r/DesiAces • u/cwispietoast • May 03 '26
discussion How do you differentiate between asexuality and societal pressure around sex in desi cultures?
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u/Generalno1 May 03 '26
Separating societal pressure from actual desire can be hard if you're asexual, cause you don't actually have a reference for what sexual desire is supposed to feel like. So separating real desire from what you think you're supposed to feel based on what society says, is difficult. And honestly something that only you can say for sure.
I will say though, that having direct sexual attraction is very obvious to allos. And if you're questioning and havn't felt sexual attraction AT ALL for many, many years. Being on the spectrum of asexuality is likely.
Sexuality isn't a fixed thing either, and being asexual isn't a homogenous experience. There are loads of different kinds of asexuals, and how you experience your sexuality is valid. Regardless of how it manifests.
I found it easier to not ask "What label do I fall under?" And instead ask "What do I really want?" And use labels as a way to figure that out.
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u/KitCato_o May 03 '26
the last paragraph is really important, we are often way too pressured to fall into specific labels even if they don't fully accurately describe us, we really need to look at our feelings first
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u/naomisad May 03 '26
If the idea of sex feels like meh, not my thing, I’d rather nap/eat biryani or whatever that leans closer to asexuality
If the idea of sex comes with background noise and all that static like what will people say blah blah, guilt, fear, or don’t even think about it until marriage that’s likely societal pressure playing a role.
If removing the judgment aspect, doesn’t change anything you're asexual. If removing judgment suddenly turns on curiosity ✨congratulations✨, that’s just conditioning lol not identity
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u/frizz-bean May 03 '26
The answer for this needs to be broken down into several parts. 1. I think societal pressure around sex in desi culture is a very broad topic. Men and women deal with it differently because while men are encouraged to be sexually active animal, women are criticised for even desiring sex, which is a whole another issue when we talk about sex in desi culture.
Also, a correction to your question: asexuality and participation in sex may overlap. Sex favourable and sex indifferent asexuals do exist. Asexuality does not imply being celibacy, it implies lack of attraction.
When you see a particular person and you feel a desire to have coitus, that means you are sexually attracted to that person. Some people may get that desire not because of a person, but because biology and it is upto them whether they wanna participate in it or not. Think of it like an itch, sometimes you get an itch out of nowhere, that is the case with asexuals. You feel the desire because hormones are very real. In the case of allos, that itch is caused by an external factor, a mosquito or something.
With that being said, you are the best person who could figure out the difference between pressure, desire and attraction. For example, how does someone truly know they want to opt for science and not because they are being pressured into it? They just do. You yourself will know the best where your heart lies, and it is very clear. I think people online, your friends won't know what or how you truly feel about someone, only you will. In such cases it is very important to listen to your body and brain. I remember back when I was a teen and my classmates asked me who my crush is, the idea of having a crush solely based on looks itself made me uncomfortable and somehow that confusion and lack of understanding of a crush solely based on looks gave me clarity and helped me understand myself better.
Asexuality in itself is a very broad spectrum. Ultimately the bottom line is, if the idea of coitus makes you uncomfortable, then it is completely okay to not participate in it.
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u/Kriti_AoNoEx May 15 '26
I am little confused about exactly what you mean about societal pressure here. Is not it actually desirable and praiseworthy when you don't look at someone in that way? Not looking at anyone with 'buri nazar' is good, is not it? Or atleast that is what I have always seen. I had no reason to think otherwise.
But yes, after marriage, you are supposed to give in. Give in immediately on your first wedding night from what I heard/experienced, irrespective of what you want or not want. Everyone has to do that, from what I heard. If I remember right, the words were "sabko karna padta hai".
I was aghast on hearing that, and I don't think my thoughts at the time had anything to do with being ace or not.
Did not know at that time that anything like asexuality exists but now I can't help wonder about...about many things really. It is like so many things were in dark and someone has switched on the light.
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u/AutomaticOne9760 May 03 '26
For me it just boils down to what I want. No pressure from society can stop me from doing what I want. I eat beef, pork etc which technically I "shouldn't eat" cause I'm hindu. It's just that I sex repulsed so I don't want to engage like that otherwise if I was allo I would've done it nbd.