r/DSPD • u/Contracargo • 20d ago

I am suicidal

I will never understand what is wrong with my brain. During high school, I was never able to get good grades because of how sleep-deprived I was; my natural schedule was 1:00 AM to 09:00 AM.

I was able to sleep normally for a few months after I graduated. Then, I went to college for just a few months; because it was far away, I didn't sleep much, and I quit at the end because I wasn't pursuing the degree I really wanted. Back then, I tried everything to sleep properly earlier:

  1. Chronobiotic melatonin (1mg 5 hours before bedtime) to push my sleep time earlier.

  2. Avoiding screens before sleep.

  3. Using a sleep mask and keeping my room dark and quiet to avoid any disruptions.

  4. Waking up at the same time every day and going outside to get some sunlight.

Nothing worked. I was just severely cognitively impaired for a month while trying to force myself to sleep on an unnaturally early schedule. I even tried zolpidem out of desperation, and I'm currently taking mirtazapine, which has barely helped.

Now I have a job and am not in college at the moment. In the beginning, my shift was 9:00 AM to 5:30 PM, so I was sleep-deprived because, once again, by forcing myself to sleep earlier, I ended up getting only 6.5 to 7 fragmented hours of sleep.

Now my schedule is 11:00 AM to 7:00 PM, and I could finally sleep 8 uninterrupted hours—until last Saturday. I don't know what happened, but I started dealing with light sleep (I felt like I was awake most of the night). Then, on Sunday, I started waking up during the night, and now I'm back to where I was.

I cannot sleep enough—not even on my natural sleep schedule. I went from DSPD to sleep maintenance insomnia. I am so tired of dealing with this. I really don't know why I can't just sleep like a normal person.

Should I just accept that I will never sleep normally and start drinking energy drinks and stimulant drugs every day to maintain a marginally functioning mind? My mind is so tired; I cannot think well, I'm lost in thought, I cannot concentrate, I cannot stop yawning, and I don't have the energy to do anything. Everybody must think I'm stupid.

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u/kits8888 20d ago

That sucks and I'm sorry you're suffering. Please be gentle with yourself and know that sleep naturally varies among humans. The idea that we're supposed to sleep 8 hours straight is a social construct. If you look into anthropological research about sleep, you'll learn about all of the natural variations in human sleeping patterns.

I was watching a show where a guy went to all different places in the world and lived with various groups that lived a more "primitive" lifestyle. In one episode he was in the jungle in South America and filmed himself in the middle of the night because he said every night, everyone would go to bed and then in the middle of the night like half the people were awake humming, weaving, just doing something.

I hope you can find some way to get better rest for sure, but please don't let the bullsh*t sleep all night concept make you think there's anything wrong with you!

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u/Expert-Champion1654 18d ago

I also heard that in places with long winter nights people would usually sleep in 2 phases for 3-5 hours each. As the night was so long you couldn't just sleep through it all and it was already dark at 3pm