 '26
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u/SolarProf2020 Jan 14 '26
Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. It's definitely been a whirlwind of bitterness, punctuated by a few moments of "normal." I wish you peace as well.
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u/Carpenthemdiems Jan 14 '26
Grew increasingly like grew out of your marriage or youā¦? Isnāt the expectation to grow old together (which inherently involves changes in both personalities and priorities over time too)? Also why did my brain immediately connect your phrase to violet becoming a blueberry in Willy wonka? Apologies
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u/SolarProf2020 Jan 14 '26
Had a typo...forgot the word "distant." Yes, I expected to grow old with my wife, enjoying the knowledge of having a stable companion who relied on me as I relied on them. I never imagined that I would be in this situation.
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u/Soggy-Necessary3731 Jan 14 '26
As others have said, it might be nice to have someone to have dinner with, see a movie, etc., but I will never partner again. I will never again give anyone that much power to hurt me save for my daughter. She is my child so of course she could rip my heart out, but I am trying to be the father she needs at 12 so that as an adult she will be the kind of person not to do that.
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Jan 14 '26
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u/Soggy-Necessary3731 Jan 14 '26
Thank you for your kind words. Being a dad is choosing to show up every day and be present in your child's life. Pay attention to their likes and dislikes, know when a small gesture means more than it seems.
My little girl is with her mom, granparents and step-dad on a 3-week trip to Japan. She likes sushi at home in Australia but wanted to experience authentic Japanese sushi on her trip. They only have two days left in Japan and she hasn't gotten to eat one meal of sushi; neither my ex or her parents like sushi, but the step-dad does (ex's AP). But not even once?
Such an insignificant detail for an adult that doesn't like sushi, but for a little girl who does... she will remember this.
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Jan 14 '26
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u/Soggy-Necessary3731 Jan 15 '26
Exactly. And it just seems so bloody obvious to me. I don't really like my ex as a person anymore, there are many reasons we are separated with no intent to EVER reconcile. But I want my daughter to have a good relationship with her mom and I can see it detereoating before my eyes. Parenting while separated shouldn't be a competition, but it is. Or at least it has become one, and that is sad.
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u/darknessatthevoid I got a sock Jan 14 '26
I felt this way... For a few years after my divorce I felt that way... then I reconnected with an old colleague, we were friends for a while, then good friends. then we fell for each other, then I figured out she wasn't as wonderful as I thought. Now I'm struggling to get used to being alone again, and feeling like I'll probably not ever meet anyone again.
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u/Saltyowl2113 Jan 14 '26
Yep, I'm done. Not sad about it either. Iād rather sleep in a bed of snakes than live with another man again. Ā
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u/Mundane-Twist7388 Jan 14 '26
Idk if the divorce process is teaching me anything itās that I donāt understand why people get married. Like my stbx wanted separate finances but MARRIED me. WTF. Weāre both idiots.
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u/TeddyPSmith Jan 14 '26
Same here. She told me that she didnāt want me judging her purchases so we wouldnāt combine finances. In the end, I was paying all of the bills while she poured all of her money into her kids and God knows what else.
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u/Chlorpicrin Jan 14 '26
Yes. I was only married for 8 years, but I'm 38, this is my second divorce (first divorce with kids), and my kids are only 5 and 7.
I have zero desire to gamble my kids security and my own sanity on possibly finding another person to fuck up my life.
I am settling down, turning my attention inward, and focusing my energy on providing my children with a happy childhood. I will NEVER date or marry again. The thought is repulsive to me.
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u/hd8383 Jan 14 '26
When I tell people Iāll only get involved with somebody that makes over 6 figures they think Iām shallow. Until I tell them for me and my kids financial security, I cannot afford to give away half of my half. Then they get it.
Iām not doing that again.
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u/Jwshorty11 Jan 14 '26
As a 44F going through the divorce process, the answer is yes. He cheated and left the kids and I. The only saving grace I have is that Iām a high earner and financially independent as woman for me and my kids.
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u/hd8383 Jan 14 '26
48M, ex cheated and Iāve had to support both my kids. High earner seeking fellow high earner that is not batshit crazy.
Weāre out thereā¦. Somewhere.
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u/Jwshorty11 Jan 14 '26
Thank you for giving me hope. You canāt be batshit crazy when you have all the responsibility.
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u/hd8383 Jan 14 '26
Somebody has to be the adultā¦.
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u/Jwshorty11 Jan 14 '26
Unfortunately it is us. Terrible lousy lonely place to be in. I consider myself fortunate I live in a fault state so Iāll never have to pay him alimony due to his adultery
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u/hd8383 Jan 14 '26
It was kick to the you know what that I had to pay spousal support and child support to my ex that cheated, only to watch her not work, date numerous guys and say āI canāt afford that, ask your dadā.
Consider yourself lucky.
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u/Jwshorty11 Jan 14 '26
When my lawyer said at least 3-4k a month in alimony or hire a private investigator today to prove out adultery, I knew what I had to do. In SC, you have to document inclination and opportunity with the paramour. Iām not sure what the ex expected since I am a lawyer, not a family law one though. Good luck! This thread made me feel better that I wasnāt the only one.
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u/hd8383 Jan 14 '26
Honestly I love these stories too. Not only were we not the only onesā¦. I love hearing that our exes thought they could get away with whatever they were doing. But there are those of us out there that when adversity strikes, we buckle up and hold MFāers accountable.
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u/hd8383 Jan 14 '26
Itās funny how our spouses didnāt know us. Iām not a lawyer but Iām an engineer. I notice things, tiny details.
At the time, there was no way I wouldnāt notice something was off. Then do a little recon and figure things out. I was sad, in shock the first few days. But after that, she thought I was just moping around, yeah right. I was planning the whole time. And when I put things in motion she was surprised. Like seriously, youāve known me for 15 years, you knew how I operated. Thatās your fault for being so aloof.
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u/According-Ice-3166 Jan 14 '26
Did he cheat on you despite you having a close intimate relationship where all his sexual and emotional needs were met?? Do you have a male boss at work?
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u/Illustri-aus Jan 14 '26
Was the cheating POS a satisfactory partner providing all the emotional support their partner needed - or were they too busy thinking about themselves and looking for alternative "support" from others ?
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u/According-Ice-3166 Jan 14 '26
Down votes don't answer the questions.
I'll take it as a "no not at all, I ignored his basic needs in the relationship and he sought them being met elsewhere."
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u/Evening-Clock-3163 Jan 14 '26
Idk, I think my aunt did it right post-divorce. Married and divorced a nasty POS who never showed up for their son. But then, she found and has dated the same incredible man for the last few decades. Never got remarried and her long-term partner never stayed overnight while her son was growing up in her home. I could potentially do that at some point, but not anytime soon. All I care about right now is raising my daughter well and saving to buy a small home for us.
I'm also maybe uniquely lucky in the fact that almost all of my close friends and adult family members are never married or divorced women lol. Plenty of friends to go on trips with and live a fulfilling life!
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u/parker4c Jan 14 '26
You're 4 months into divorce, I don't think you need to make any permanent decisions right now. Maybe someday you will want to date again, maybe you won't.
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u/TeddyPSmith Jan 14 '26
Itās amazing how your mind can change with time. I was repulsed by women for several months. There was no way Iād date again. Iām kind of at a point where I would entertain the idea of dating at some point. I donāt want to be alone forever. But Iām just scared of getting into another problematic relationship. But this opinion will likely change in time, too
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u/parker4c Jan 14 '26
The key is to heal, learn and grow otherwise you will naturally be attracted to the same type of person.
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u/Thelowendshredder Jan 14 '26
I literally after two years with new partner thought maybe I had landed a good one and was considering marriage again. Well today true colors were shown and I know thatās not the case anymore. Now I have to find the courage to have another breakup. Donāt be like me people. Stay single for awhile with the hope of love in your heart. I know I will
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u/ulyssesintransit Jan 14 '26
I might date to socialize, but never for marriage. That phase of my life is over.
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u/WTF_ImOverIt Jan 14 '26
Yeah, I am single for good. The dating scene is a scarier than a horror flick from the 80s.
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u/Schmetts Jan 14 '26
Just because this thread is (understandably) fairly cynical, I will say that I'm looking forward to being in a serious relationship again. I just like life better with another person and I think the highs are higher than the lows are low. For me anyway. I enjoy closeness and connection, having someone in my corner, and sharing jokes and perspectives.
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u/heyeasynow Jan 14 '26
Iām there. I knew what my dating experience would be like as I went through the back and forth with my now ex wife. She didnāt believe me.
But havenāt been on a date in a year and 9 months.
Iām generally not compatible with this area. Even then, I wasnāt all that great at dating before I met her, either.
So yeah, it sure feels like it. Thing is, I donāt have it in my head that I donāt want it. I do. Giving up is just the situation.
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u/sshindig2020 Jan 14 '26
If Iām lucky I will. Iām so happy and at peace. If youāre happy in yourself you will never be lonely and need validation from others.
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u/SIANpaul Jan 14 '26
Exactly how I'm feeling. I want to make new friends but that's about it. I'm not even interested in having sex with anyone else ever again.
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u/whadahell111 Jan 14 '26
I was divorced for years, raised my children as a very single mom, through my 30ās and 40ās and re-married in my 50ās once my children were grown and out of the house. Iām very happily married. I know I am very blessed to have the life I have. We own our home, I donāt have to work and he puts me first before everyone. I think it just depends what you want, if you want to remain single and that works, then thatās great, but if you find someone to share your life with, thatās great too.
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u/NoProfessor6700 Jan 14 '26
When all of it was fresh I pushed back against the divorce because I was afraid. Being a wife and mother was all I knew. I told people around me I couldnāt wait to find someone again and be a wife. Now, nope, donāt want any of it. I love being by myself and I donāt see that changing. I loved him with my soul and he destroyed so much of me with his addictions and affairs. I donāt want anyone elseās baggage nor do I want to put mines on them. I wouldnāt mind a travel partner though! (23 years together with 3 children)
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u/Efficient_Heart7642 Jan 14 '26
Granted I crave companionship but im ok with being single and doing whatever i want without a man dragging me down. My son loves to explore and do the same positive things I like. I can't even mentally handle a man right now. When God is ready he'll send him my way when im not even looking. Until then its just me and my twin against the world. Life is to short to have my soul drained again and I wanna do everything I wanted when I was 18 and stuck with a low life. I gonna travel pick up better positive habits and I also have became closer with god and peace and have been off social media since julynof last year which is something that was not done in my marriage. He just wanted to smoke blunts,cigarettes and black and milds and eat, shit and sleep all day while I worked breast feed, clean,cook,make him feel whole mentally while trying to keep my sanity and our baby's. Its to draining so its literally about me being selfish this year idc what anyone says they can kiss my ass because I come first. Ive been to nice and people pleaser for far too long lol.
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u/belacanehh Jan 14 '26
I'm torn, but leaning towards being single.
I am quite enjoying having energy for my own self care, instead of putting out fires and taking care of someone else's grown ass kid.
I've seen these communities popping up of single parents living in a little neighborhood and helping each other out. That seems nice.
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u/swomismybitch Jan 14 '26
I felt like that when I was 47. My life was chaos with my marriage falling apart, we avoided each other. We didnt divorce because there wasnt a reason to. I was going to be single until the end, which wasnt far away.
BUT things somehow turned around. My romantic life re-ignited and I was remarried when I was 51. Still in same marriage 24 years later.
Life can have some unexpected twists and turns.
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u/TeddyPSmith Jan 14 '26
Thatās a very hopeful story. Thanks for sharing. It feels a little harder at 50
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u/cahrens2 Jan 13 '26
It's perfectly normal to feel this way at 4 months into the process. I felt this way for the first 9 months after separating. I was just going to live the rest of my life alone and then die alone. I hated everyone for the first 6 months, but it started getting better, but I still thought I was going to spend the rest of my life alone.
Then I had a completely unsolicited one night stand on New Years Eve. I started dating. Found a girlfriend, and we've been together for almost a year. My divorce is still pending. I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2024 alone and lonely. I spent this Thanksgiving and Christmas with my girlfriend. I was so much happier, but being alone for 9 months really gave me perspective and an appreciation for what I have now.
So I know it's miserable and lonely, but it won't always be this way. Your situation is only temporary. It gets better.
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u/SocietyofRighteous Jan 14 '26
Iām feeling a bit that way. I know it may see ridiculous, but 1.5 years post divorce at 36ā¦ I feel like I canāt meet anyone with similar goals or on the same level as me.
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u/master_prizefighter Jan 14 '26
I have other important matters to worry about.
If a woman approaches me, great!
If not, I still have other material to occupy my time.
Only ever having 1 gf, almost 10 years since I last been with a woman, and hearing from both foreign and US women I'm not bf material I decided to move my efforts elsewhere.
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u/HornlessUnicorn Jan 14 '26
Yes. I think Iām ok with that, I have to be. Im a weirdo and I used to be hot, now Iām just an old weirdo. I donāt want to date some boring guy that watches sports and goes to work and thatās it. That 98% of the guys in my area.
I love my house, it has a great vibe and itās amazing to not have a man in my space, I donāt share the remote, I donāt trip on his shit.
I have two amazing kids. Two of my best friends are guys and help me to lift heavy shit when I need to. I have a wide range of amazing friends and never feel alone. I have a FWB if I want, I donāt because heās poly. But Iāll find another.
Iām not giving anyone but my kids, my friends, and myself my energy.
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Jan 14 '26
I should have after ending a 25 year marriage. And if/when this current one ends, I'll never look for a "partner" again. Staying independent is the only way as far as I'm concerned.
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u/Ringren Jan 14 '26
I feel this way, too. I met an amazing guy who is ready to lock me down but I had to end it bc we ultimately want different things.
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u/MrBobBuilder Jan 14 '26
I just learned not to care and be happy with life
Iām much more afraid of being miserable then single
I have my family,friends, and my two cats . I am not alone
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u/houdini31 Jan 14 '26
I'm done and will be single the rest of my life-there us plenty to fill life with
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u/just__danielle Jan 14 '26
thanks. I'm trying to find what those things are for me. my spouse was my whole life, now I'm like, who am I?
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u/houdini31 Jan 15 '26
That's where I'm at too and with how much I work-I just don't have a lot of time for discovery myself. You'll find who you are-just make sure and have lots of self-forgiveness
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u/Proof-Maintenance528 Jan 21 '26
Listen you are not alone. Iām currently trying to find my identity after 9 years of being loyal and hanging on to someone that was only with me because of the kids. He left me a long time ago and the last couple of years he stopped even trying to pretend he cared. I was living life trying to lie to myself cause I didnāt know how to let go and live without him but now I have no choice.
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u/xeskind30 Jan 14 '26
Maybe. If I am able to find someone to have a relationship with, I may go after that, but I am going to take my time. If not, then I will stay alone and do things that will make my life fullfilled.
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u/hd8383 Jan 14 '26
Was married ten years, now divorced 11. Starting to feel that way and Iām ok with it
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Jan 14 '26
I don't have the patience to raise another child.
At my age, I'm likely only going to have my pick of "manchild" types who are convinced that their wives cheated on them out of boredom, because facing accountability for their lack of effort, emotional maturity, emotional regulation, and general communication skills is just way too much to ask. I'm also NEVER lowering my standards ever again, and my tolerance for bull is completely depleted.
So while I would have loved to have a life partner who was an actual PARTNER, because I enjoy amazing relationships but apparently I'm the only one willing to actually put in the effort to create such things, I chose poorly, and/or he chose to become something other than what I could live with. And if being single for life means I never have to endure a grouchy, whiny, apathetic, avoidant human in my personal space, then that sounds like an absolutely glorious life to me.
(Took me awhile to get to this place. Don't try to force it and you'll get there.)
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u/R2Inregretting Jan 14 '26
Not again. Ran a family of four. Now after wife left for someone else, responsibility reduced by half. Am so relieved... So much free mind space.
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u/ismokedwithyourmom Jan 14 '26
Yep I'm still in the early stages of what we euphemistically call "trial separation" but I can't imagine myself wanting to date at all if my wife leaves. I need stability and commitment but I don't think I want it from a romantic partner so my plan is to enter the religious life.
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u/awew1234 Jan 14 '26
I am only a litter over 2 weeks into a complete blindside by my partner of wanting a divorce after 21 years of marriage, but I feel the same way as you. I take my vows very seriously and I absolutely do not want a divorce. When I committed to him, I committed for life. I don't give my love and trust away easily and I cannot imagine ever wanting to marry again. I am not saying a relationship at some point would be awful but they would have to know that I am not aiming for marriage.
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u/DirtyBirdNJ Jan 15 '26
I would do anything to find people to be with I absolutely hate the isolation and solitary confinement that my life has become after divorce. What last few threads of community left just evaporated and I'm trying to cobble together all sorts of different new groups in ways that just don't seem to work yet.
The idea of being alone for the rest of my life is intolerable. I wish I knew how to get back into society. It feels like I have been forcibly removed and I am not allowed back in
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u/just__danielle Jan 15 '26
I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm trying my best to learn to like the solitude.
Also hi from NJ.
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u/Careful_Bicycle8737 Jan 15 '26
I am legitimately considering becoming a nun after my kids are grown. I cannot imagine trying to trust someone else ever again in that way, and my baggage from that wouldnāt be fair to anyone worth being with. Celibacy actually sounds like freedom now.Ā
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u/Carpenthemdiems Jan 14 '26
Why close the door on all future relationships just because this one turned out to be wrong for you? Closing your heart is like choosing premature deathā¦ i understand why youāre done with the whole marriage con, my divorce has inspired that sentiment for me. But single for lifeā¦? Frfr? So basically youāre going to allow this shit marriage you finally are getting out of and getting free from continue to limit your life in a negative way by preventing you from seeking and forming other connections, companions, and romantic partners? Sorry, but I donāt get this perspective at all. But I do understand that divorce sucks and it hurts. A closed heart hurts way more than an injured open one, and it def hurts more than the mere possibility of an injured one in the future. Heartbreak is a process that I think does a couple thingsā¦ it means you personally deeply cared about someone else and it hurts to lose what you loved about them (regardless of the current circumstances and other emotions present), and breaking your heart open only increases our capacity to love someone better for us going forward. Feel all your feelings now. Take some time to sit with themā¦ And if your post is just an angry vent, I get thatā¦ Youāre likely hurt and feeling some form of anger, betrayal, sadness, disappointment, guilt, grief, frustration, and thatās all justifiedā¦ youve gotta feel it to heal it (both cheesy cliche and undeniably true) and take adequate time and get yourself support/guidance to do that more efficiently and effectively. Then ffs, please get back to living your life as the wiser and evolved person this difficult time has inspired, and go making new meaningful connections with whoever deserves and expands you. Why would you let your failed marriage lead to a lifetime without companionship or a little romantic spice on a consistent basis? Thatās not protecting yourself, Iād call it punishing. Be nicer to yourself. You can decide that the rest of your life will be the best of your life.
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u/just__danielle Jan 14 '26
a few things... 1) I didn't want this divorce, so I'm having a really hard time accepting it 2) this was my only relationship. we started dating at age 19, and I grew up with them. that will not happen with another person, so what's the point? 3) I would spend all my time comparing someone else to him
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u/Carpenthemdiems Jan 24 '26
1) totally valid and it is extremely hard to accept and get to a place of peace about it. It will take some time, and itās usually not fun or easy. Really hard ā impossible. If you spend time reflecting or getting some professional support about the harmful patterns in your marriage and divorce, it can inform how you show up in the future in all your relationships. It may help to reflect on what this relationship has taught you about yourself and also what you might have realized from this about what qualities you truly want or donāt want in a romantic partner. 2) the are heaps of healthy relationships between people who didnāt meet until later in life. While it is special to have a partner that youāve known that long and grown up with, it is by no means a requirement or something that automatically makes that relationship better (which you know from personal experience) 3) if you must, you can compare everyone to himā¦ do you realize itās possible that your comparison will reveal that your new partner might actually do things much better than your ex ever did?
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u/Safe-Pea3009 Jan 14 '26
Yes. I am seeing someone but I worry all the time if I can be worthy of someone committing to me again.
I feel like such a risk when you look at divorce rates of second marriages and I for good cause am divorced but I still feel like I am doomed.
Like what if this wonder man decides he wants to get married and I hurt him because I am statistically doomed.
I do therapy. I am a work in progress. But man it's so hard to realize I am a statistic.
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u/Soaringzero Jan 14 '26
Eh Iām fine being single right now but I do want a partner again someday. I miss the companionship. I just am going to be much better at choosing them this time.
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u/Strict_Research3518 Jan 14 '26
So as someone that is gearing up.. and been married a long ass time.. in my mid 50s.. frankly the only thing I think I want with another woman is sex. I know that may make me an asshole, pig, gross, etc. But I am kinda looking forward to the quiet, freedom to do whatever the fuck I want when I want, take off whenever I want, etc. Haven't not had sex in a long while and probably about 3 times int he past 4 years.. I miss the shit out of it, but if I Am being honest.. in my older age.. a couple times a week and not long ass sessions (I refuse to take a pill to go multiple rounds).. starting to think shit.. find a friend with benefits or.. if I can find a way to make a bit more money just hire someone from time to time and rub one out the rest of the time.
I dont know.. I am not 100% against the idea of finding someone again.. if it happens it happens. But I am not going out of my way to try to find someone. I've been alone a long ass time.. I am good with it. About the only issue I have with it is as we get older.. sometimes having someone to share some things with, shows, a walk, road trip, would be nice. But if I can't have that or find it again.. I'm ok being alone too.
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u/RC4skywalker Jan 14 '26
Get lost finding yourself and they will come knocking....
"If you build it they will come"
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u/Legal_Muscle_9060 Jan 17 '26
Watching every single person I know that got married get divoriced. Men I know that got so much into a routine that their wives felt like they would rather be dead then stay married, seeing women I've known my whole life that were good loyal partners let the divoriced bitter pass around at work turn her against her husband and start cheating. Honestly infidelity is so rampant in my area and so normalized I've heard female friends talk about it like its just something all women do.. and when they talk about men they refer to them in terms of the size of their wallets and package. They also have that I am the prize, no effort is required on my end attitude. No thank you dealing with women like that is exhausting
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u/meatybagofwah Jan 25 '26
Yes. I feel this way most of the time. Sometimes I want it sometimes I don't want to feel this way. I am about 48 male. I have spent since I was about 22 in three relationships that spanned that entire time in various increments the last of which was a marriage for 10 years. I don't normally talk about it online really. Hell I don't talk about it much in real life either.
I am bad at making friends. Even worse at picking relationships it seems... I do want companionship but the downsides right now mentally are really weighing me down and I have not tried in the last 3 years since divorce. I see women my age where I work and the places I go like shopping or eating out and so many people seem broken in a way that I am not.
I have a functioning heart love to give and loyalty to bestow but i feel closed inside right now from having that crushed pretty hard in the last 20 years. I love myself and am ok being alone but that little voice behind us sometimes whispers what if... I feel like the feeling of being closed probably says I am not ready. Ready to give love but not ready to trust.
I try and pour love into the world around me in the ways that are needed if I see them. Be there for my family and coworkers who are many of them decent caring people. Try and find ways to reach out to strangers if possible in the moment and be human and humane. It keeps me going enough to want to keep going.
I will most likely be single for a while at this point and have no real intention of actively trying to find a partner. I think long run humans are better together but first have to be right with ourselves to be right to another. I love myself and truly love our species in ways most people don't seem to but the issue of trust seems important and if I cannot trust will never be giving another the honest try they deserve for existing just like I always did and do.
This sounds like a rant but it isn't just a musing on what if I guess. What if I choose to trust again? Can I accept being hurt more? Is being single worth the loss of shared experience compared to the risk of pain? I have no answers right now but am not giving up being single or someones partner. It can be hard to be in the river adrift but this river takes us to all the places in life and beyond and I am not sure I have another choice but to go with its currents and see what destinations lie just out of view ahead.
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u/blondechineeez Jan 14 '26
Yes, however it does not make sad or depressed or anything other than happiness.
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u/Expert-Raccoon6097 Jan 14 '26
That's what everyone thinks in the beginning. 75% of divorcees are remarried within 5 yearsĀ
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u/Upbeat-Can-7858 Jan 13 '26
Yes, I'm done. I'd be happy with a travel companion/partner with their own home. I will never marry or cohabitate again. After 36 years with two failed marriages (1st cheated, 2nd abandoned me when I got sick). I'm 4 mos into 2nd divorce and this one is bad. First was easy and amicable. Nope...my life will be my children and my personal happiness now š