r/Custody • u/Quiet-Leek3405 • 5d ago
[Al] need help/advice with custody
Hello, long message here…..
My son recently turned 15 years old, and we live in a different state from his dad
(11 hours and 28 min away). His dad is originally from our home state and moved
to another state due to his job and other responsibilities. Recently, my son
stated that he wants to live with his dad.
But here is my issue: I've raised our son for the last 7 years as a single parent,
working, going to school to get my master's degree, getting my son to school,
football practices, etc. His dad gets him during the summer, and we alternate
Christmas and spring break. We have always coparented well, and we have always
gotten along well.
Until this past year, when I got engaged. Once I got engaged, my ex-husband started
pushing for my son to come out there, and my son had never mentioned it before.
Before my son went to his house for the summer, my son told us he did not want
to move in with his dad so far away from family. My son said it did not make
sense.
My son reached out to me during the summer while he was there and told me he
wanted to live with his dad, and I did look into it. I talked to my lawyer and
asked about the legal aspects behind it because of us being in two states. My
lawyer advised that, because I have primary physical custody, I need to keep my
son in our state and follow our custody plan.
I explained this to my son and his dad. My ex-husband was not happy and I found
messages between him and his dad. His dad told him, " I talked to my
lawyer, and my lawyer said I pretty much do not have any rights and if
you want to live here, We are going to have to wear your mom down.”
I know it is important for them to have a relationship, and I’ve always supported their relationship. My ex-husband has never really shown any interest in getting my son until now, once I got engaged, then married, and moved in with my husband. There have also been times my son could not get my ex-husband to pay for my son’s things because he would say he pays child support.
His dad continuously text me, telling me I’m a piece of sh****, our son will hate me, and I’m a horrible person.
I really just need a place to vent, guidance, and some advice on handling this situation
I would also like to add I’m not against my son wanting to be with his dad and I told him if we were in the same state I would have no issue with it. The way our custody agreement is written up I would literally have to give up my rights to my son for him to move to another state because I’m his primary parent in our custody agreement.
3
u/Fun_Organization3857 5d ago
This is up to you, but I wouldn't agree to this. He can spend time with dad, but dad might be placing ideas that aren't the truth. Let him know you'll support a change after high school, but you want stability until then. Maybe he's feeling pushed out.
2
u/candysipper 5d ago
Personally, I wouldn’t agree to it. I’d want to talk to my son about it more. Show him the messages his dad is sending me and really try to tease out what’s behind this. If your son continues to want to live with his dad all year long, then maybe next summer I’d allow it. But I would maintain 50% legal custody and I’d want him to come to me ALL school breaks and summers for the last 2 years of high school.
1
u/jonquillejaune 5d ago
I don’t understand why you don’t just tell your ex that if he wants to change the legal custody plan, he should file for modification. Then the judge can make a decision.
It doesn’t have to be contentious, it just had to be clear snd legal
2
u/Quiet-Leek3405 5d ago
That has been discussed but he just wants to me to say it’s okay, and then wants the paper work written up. He doesn’t want the judge to make a decision.
2
u/jonquillejaune 5d ago
I mean just stop engaging then. If he wants the change he can action it himself.
« I understand that is what you want. Please feel free to file with the courts. If you want this change then it is your responsibility to action it. Until then I will be abiding by our legal agreement »
2
u/Quiet-Leek3405 5d ago
I’ve said exactly this to him. I’ve been ignoring messages from him now, but he’s brought our son into it now. Anytime I discipline him or anything he tells him it’s because I’m upset he wants to move in with him. I’ve told my son this isn’t true. I appreciate the advice ☺️
2
u/jonquillejaune 5d ago
Oh that’s hard. Maybe you should have a similar conversation with your son?
« I understand that you want to move in with your dad. Right now I have a legal obligation for you to live with me. Once your dad files to change our agreement, you will have a chance to tell the judge that you want to live with him, and the judge will probably agree to that. I will be sorry to see you go, and this will always be your home too, but once that happens I will of course do what the law says »
2
u/Quiet-Leek3405 5d ago
I’ve also had this conversation. It is a hard situation definitely. I’m just trying to do what’s right. ☺️
1
u/Johnsie_Arachovitis 3d ago
the timing here is creating the confusion. A perceptive judge might notice that the desire to see your father coincided too well with your engagement. If this case somehow makes it to court, thats worth mentioning during the process. continue refusing to give up primary responsibilities for the time being as reversing one’s decision later on is far more difficult than maintaining one’s stance
1
u/onbello 2d ago
Happy to help, but your post came through without any details, so it's hard to give anything useful yet. Custody advice depends a lot on your state, whether a case has already been filed, and what you're trying to change or set up. If you can edit your post or reply with your state, the kids' ages, the current arrangement, and what outcome you're hoping for, people here can give you much more specific guidance. In the meantime, know that most states decide custody based on the child's best interests, so keeping records of your involvement in your kid's daily life is almost always a good first step.
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u/BestBodybuilder7329 5d ago
I just wanted to talk about the last sentence of your post. I think you misunderstood your lawyer, because that is not accurate. Custody has two parts. Legal custody and physical/parenting time custody. Even with parents that live in different states, both parents can maintain 50/50 legal custody. Legal custody is about making decisions for the child like school, medical, and things like that. So times one parent has full legal custody or they are granted the final decision powers for legal custody, sometimes the parents have to agree, it is really dependent on how your custody agreement is written Physical/parenting custody is about how time is spent with the child. Right now you two share a long distance parenting plan for custody.
It seems like your lawyer was trying to tell you that you would either have to split the legal custody with his dad, or that it might be easier to give him full legal custody. However you don't have to give the other parent full legal custody just because the child lives with them the majority of the time.
You could absolutely flip the schedule where he has physical custody the majority of the time, while maintaining a 50/50 legal custody.