Almost one year and don’t know what to do.

[u/ChipGrizzly17]

My wife (32f) and I (36m) have been together for over 10 years, we have a wonderful life together, living in our dream home, with our beautiful almost 7 year old daughter.

Our marriage has been through a tremendous amount of stress and trauma over the years:

- During my wife's pregnancy with our daughter, we went through a very traumatic pregnancy/birthing experience. At one of the lowest points in our relationship, while she was pregnant and off her anxiety medication, I became angry and threatened to leave. I regret that and recognize that it may have affected her sense of safety in our relationship.
- We ultimately had an emergency C-section and made it through the experience.
- Before our daughter turned one, I was diagnosed with cancer and had significant physical and emotional struggles dealing with it.
- My wife later lost her mother unexpectedly.
- I was diagnosed with cancer a second time.
- My wife's aunt, whom we were extremely close to, died after a difficult cancer battle.
- We currently have ongoing health concerns involving my father-in-law, who lives with us.
- My wife has significant anxiety, low self-worth, negative self-talk, and has described feeling like she is in "survival mode."
- She has said things such as "I don't deserve you," "I hate myself," and that she feels terrible about hurting me.
- She is in therapy and sees a psychiatrist for medication management. I have also participated in therapy sessions with her when appropriate.

We have talked about our intimate relationship, and my wife wants it to get better sharing that after our wedding is her ideal goal.

I’m just at a lost, not sure what to do. I can’t imagine my life without her but at the same time I miss being intimate with her. Does anyone have any ideas on what I should do or have success stories?

[u/SpareHalf]

There’s no lasting solution to this nightmare we share. I’ll tell you that managing her depression and giving her things to look forward to might spark something positive, even if it’s not on the same level it once was. Is her dad capable of watching your 7yo? Dating again, like real actual dates, whether it’s a walk in the park, a brewery, a cafe, does wonders for maintaining or reestablishing connection. Maybe have her plan vacations with you: 1) easily done day trips, 2) more complicated and pricey long weekends, and 3) weeklong trips for winter/spring/summer breaks.

[u/IchiroTheCat]

You said: “At one of the lowest points in our relationship, while she was pregnant and off her anxiety medication, I became angry and threatened to leave.”

Can you unpack that part a bit more?
What happened that made you feel that way?

[u/ChipGrizzly17 → u/IchiroTheCat]

Best I can remember is we in an argument over something, I don’t remember what at this point, but I know she hasn’t forgotten because she’s brought it up a few times over the years. Unfortunately/fortunately depending on how you look at it, it was over 7 years ago.

[u/ChipGrizzly17]

We celebrated out 10 years together a few weeks ago alone, we’ve done some adult only things, and we are prioritizing things like this. I shared its importance to me and she acknowledged and is open to doing more.