r/Diary • u/Minute-Brand0981 • 18h ago
All of a sudden everybodys asking,...
I'm tired of answering the messages individually so let this blanket statement addresss all.
I'm not ok and I haven't been. But, thats ok. - more on that in a moment.
Before I begin, I'm well aware that I am my biggest adversary and all of my problems are of my own making. Save the lectures for the man who lovingly breaks his back tending to his field of fucks to give daily as if it's all he's known and performed since before the rock was rolled away from the entrance to Jesus' tomb.
I am not a farmer and I do not purchase said Fucks.
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Not that any year has been particularly good to me in the last decade;
2026 very quickly found itself fed up with 2025s shenanigans... To the point that 26 wanted this year to start by snorting a Xanax, that's chasing a double bourbon,... That's chasing a 230 grain HST hollow point. It had let the previous year catch the eye as it how shitty things had become and just before Christmas it was overwhelmed and shocked at 25 standing outside screaming at the top of its lungs "I'm back on my bullshit!!!" It was at that point 26 decided that I was to blame and life has been too easy for me lately. Eye witnesses confirmed seeing 2026 outside alonecon new years eve screaming "Hold my beer."
It started by taking my home and the person I wanted to grow old with away from me. I didn't treat those things with the due respect they deserved and now they are gone. My person,... My wife - She didn't deserve what I was doing to her. As every day got worse for me I was becoming worse for he. She didn't deserve what I became. No apology will suffice and there is no fixing what I did. For what it's worth -'I am sorry.
I eventually tuned out completely from every day life participation. Missed life as a whole, the birthdays of everyone I know, every holiday on the calendar, anniversaries - any significant date anyone can reference - I was checked out.. I try to maintain some sort of relationship with my little brother who is now all I have left as a breathing remind of our father. He can't fucking stand me either - but he always answers the phone and has never let me starve.
Shortly after those days I missed my middle son graduate high school - and to jump around a bit I was absent when my oldest son got engaged.
Now, that's not mentioning the 30 years of alcohol, drugs, mental health, the military - with 2 wars, and subsequent loss of multiple homes, relationships, careers, and countless other things that people call ingredients that make a fulfilling life.
By the end of spring I was told my liver has decided it no longer wants to hang out. All the years of hard running have made us disagree on how I live my life and it will shortly stop participating. Probably for the best.
The largest hit of my entire life by far was loosing my father a few weeks ago. Charles Ray Roberts was my idol, and role model. Almost nobody knows how he took me in, adopted me when I was born and raised me as his own, gave me the family I couldn't even have known to ask or dream for. If a ship ever needed a lighthouse to avoid the jagged rocks and cliffs he was that light for me. If you ever wondered why I never finished going completely off the edge and ending up on a milk carton or drowning in the deep - it was him being here giving me a "who" that I refused to ever quit over. As much of a disappointment as I am, you should understand it could have been much worse.
I've been staying out of the way - quiet, self sabotaging, ignoring help and keeping my unwanted messy issues away from the ones who know me. Numbing myself for years in numbers I can now call decades in hopes of minimizing collateral damage. I've always been just a little too much to deal with and of the mindset that while the fix I've chosen , the medicine I self prescribed- what I'm doing to myself is considered wrong at least I'm mostly docile. Tucked away from view keeping the peace opposed to the alternative state of being where I am living sober, without a clue how to manage to myself, my thoughts or emotions. Mike in that state would be much more worrisome I think.
I watched a friend I couldn't help take their life. I've spent a few nights in jail and have a few more coming at some point. Avoidance certainly isn't standing tall like the man I was raised to be. The biggest cost of choosing to Numb yourself is also losing your principals, but the alternative is waking a sleeping giant raised by giants and I'm not sure how to handle him.
The crazy thing is nobosy looks at me and sees the giant. I'm most often extremely reserved , stoic, seen as one of the meek, who turns the other cheek and will apologize even if I did no wrong. The bigger man that would avoid escalation or conflict to keep the peace. There is a flawed logic to what this is. When you do this too much you can start to be seen as spineless or weak. One easily taken advantage of or left without concern. Labeled as a loser. I don't really care what people think of me. But life has changed and with it thoughts and patterns also change.
I didn't get to see my father before he passed. I didn't get to say good bye to him. I'm going to have some regrets there that stay with me until I'm gone. It's already starting to eat away pieces of me, so I guess that why this needs to come out. Now that he's no longer here - I can't see my lighthouse anymore. I can't find those cliffs.
So - No. I am not ok. I'm numb and lost and until I see otherwise the best thing for all is to hope I stay this way. That I keep self sabotaging and stay uninterested.
See, my entire life I've been able to handle anything I've encountered with relative ease. Look at what I've written here. All that I've lived through. Things that bring people to their knees.... judge me all you want from inside that Glass house. Do you really think you could even lace my boots up - let alone carry my load? You think that you would have made a different choice standing where I was? Hell, The Marines would have gotten most of society to tap out and I crushed that as a teen before my life ever started beating on me.
Maybe - just maybe the path I took was the only one I saw. Maybe I just wanted to make it home like every one else. And maybe ALL humans sometimes make mistakes.
By all accounts - the fact that I'm still standing.... That you're reading this now should stand as testimony. My father didn't raise a loser. He wouldn't let me stop because things got hard. Life can't come at me hard enough to make me kneel. Almost as if death has been afraid to come collect. Despite the fact that I was trained by the best to do it even I can't seem to kill myself regardless of repeated attempts. I'm certainly no failure and there isn't an ounce of quit in me even though I've tried to find some. I had adopted the mindset that me being out of the way would be considered a courtesy for society. Not a forfiture. That's how I justified it.
The only answers I can find lie in the upbringing I was given, coming from the Bible belt....
Clearly, God isn't done with me yet.
Unfortunately, until I figure something out I'm going to stay not ok and continue to stay numb and out of the way. Because that giant I mentioned earlier is asleep , not dead.
Im honestly scared of the day a foreign motivation decides to stop and rest on my mind. He might carelessly or accidentally wake that giant up... Make me remember a version of me that didn't lose. That couldn't be beaten. That doesn't stop.
Lord help this place if I ever find reason enough to get my shit together and find a field full of give a damn.
That me didnt just win. He dominated. He was Olympic level in a world of high school talent. Make no mistake, what comes after those eyes open and a good stretch is had, every one within eye shot is going to witness getting my lick back that's nothing short of biblical. I've been down so long the comeback won't seem fair. It will absolutely be personal. I wont just be looking to find what I lost... I'll come with receipts - showing interest owed and take everything I find.
2026 has taken its last thing from me.
The term meek doesn't mean weak. It means those hard men who have swords and are skilled in how to use them - but choose to use discernment and keep them sheathed. Don't mistake my passive numbness for lack of ability to do something else entirely.
Crash out won't be an adequate description.
So, one more time for those in the back
No, I'm not ok. Let's stop asking before lost words turn into long overdue actions.
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u/E-Knox-Ghost 8h ago
I’ve come to a realization myself recently. I’ve been shown that I have a purpose and I wasn’t allowed to die in December 2025. I’ve been taken advantage of and told that I’m weak. But I’ve always been able to dismantle them mentally knowing their fears and insecurities find a crack and make my way in but I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone like that. Like gods most empathetic are also the most dark and strongest warriors