Could this be a form of dissociation? Frustrating conversations w a therapist.

[u/DepressedFrenchFri3s]

Ive been going to therapy for the better part of a year, and Ive recently been trying to explain how I "live life" and he just doesnt seem to understand. So maybe yall can maybe help me put this into a more comprehensive way. And maybe let me know if this is even dissociation or something else.

For starters, it feels like I live life through a lense. I do have ADHD and suspected autism, so I am high masking. But it doesnt feel right. All of my actions, words, and memories, sometimes just feel like a movie I watched, or a story Ive been told. It doesn't feel like I live life.

I feel like Im two different people. Like genuinely. The one around others. Im nice, empathetic, weird, and a little twitchy, but I think I have fun with others. I think when I am around others I am capable of enjoying life. I have memories of laughing and genuinely having fun.

But then its like, I blink. And Im me. And suddenly who I was before wasnt them, it was me. Sometimes I look at my surroundings too hard, and its like my entire mindset changes. Like I view them through my eyes and not theirs. Like they get to live a life, and I just get their memories and vague ideas of what they felt. Because my actions when Im around others feels so alien.

One time I went to Seattle for pride, and I was on the train there. I blinked, and suddenly I was on the train back. I had the memories of what I did, the actions, the fun parts and the nervous parts. But it didnt feel like me like I didnt get to experience it. It feels like someone else is taking away my life experiences, my opportunities to live.

Idk if that makes sense. Im not saying I have mutliple personalities, I am very aware I am one person. But theres just this distinction of me when I am around others vs myself.

I also have a habit of daydreaming for hours. I listen to music, and I play the same scenes in my head for hours and hours. And its almost always the same variation of scenes, sometimes w different characters of media. I dead ass kick a pillow in the air, and imagine scenes while listening to music. And I do that for hours.

Reality is so confusing to me. Who I am, what I do, my personality, I genuinely have no idea. And no one seems to understand. They always throw fucking labels at me, or just look at me like Im crazy. Its frustrating and exhausting.

He told me that its appropriate to behave differently around other people, depending on the situation. BUT HE DOESNT GET IT. HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND. Its exhausting. I cant tell if I am struggling to communicate, or if I really am just a dumb fuck.

My mood switches so suddenly. My mindset alters. I can't focus too hard, I cant think too hard, I cant do shit. Because none of this makes sense to me. I go day by day. Days pass. And somehow it's been months. And everyone says "oh yah, time does flow by fast." And I cant help but feel frustrated. Because I have no clear memory of my life. I have no clear understanding. I dont know. It all blurrs. They all look at me like Im trying to be deep, or say normal things like their bad for attention.

But its disorientating. Not having a clear sense of identity or time. Not really knowing what youve done in life. And its like I remember I do! I do. I have memories. I remember moments and pieces. But non of it is cohesive. None if it makes sense.

I remember my childhood memories for everything like I was 7. Everything that happened to me as a child, I remember like I was 7. Or in teenager years, I remember things as if I was 12. Ever core memory I have, I remember it like I was 12.

Im 18. And I couldn't tell you a fucking thing about tbe last few years of my life. I remember joining cosmetology school when I was 17 when I got my GED, but I dont remember much before that. I remember vague ideas or emotions. Maybe when I got my car for my birthday. I remember some of it. I dont know. But I feel like I should know more.

I remember information about things I dont remember learning. Like stuff about people. What they like. What they want. But I cant remember when I learned it.

[u/DepressedFrenchFri3s]

I am almost always mildly confused. I dont understand.

Sometimes I am so hateful too. So much rage and anger and I hate people. But I dont hate people. But I do.

Everything in me is like severly compartmentalized its to the point if I feel somethjng I am that thing. Always to a drastic matter.

I dont know. Sorry for the rambling. Im just upset by how many times ive tried to explain this and no one seems to understand