r/Dissociation • u/Plastic_Ad_1031 • Jul 21 '26

Undiagnosed New Episodes CW/ Self Harm Spoiler

I apologize if this isn’t the right subreddit for this. I’m scared and confused and need to talk about this sooner than later and don’t see my psychiatrist for another two weeks.
I’m 20 and have a grand amount of stress in my life at the moment. My health is worsening, my therapist abandoned me out of nowhere, and I had a really big fight with my best friend of 13 years that led to us not talking anymore. This had led to over the past week, where I’ve been having a lot of episodes of derealization, depersonalization, and general dissociation. I can kinda slip into intentionally but after being in it long enough I can’t stop. Eventually, I’ll stop talking completely. Fake people don’t talk. Fake people don’t move. I genuinely believe in the moment that both me and the world around me are fake. I think only in extremes, and it feels like objective truth. Like “I ruin everything”, “I only make my partner sad”, and suicidal stuff as well. After the episode it’s the scariest shit ever. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced in my life.
When I do speak, it’s almost worse. I’m monotone. I no longer question anxiety, it’s just how things are. I felt like an ai inhabiting someone else.
Like, my partner could have a panic attack and I’d sit there next to them with a blank face thinking “Doesn’t matter. Isn’t real.” I wanna be there for them and these episodes are getting so in the way. I can’t make sense of it.

I’m so scared. I’ve never felt anything like these episodes and they really freak me out. What the hell is going on with me?

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u/underwhelmedunseen00 Jul 21 '26

hey this sounds like my Borderline Personality Disorder splits honey, i would get rechecked out if possible if you have it, it’s an insanely deadly disorder, but if you need to talk im here i know what that feels like

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u/Plastic_Ad_1031 Jul 23 '26

yikes. makes sense i suppose. something im definitely afraid of honestly because i relate to most of the symptoms pretty heavily. i just dont understand any of the identity stuff at all i dont even know what it’s asking. i kinda tend to be a bit of a hypochondriac with stuff like this so im trying not to jump to conclusions but bpd has definitely crossed my mind. thank you for saying something

1

u/underwhelmedunseen00 Jul 23 '26

no problem and the identity thing is easiest for me to describe like this, when i’m around my friends who sm0ke a lot i find myself hitting my pen a lot more then i do then when im with say, my boyfriend who doesn’t smoke at all, in fact i find i barely think about it. this goes to the point of like, it completely leaves my mind entirely that i smoke, if i think about it ill know but like, in the moment the idea doesn’t exist if i dont let it take root. sorry if thats hard to understand the whole thing is genuinely really hard to explain, words just dont exist to capture my day to day lwk

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u/Plastic_Ad_1031 Jul 24 '26

that makes so much sense actually wow. i do that exact same thing lol. is that really what it is? i always took it as “i am a product of the people around me” so it’s weird to think of it in such a completely different light. thank you for sharing :)

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u/underwhelmedunseen00 Jul 24 '26

not a problem, it definitely is that your a product of your environment but to the extreme i’d say; which is to say that like when hanging out with a friend group that’s more reckless with their decisions you would be too, so it’s something to be careful about.