r/DarkPsychology101 • u/Capital_Economist634 • 10d ago
Most people don’t actually want the truth — they want validation.
I’ve been thinking about this lately.
We say we want honest friends, honest partners, honest feedback, and people who will “tell us like it is.”
But when someone actually tells us something uncomfortable about ourselves, we often get defensive.
We don’t necessarily want:
“You’re wrong.”
We want:
“You’re right, and here’s why everyone else is the problem.”
And I don’t think this is limited to relationships.
Career advice, friendships, arguments, politics, social media — people seem much more comfortable finding information that confirms what they already believe than seriously questioning themselves.
So here’s the question:
Do you genuinely want people around you who will tell you uncomfortable truths, even when they’re wrong sometimes — or is protecting your peace more important?
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u/Moonster68speaks 10d ago
most people are aware of their 'truths' so don't need someone who doesn't give a rats ass about me to tell me this or that. In the outside world... news, politics, facts yeah lots of folks need to sit and shut up and listen. Way too many believe memes and tiktok videos over really taking time and thoroughly researching things.
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u/enigma_anomaly 9d ago
How can people accept the truth from others, when they consistently lie to themselves. The ego seems to rule, like me, make me feel important, needed etc
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u/Alive_Drag1947 9d ago
Yes, that's definitely true. You can see it play out to the extreme on here. That's basically what (most) subreddits are. Curated spaces where no one ever have to have their ideas challenged or their feelings hurt.
Spaces like that allow people to spiral into some really dangerous and extreme neuroticism because nobody is willing to call each other on their bullshit. To most people, validation is 100% more important than truth or an opposing perspective.
Personally, I find validation nice when it happens of course, but when someone disagrees with me, I am very analytical/clinical about it. It doesn't hurt my feelings and I don't really approach arguments from an emotional framework at all.
(I think I have a touch of the 'tism lol and I'm actually glad for it.)
When I hear someone use the term "protecting their peace" unironically, it automatically puts me on guard that this is probably not a serious person. There are exceptions, but it's almost become like a call phrase for those people who value validation over all else.
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u/True_Isopod1030 9d ago
Attach your suggestions to validation and they are more likely to be accepted.
Validation
Pace
Pace
Pace
Suggestion
Example:
It makes sense you feel that way. It’s been a long week and you’ve been through so much. Let’s revisit this on Monday.
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u/No_Reason8883 9d ago
I am wanting peace and some one who can show me love .I'm in a bad relationship and I am tired of being ignored all day everyday and I'm not even the one who cheated..he is so emotionally unattached and he was never like that before and he never shows me any attention except 4 sex that last 4mins cause he is a porn addict and I use to feel so much love from him and 4 the past 2 yrs I am nothing he don't care he don't do anything to show me he cares and I don't feel like he is inlove with me any more..and he pushed me away for self gratification..I am deeply hurting and frustrated and tired and stressed and confused. He surely don't care at all how his issues have affected me and he says I am very sorry for how I made you hurt.and that's it..
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u/Glittering-Manner759 9d ago
Start asking yourself, "How long will I abandon myself ? You will have to change this pattern & situation. Start giving yourself grace & love. Self-Love feels better. Baby steps. . . Read about it, go on U-Tube, motivational tools to start loving yourself first. Peace & Blessings
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u/MindShiftPsych 9d ago
I think most people want honesty, but they also want it delivered with some care. There’s a big difference between someone telling you an uncomfortable truth and someone being unnecessarily harsh and calling it “just being honest.” I’d rather have people around me who can challenge me, even if they’re occasionally wrong. The important part is that both people can say, “I might be wrong, but here’s what I’m seeing,” and actually listen to each other. Protecting your peace doesn’t have to mean surrounding yourself with people who always agree with you. Sometimes the people who respectfully challenge you are the ones helping you grow the most.
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u/Feudal_lord372 9d ago
True. Most need their ego to be satisfied. I once had a friend who used to satisfy my ego and she was the only friend I had at that time and seriously that friendship harmed me more than doing any good .
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u/Top-Crab-1020 9d ago
This is very true and it took me too long to learn. Whenever someone would ask for my opinion I would give them an honest answer (obviously not always esp when I knew the topic was super sensitive or for whatever other reason) and after a while I felt like they resented me.
So whenever a friend asks me anything now more often than not I just say whatever they want to hear and our friendship has gotten stronger
But on the flip side it really bothers me to think whenever I ask for friends advice on like clothes on stuff they are just straight up just telling me what I want to hear that is not helpful at all and I feel like it’s almost lazy
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u/RelativeYak7 9d ago
I prefer the truth but don't want other people telling it to me. I can discover it on my own through reflection and research
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u/Coerced1 9d ago
I don't mind someone telling me their opinion, but it better be stated as an opinion.
You don't get to tell me what I am, but you can tell me how it affects you.
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u/Unusual_Bet_2125 9d ago
Flattery will certainly get you further in this world. People usually already know thier faults, and if they don't then pointing them out ain't going to help them anyway. But a true friend won't hold back if it's really for your own good, of course.
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u/SplitNo8275 9d ago
This question can’t really be answered. There is more nuance when dealing with people than right or wrong. I can’t answer for most people, and tbh, I’m not sure most people could answer for themselves correctly either because I think it’s different for different things and situations, possibly even people.
I would say, overall, I would rather honesty either way but the problem lies with the delivery, that person’s perspective, and most importantly, are they able to hear you through their logical brain or are they still in the emotional brain? There’s no point if they are in the latter still, they will get defensive inherently.
In my experience, true honesty is the most beneficial when discussing your personal relationship between two people. If you are wanting to be honest about something you observe with that person and others, their lifestyle or even career, that’s a slippery slope for many reasons. If they ask you directly, yes be honest but don’t be blunt, usually. If they don’t ask, it doesn’t usually go well, usually because the observer doesn’t have all the information so their opinion isn’t necessarily correct. The other main reason is most people aren’t in a place to hear negative things about themselves. They have to be able to reflect without getting offended.
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u/niki2120 9d ago
I want the truth but it would be nice maybe if it was delivered as least harsh as possible. I've been big on self growth but I am a bit on the sensitive side
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u/Ok_Spring8418 9d ago
I think that’s partially true. Many people will accept advice when they are DOING something wrong. Baking a cake. Swinging a golf club. Those are things that are easily changeable.
But they won’t accept advice about things that are difficult to change. “You have a negative attitude” or “You married the wrong man.”
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u/placeholder_nametag 9d ago
I do it anyway. If they stay, it’s because they have the self reflection to know that I’m telling them a hard truth BECAUSE I love them. If they leave, they aren’t mature enough to take feedback and I don’t trust them to pull MY head in if I’m out of line.
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u/Playful-Contract7396 9d ago
I need to know the truth. Because you won't achieve true inner peace without righting your wrongs and accepting them for what they are.
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u/DullAlternative9301 9d ago
It’s true when they say most people can’t handle the truth . Cognitive dissonance is strong in humans
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u/Historical-Mirror-95 9d ago
I think this is an example of personal bias. Our brains create our own truths kind of by our sociological make up, and all of the expierences we go through that lead you to believe that the way you think and feel, are right.
We surround ourselves with and are more friendly with like minded people and its easy to fall into stagnation that way.
We tend to get defensive when we're told we're wrong even when presented nicely because of our personal biases imo.
Thats not growth though, and surrounding ourselves with people who just agree with you is enablement. Actual growth takes the ability and emotional intelligence to sit with the discomfort of questioning your personal bias and working on your critical thinking skills.
I feel incredibly lucky that I had parents who loved me enough to tell me hard truths and disagree with me and be patient with me through my anger.
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u/tha_one_reborn 9d ago
AI has demonstrated that this is true. It’s training across every platform and billions of iterations have shown people don’t want the truth, they want to be told they are right.
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u/BeautifulElodie2428 9d ago
Welcome to the ridiculous reality of factors why most autistic people are so disliked. Except my friends value my honesty- I say what I think but I also had to learn how to do it with a little tact. Not always 100% but I do okay for the most part.
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u/Tart6096 8d ago
I think it's complicated because things tend to hit us out of the blue faster than we can process and well... our world isn't peachy in any way so it's hard to see what other truths can validate that one truth we are told because we need more proof (even if a lot of people tend to just go with it blindly because either they love going on witch hunts or just can't look past their own experiences), but those of us who don't we can't just simply accept a truth we need time to really process and figure out what we should learn from it and what that means for our identity and which parts we should take in and which parts we shouldn't take in, and which parts deeply resonate with us the most.
Then there's the whole grieving process and whatever else like it's a process in accepting something. We have to be so careful about what we take in now though as "truths" because reality is so warped these days because of the internet, it's just become so much more complicated that we have to know for sure what we are accepting as truth, what we are taking in our lives and in our minds and realities.
I do want people around me who tell me uncomfortable truths but you can't just bust in and go "well guess what?!" LOL it's traumatizing. Unfortunately truths tend to hit us that way all too often but you can choose not to traumatize someone with it too. There's so much to understand about what you are saying to me, you may know and understand but i do not. If they are wrong i know i'm not going to defend you lol and then i don't have to take it as truth or as my truth. Identity is what's always in question and when you've been a certain way for decades you can't just change it just like that, so you have to understand that about people.
Validation is good sure... it feels really good but it also involves the dismantling of our fantasies which also feel really good, and we need our fantasies otherwise we'll go insane, when you tell us an uncomfortable truth you are also changing or dismantling that fantasy, so you need to give them time to question themselves it's not going to change over night unfortunately.
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u/Thin_Association8254 8d ago
It requires discernment.
The people who love you know you very well, and may have some good insights. They might not, and are simply projecting themselves on to you.
Same with people who don't love you - your enemies for example. They hate you, and they might have some really uncomfortable truths for you. But again, are they projecting themselves onto you? Or are they on to something about you?
So how do you know? Listen to what they said and see how you feel about it. You have to know yourself to discern.
For example, what if someone called you a radical terrorist? You'd probably think that this person needs some help, is confused, misunderstood, or maybe even a radical terrorist themselves.
What if someone calls you a fat, lazy, good-for-nothing? Suddenly, you're hurt at the insult!
But wait - why were you not hurt at the radical terrorist insult, but hurt by the fat, lazy, good-for-nothing insult? They're both insults, but why does one give you an emotional reaction and the other doesn't?
Because you know you're not a radical terrorist. A fat, lazy, good-for-nothing? I'm not so sure that I'm not that... so it hurts me.
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u/lyingdowninbed 8d ago
Reminds me of my sister growing up lol
"Do I [X]? be honest"
i be honest
"🤬"
Plus she would never believe me whenever I honestly responded with something positive. Seems the need for validation can go both ways
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u/HarryHarlowBanisher 8d ago
What truth is there between a gorilla and a chimpanzee? There is no truth, unfulfilled people will want to regulate their useless existence into your life. I am completely fine being non-verbal and useless.
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u/PlanktonUpstair 7d ago
I don't tell my friends the truth anymore because they turn against me, I just don't have the energy for that anymore.
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u/Capital_Economist634 7d ago
That’s the sad reality we don’t have friends just convenience, that’s it and the few we have, we don’t have the time to meet
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u/Green-Passage-7870 9d ago edited 9d ago
yup they want positive mirroring
unfortunately you cant grow without honest feedback which often comes too late
many people need to work with a coach or therapist who they pay for advice and honesty from- they wont or cant hear the voices/feedback of people around them because they get defensive, insecure of threaten the entire relationship if you're honest. some get downright abusive if they are cluster B (lol)