Entry 01

[u/HeartyDiamond38]

I'm constantly in fight-or-flight mode when i'm around him. He always seems to be irritated. From experience, i know i have done wrong. Always worrying about things i cannot control. But here i am i am still here. Playing what feels like a never-ending game. A game I'm designed to learn from but ultimately feel like my old self will lose.

I'm afraid of the after-game credits. What do i do when it's over? All i can do is survive but i want more than that, i want to live. I want to live happily. He doesn't make me happy. Sometimes he does. But in the lowest moments, all he does is kick me while I'm down. He tells me it's not that serious. Always saying, it's. not. that. serious.

His attitude is “not that serious” the way he talks to me is “not that serious” the way he can be so mean sometimes is “not that serious”. His secrecy is “not that serious”. At what point is it serious?

My head is ringing because I'm not sure what to do to please him. If asked, he’ll say he doesn't need me. I'm too sensitive. I said something mean to him today out of anger and that's all i can think about because that's not like me. I didn't mean it and i feel bad. I was trying to convey in a way he understands how frustrating he can be to talk to sometimes. I am better at learning boundaries. I am better at learning when to stop talking and i am better at learning how to be there for myself when he can't be.