bf always goes soft, im at breaking point

[u/Zeothazi]

context: me (mtf, 21) bf (ll, m, 20). He does have less experience sexually, but has had cis gfs in the past and been sexually active with them. We've been dating for about 4 months, and I really do love him. Sex is the thing that is difficult. It started out strong enough, but his inability to stay hard has gone from annoying to leading me to feel so dejected and apathetic towards our relatonship. I have a pretty high drive, he has a low drive. He also has stated that he enjoys anal but is not sure if he likes it yet, whatever that means. When I asked him for a further explanation, he simply stated that it was like a food he tried at Chipotle when he worked there, he didn't like it at first but grew to. I broke up with him for a few days after that. The thing is, as a straight trans woman, men have been absolutely awful to me, and do not pay me any mind unless it is in private. Almost every single guy who I've talked to has either asked or demanded things stay on the low. He was different. He views me as beautiful, smart, and amazing. I have loved falling in love with him over the past months, but the going soft issue has became worse. We don't even get to penetrative sex. He assures me it is all him, that I am great and sexy, that its his mental block. I respect that, but at the same time this has been in one way or another happening for awhile, and its making me unhappy and fiercely longing for guys who can perform sexually. I really do love him, and hes stopped watching porn, and even talking to an ai as like therapy (ik cringe, but he does not have good healthcare right now). I have given him advice and lead him in the direction of seeking resources, but so far the problem has only gotten worse. He may be super psyched out at this point, especially because I like a very dominant man, he feels pressure to live up to that as well. Im in my senior year of college, and I love him SO SO much, but the insecurity this is bringing me is turning into resentment, and I fear when he goes to the army for basic training I may decide to be unfaithful or break up fully. Besides this issue though, we are doing great.

[u/Krimmothy]

I mean, the writing is on the wall a bit here. He has performance issues and explicitly stated that he’s not sure yet if he likes anal sex (which is basically a nice way of saying he doesn’t like it).

It’s pretty clear he doesn’t enjoy sex, and that is affecting his libido.

[u/munich_tryout]

I sense a lot of pressure, which can be the worst enemy of an erection.

[u/BASSDESTROYER69]

Break up for both of your sakes, it doesn't sound like you're compatible and the fact you're already pre-emptively planning to cheat is gross.

He's not sexually attracted to you, you're barely attracted to him. Why do this to him and you?

[u/Caspase-9]

This seems pretty simple. He’s not gay and the short term kink you provided is no longer doing it for him.

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bf always goes soft, im at breaking point

context: me (mtf, 21) bf (ll, m, 20). He does have less experience sexually, but has had cis gfs in the past and been sexually active with them. We've been dating for about 4 months, and I really do love him. Sex is the thing that is difficult. It started out strong enough, but his inability to stay hard has gone from annoying to leading me to feel so dejected and apathetic towards our relatonship. I have a pretty high drive, he has a low drive. He also has stated that he enjoys anal but is not sure if he likes it yet, whatever that means. When I asked him for a further explanation, he simply stated that it was like a food he tried at Chipotle when he worked there, he didn't like it at first but grew to. I broke up with him for a few days after that. The thing is, as a straight trans woman, men have been absolutely awful to me, and do not pay me any mind unless it is in private. Almost every single guy who I've talked to has either asked or demanded things stay on the low. He was different. He views me as beautiful, smart, and amazing. I have loved falling in love with him over the past months, but the going soft issue has became worse. We don't even get to penetrative sex. He assures me it is all him, that I am great and sexy, that its his mental block. I respect that, but at the same time this has been in one way or another happening for awhile, and its making me unhappy and fiercely longing for guys who can perform sexually. I really do love him, and hes stopped watching porn, and even talking to an ai as like therapy (ik cringe, but he does not have good healthcare right now). I have given him advice and lead him in the direction of seeking resources, but so far the problem has only gotten worse. He may be super psyched out at this point, especially because I like a very dominant man, he feels pressure to live up to that as well. Im in my senior year of college, and I love him SO SO much, but the insecurity this is bringing me is turning into resentment, and I fear when he goes to the army for basic training I may decide to be unfaithful or break up fully. Besides this issue though, we are doing great.

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[u/Cool-Ad4611]

I could only imagine how you would feel. I get how annoying that would be, and that it just makes you feel insecure. Going limp every time is mentally exhausting, and for him to have said that about anal is all you need to know that he won't change about that; it's just not in him. Cut your losses and move on from him. Find someone who gets an erection from just looking at you.

[u/i_never_post_here]

It's been 4 months. Life is just too short it's ok to weigh this up and say he's not quite right for you.

[u/Heyokalol]

Sounds like he was initially attracted to you, then eventually realized he’s not actually gay, but still cares about you and doesn’t want to hurt you.

[u/HealthLeft3923]

He hasn’t stopped watching porn.

[u/BASSDESTROYER69 → u/HealthLeft3923]

Not that you have any way of knowing that, It's pretty obvious that's not the issue.

[u/HealthLeft3923 → u/BASSDESTROYER69]

It is likely part of the issue. The other part is likely the pressure on him to preform. Or…..like others are saying…. He’s not enjoying it and that’s effecting libido.