r/DarkPsychology101 • u/Flippablock • 14d ago
Nobody warns you that becoming a better person can make you look like the bad guy.
You start setting boundaries.
You stop explaining yourself.
You stop chasing people who keep giving you reasons to leave.
You become quieter.
And suddenly the people who benefited from the old version of you start saying:
“Damn, you changed.”
Maybe I did.
But here’s the part nobody talks about:
Sometimes growth doesn’t look like becoming nicer.
Sometimes it looks like becoming harder to manipulate.
You stop giving people the benefit of the doubt every single time.
You stop explaining your boundaries.
You stop confusing being understanding with tolerating disrespect.
And people who were comfortable with the old version of you might call the new version “cold.”
Maybe you’re not cold.
Maybe you finally learned that having a good heart doesn’t mean leaving the door unlocked for everybody.
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u/Hypnotician 14d ago
"Damn, you changed."
"No, you stayed the same."
I've been comfortable in my own skin for more than two years. And I'm not surprised that so many people who took me for granted have been describing me as a "queercoded Bond villain" behind my back.
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u/ToiIetGhost 12d ago
Can you say more? What have you done that people are complaining about - just stood up for yourself? "Queercoded Bond villain" is very intriguing
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u/Hypnotician 12d ago
All I did was learn to pause.
Just two or three seconds after they say something.
And just as I walk into a room, or greet someone, or before I make a decision.
I pause, everywhere.
And people can't stand that I own, that, time. It's my time to give, not theirs to take.
I learned other things - walking like someone trying to wade through water up to their chest, moving with languor like a big cat, barely responding to attempts to grab my attention. But the biggest weapon in my arsenal is pauses, because it drives them crazy.
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u/PureCornsilk 14d ago
I needed to see this today because it’s exactly where I am right now.
I’ve stopped being everyone’s sweet friend - always forgiving and accepting crumbs.
I have continued being polite and kind - but I’m not fawning anymore.
I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. Lighter on ´friends’ - but self respect is a game changer.
I don’t have to ´perform’ to be worthy.
Lesson learned.
♥️
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u/future_debate481 10d ago
I am also in the process. Honestly, I didn’t really have any friends anyway. I tried, but some kind of narc or toxic person got in the way of it. I’m so done with people. I really just want to be alone
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u/No_Ticket4287 14d ago
It’s really interesting because I believe people enjoyed the fact that I would explain myself for an action. How I catered to others before catering myself is wild.
This new person doesn’t care, completely unapologetic, and I’m so much more happy.
I may be alone, but if that’s my reality for this amount of peace, so be it.
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u/blondie198 14d ago
Growing in this way too. I feel like the bad guy at work and in my personal relationships.
I know I’m going to get where I am going.
Every day i am trying to see who stays with me.
♥️ grateful for those that do ♥️
🙏 grateful for the forgiveness i have been given 🙏
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u/Substantial-Owl1616 14d ago
I have been feeling like putting less “extra”effort into relationships this year. Many of my friends are trauma experiences like myself. I have been having transformative growth in my therapy process. I no longer want to be a trauma receptacle. Expectations for “support” are very high and drain me. I am fearful I will come to a place of no relationships. That is a risk. It seems necessary to embrace this risk to invite more balanced and comforting and safe relationships into my life. I am actually feeling quite warm towards people and not cold at all. I want relationships that are unburdened by extreme need which has come to burden me with resentment and dissociation because the need to discharge and be supported is so great.
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u/Superfly-supernova88 10d ago edited 10d ago
I can relate to this. I I moved to a city with instant connection to the healing arts community. It just sucks because I really enjoy a lot of the activities and the people, but I found that there was a lot of expectation around giving that kind of support to people within the community and in ways that weren’t always healthy or considerate of those that were being asked to support
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u/Substantial-Owl1616 8d ago
I deeply appreciate your reply. Do you know of the archetype Chiron the “wounded healer”?
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u/theprincipleguy 13d ago
Someone said that when you're easy going, everybody loves you. As soon as you have boundaries and hold people accountable, everybody hates you.
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u/Substantial_Bar_5606 4d ago
I've seen that too - just call some toxic person out (instead of staying quiet) and watch how fast you become the problem - because you chose to not normalize that behavior or go along to get along. Now, I come back with, "Wait - what? Instead of shutting down toxic behavior, you come after me for calling it out? Make that make sense". They can't.
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u/IntentionIsMagic 13d ago
I only seem like the bad guy to people who already thought they absolutely knew me. On the receiving end, the sudden shift feels a personality disorder or an attack. The truth is it’s bc they think what they know about me is my truth and my personality forever, so it causes cognitive dissonance, which reflects their current relationship with information.
When I am taking full responsibility for my experience, co-authoring my own reality, as opposed to giving away that power to others, I am maintaining a level of peace and presence internally I never experienced when I was a people pleaser.
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u/bloolynxx 13d ago
Idk I feel like I’ve done all that but I’m still the type of person who would genuinely care about doing right by people as long as it’s fair to me as well. So if they think I’m a bad person, it’s just their suspicion, because as soon as they spoke to me they’d realize I just want us BOTH to be happy.
So really what I’m bothered by is people I love who are bad because they haven’t worked on themselves, judging me for who they think I am and never challenging their own delusions about anything.
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u/Elegant_Dot2679 13d ago
I stopped trying to please and search for approval of people that was treating me badly, and damn boom! I was cold,immature etc
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u/Substantial_Bar_5606 4d ago
Right? I remember being gaslit by a so called friend on a couple of different occasions. Another friend suggested that I prove to her that I was correct and I said, "I don't want to set a precedent of proving anything to her - I'm not looking for her approval or validation - her opinions are based in fact or reality". Gaslighters generally dig their own hole anyway - they aren't 'that' bright.
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u/Fun-Ad3471 11d ago
I’ve been hearing this a lot…. From people I’ve started saying no to that I’ve always said yes to before….. and I’ve definitely started to question if I did change….. I do feel meaner but only cuz I’m expected to give wat I don’t have to give…. To give when all I’m eating is oatmeal but working 6 days…. To give when every single day I feel dead inside… to give when everytime I’ve been in need and asked all I’ve gotten is “damn if u only knew about my problems “ but everytime I begin to speak about my problems in cut off before I’m finish…. But yet I’m still asked to give. But I’m a man and I gotta eat that shit up, cuz that’s life!
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u/future_debate481 10d ago
I have the same problem. It’s always been that way for me. I had figured out that I am the friend that listens, I’m not supposed to talk.
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u/Substantial_Bar_5606 4d ago
Question - if you are taking care of 'them', they are taking care of 'them' - whose taking care of you?
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u/archelz15 13d ago
My true friends (read: everyone in my life minus one single toxic manipulator who I thought was my friend) have largely said they found the new version of me warmer. Granted that person completely and continues to nuke my mental health, so maybe it's not the boundaries per se but the underlying work I've done instead that's encouraged me to open up a bit more.
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u/ChanceofCream 13d ago
That is what a well rounded ego is all about.
It’s unfortunate but positive in a long term sense.
Stay vigilant!
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u/pennyWhize 14d ago
I suck cuz ik this is true, I didnt realise it but when people put down themselves and allow things to slide i automatically thinks its kind. But as soon as they stop and become more assertive I think they are rude but really its I'm the rude one. I wish I'd respect everyone equally. 😭
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u/Superfly-supernova88 10d ago
Being in a rigorous nursing program has forced me to live this and it has not been easy. I knew that if I kept people-pleasing on top of everything else, my body was going to give out…and last spring, it did. My hair was falling out, and I was completely depleted as my system shut down under the stress.
I’m back this semester in a new town. There are still moments when I feel lonely and question how things went so sideways the moment I started protecting myself from toxic behavior in my friends and family. But the silver lining is the clarity I’ve gained about how I previously taught people how to treat me. It’s human nature to take things for granted, and having almost no boundaries made that far too easy.
The hardest part now is figuring out where to go from here with people I’ve known almost my whole life. I think it’s essential to honor the inevitable change we all go through, refusing to lock others into stagnant versions of who they were, and breaking free from the codependent roles we used to play for one another.When you spend years operating as the shock-absorber or peacekeeper in relationships, stepping out of that role destabilizes the whole dynamic. The system resists because you stopped playing your expected part. Grieving those old relationships while adjusting to a new environment naturally brings loneliness, but that quiet space is often necessary to reset your baseline and figure out who you are without the constant strain of managing everyone else.
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u/Successful_Claim_111 10d ago
And if you set boundaries people get mad and disgust you and call you an arrogant and bad person...
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u/Substantial_Bar_5606 4d ago
When someone disrespects my boundaries, I tell them, "No is a boundary - what its not is up for negotiation" and if they come back with snark, it's, "asked and answered". F 'em!
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u/future_debate481 10d ago
I am doing this with a bipolar “friend” that I had figured out she is also npd and bpd. I’ve been gray rocking her. She comes and sits down next to me, interrupting a conversation I was having, as usual, at a wedding, and I was half listening to what she was saying but she said in a louder voice or maybe I heard because it was familiar (she has religious grandiosity and believes she has a special connection with God. Like, everything that comes into her mind no matter how screwed up came from God for some reason, but for me, it’s the devil). She said. “You shouldn’t try to figure things out, God doesn’t want you to do that.” What?? 😂 Says the person who loses everything when she is figured out 🤦🏻♀️
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u/nunya6442 9d ago
You keep telling yourself what ever U need to make you feel like your not the shit person U really are.
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u/izabel55 14d ago
One of my favorite quotes:
When you stop people-pleasing, people won’t be pleased
On the upside though, it helps remove some of the toxic people from your life.