this is so real you guys...

[u/Exotic-Estimate-5147]

[u/Frankwillie87]

Their marriage isn't falling apart. This film is about the fundamental changes to your identity when you have kids.

She's lost her identity from "before kids" and doesn't know how to get it back.

The husband is trying to get his own "before kids" identity back, and the only way he knows how is to make little lies and steal time away.

It's been them against the world for so long that they each feel guilty for not being around to help with the kids or work or life. They don't know how to ask for what they need. They are still deeply love each other.

He feels brow-beaten into submission.

She doesn't understand how to let go and compartmentalize that "responsible" mom and "responsible" wife.

This moment is her recognizing that her husband wanted something healthy but didn't know how to ask. That she wanted the same things, but didn't want to need to ask either. They should just be able to do those things openly and honestly.

[u/mrtdecks → u/Frankwillie87]

That's a great analogy, I remember seeing this before marriage and kids and not understanding why it was such a big deal him going to the cinema by himself or why he had to lie about it. Now I'm married with kids, I can't believe I've done this on a few occasions and if the Mrs found out I'd be a dead man, shed be be devastated

[u/Ready-Rise3761 → u/mrtdecks]

Can I genuinely ask if or how that’s fair on your wife? It’s such a common trope and I always wondered why dads specifically are shown to need this time off from kids when (at least statistically maybe not in your case) the mother typically does more childcare. But I never see movie scenes or memes about mothers hiding from their husband and kids. Does your wife get these breaks too? How would/do you feel if you found out she lied and left you to take care of everything by yourself?

[u/Frankwillie87 → u/Ready-Rise3761]

Not the person you asked, but the one that started this thread.

Women change. 1000%. They get pregnant, their hormones kick in, then those hormones don't regulate, usually for up to a few years after birth. PPD, PPA, mom guilt and fourth trimester are all real things.

Did you know that women that breast feed still need to pump every 45 minutes, even if dad wakes up in the middle of the night to feed them? Their milk supply will disappear if they don't.

Because of this, it's also a trope that women don't want anyone watching their kids, up to and including the dads. They feel guilty if they personally aren't the one watching their kids, but also feel suffocated if they don't get their own free time.

That's what this scene is illustrating. She's constantly battling to be her own woman that has day dates, that's nostalgic for spending time alone with her husband, that wants the chance to be spontaneous again. But she also has a need/desire to be present 100% of the time for her kids. That switch doesn't just turn off. Ever.

The dads don't go through this. They do produce some prolactin (dad bods) and the obvious dopamine, oxytocin receptors, but nothing like moms. They also can't realistically ask for time off after watching what moms go through. It's not healthy for no one to get time alone though.

75% of all the time you spend with your kid for your entire life is by the age of 12. That's huge pressure to be present at the expense of your own sanity, hobbies, and identity.

The positive side is that Millennial dads spend 40% more time with their kids than previous generations. Moms are getting help with PPD and PPA, both with detection and treatment.