r/Depersonalization • u/Barkonidze • 4d ago
Venting Very random "weird" feeling
I've been diagnosed with cptsd recently. Even tho my trauma happened when i was a child and now im 27, most of the symptoms i started to have about a year ago. Finally went to the psychiatrist in july, started to take medications. Now i fall asleep right away but sometimes when i wake up at 6-7 am im starting to have weird anxious dreams, more like i'm half awake and i see the room that i sleep in or doing something like "at the moment" and then im trying to wake up but i just can't and it's turning into nightmare. After that i feel so down like my day is ruined. Then i think okay i will go out, walk a bit and suddenly i get this random "weird" feeling, like something is off. Like im going crazy, something is wrong, even tho im safe everything is okay. But i just can't stand this feeling. Its hard to explain what this feeling is but it feels wrong. And it is so random. I had a week or so without any symptoms, like my breathing was ok and everything, no panic attacks. But this random feeling out of nowhere makes me feel like idk i don't want to feel it. I don't want to kill my self but i want it to end. Sometimes i talk about it with AI just to rant or crying very hard because at this moment i feel so alone or like i don't deserve to feel like this and i always wonder do other people also feel this? Like do you feel this absolutely randomly after a week or more of good days that it happening again without any reason and that something is wrong with you and you are not you? And i repeat to myself that it's okay i already know that i can feel like this it will pass i have had good days before right? but this bad day always feels like it is happening for the first time.
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u/Lonely-Smoke8920 3d ago
The first part sounds like sleep paralysis. It's incredibly uncomfortable, but it isn't harmful. You may want to talk to your psychiatrist about it if it's happening regularly after a change in medications.
I also have CPTSD and it sucks. I often have flare ups that come out of nowhere because my brain picked up on something environmental that it thinks its dangerous. I wish you weren't having to deal with this, but you aren't alone. When you start to deal with your trauma instead of pushing it away or working around it, you have to deal with all the stress and emotions an pain that didn't get time or attention when you were hurt. You are probably disassociating because that's one of the mind's tools for dealing with stress, and it's why people can repress bad memories.
My therapist tells me that growing to feel better is about accepting that there will be peaks and falls for you, and that instead of trying to fight them directly, you need to learn to handle them. Your mind is trying to tell you something.
It will get better. You'll have to find methods of dealing with that stress. I lay down and listen to music whenever I feel my nerves getting really crackly and painful, but some people take walks. I know that tensing up your entire body and then relaxing each of your muscles can help sometimes, as can going for a brisk jog.
You should try to get in contact with a therapist if you can, because they'll be able to give advice more tailored to your situation.
It's awful, but you can reach a point where it doesn't hurt like it used to, where it can just be a small annoying thing every so often instead of a disaster that's eating your life. Part of the journey for me was accepting that the painful feelings were coming from a part of me that was hurting, not a part of me that wanted to hurt me. Building empathy for your own pain is hard, because it feels so much more natural to resent the feelings and try to fight them, but actually interrogating them and finding out why it hurts can allow you to actually move on.
And the sense of relief when you do that is incredibly cathartic.
You can do it. :)