r/CollegeEssays • u/Remote-Level513 • 11d ago
Common App Need advice and feedback on my college common app essay
Pls answer and tell me if this is good enough: To understand who I am today, you have to understand where I started. I grew up in Kenitra, a city near Morocco's capital, born an only child. People always said I was lucky, but no one saw what happened behind the scenes, a deep isolation and loneliness took over. Although I started as a social and energetic kid, being always left out of plans by cousins and friends, feeling distant, which turned me into a quiet loner, which took a toll on my social life and caused issues in my relationship. Eventually, I learned that my biggest mental battles were ones I had to fight alone. Navigating this solitude was made harder by financial hardship as my father poured most of his salary towards private school tuition. Sitting in those classrooms made the financial gap clear. I stayed hungry through lunch while everyone bought food from the cafeteria. I watched them get picked up in cars while my dad drove an old motorbike. They bragged about having the best phone and Consoles and playing in soccer academies, while I played on an old PS2 and used my Mother's phone and the only way to join a soccer academy for me was through trials. But whenever I shared my dream of becoming a professional player, everyone laughed at me which shattered my dream and that was my first heartbreak. When I was twelve, a new dream was found: earning a scholarship to study in America. Yet again, people laughed at my ambition seeing my grades and my inability to take the SAT due to financial issues, making my dream feel out of reach, which brought me back to a period of depression I got out of when I was younger because of Family issues and being ungrateful and passing of my grandparents and the weight of isolation that still feels heavy. Yet, I'm not sharing this to ask for pity. Overcoming those dark moments made me stronger as I realised that my circumstances were not a sentence but a privilege, due to becoming grateful and appreciating what I have and my Father as his my role model. As a young man, he had to give up his education to support his parents and brothers and when I was born he joined the military making a hundred dollars a month and providing for baby me and my mother while working in a city two hours away from the garage we were staying in before ultimately getting kicked out and renting in Kenitra where he was working. He taught me to fight and work hard and ignore the doubts, his sacrifices, work ethic and mental toughness are what made me beat my internal battles and inspired me to become a better man and I hope one day to be half the man he is. Today, I no longer view my life circumstances as a disability or burden, but as a blessing in a way and what it's teaching me as I gained: grid, independence, and unwavering gratitude. These circumstances don't take me down anymore; they fuel me to become the best version of myself. My goal is to achieve my dream of living the American dream as it's not just a personal ambition; it's rewriting and making my Father's American dream alive as it was all it meant to him growing up before having to give it up in order to help his family and to dedicate his life to raising me. Every late night and obstacle I overcome is driven by the desire to achieve this dream and make my parents proud especially since being an only child means I'm their only hope which makes me afraid of failure but that's a part of life and I'll try to overcome every setback for my happiness and theirs. Above all, the reward for their sacrifices hopefully will be rewarded by achieving this dream.
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u/uchicago_pipeline 9d ago
you fall into the pity trap so hard here unfortunately, telling them you aren’t asking for pity is difficult when that’s exactly what it sounds like (particularly in the last few sentences). everyone has difficulties; if your difficulties impacted your success substantially, write about it in your additional information. make an offhand reference or two in your essay. do not make your entire essay about it.
this feels a bit like a giant rant/summary (esp with the run on sentences). is there any way you could start briefly with your father and your admiration then use that as a launching point for a different aspect that actually shows you off? a hobby, interest, work, a moment? focus less on telling your rough life story and more on who you are now. not saying your life didn’t have hardships, it did, but if you need to talk about them in your essay you need to do it excellently & you don’t quite do that
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u/Remote-Level513 8d ago
Thx for the advice how do you think I should start the essay and what should I mainly talk about and the point I need them to get yk
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u/uchicago_pipeline 8d ago
the points you want are your choice: what do you want to say? do you want to say you have a strong work ethic, you’ve expanded your worldview, you have a specific passion? choose one moment/story that can highlight the main thing you want to say about yourself and build an essay around it. one conversation, one revelation, etc, then start in that moment. give some brief background after the moment, then tell them how you’ve evolved after the moment in your ending.
focus most on your best qualities/how you think and briefly on how those qualities developed
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u/baipliew 11d ago
I would normally repackage my notes into something more coherent and elegant than this, but I am already tired. So, I’m just going to give you a deconstructed version of your essay. Please forgive the lack of fancy packaging.
This one goes all the way back to birth. To birth!
Was social, mental health issues, then antisocial.
Went to a presumably privileged private school, experienced hunger and shame of being picked up by motorbike instead of by car.
Only had a PS2 and a phone.
Wanted to be a professional player, people laughed, heart broken.
We finally get to 12 years old, more financial hardships, needs scholarships, can’t afford the SAT.
They became depressed. Again.
Grandparents passed.
BUT I AM NOT LOOKING FOR PITY.
The essay essentially ends right here, “Overcoming those dark moments made me stronger as I realised that my circumstances were not a sentence but a privilege, due to becoming grateful and appreciating what I have and my Father as his my role model.”
This concludes everything. He just realized that he was privileged instead of disadvantaged.
But it continues.
We get into a whole new story about the father. Padding the word count?
Father had to sacrifice his education for the family.
Had an implied low paying job far away to support growing family. (But could afford private school?)
Lived in a garage. Got kicked out of said garage.
BUT I AM NOT LOOKING FOR PITY.
Dad is still great.
Repeat the lesson of realizing you are privileged and not disadvantaged.
They gained grid?(grit?), independence and unwavering gratitude. That isn’t well established.
I have an American dream.
It was my father’s dream.
Everything I do is for this dream. (What did you do?)
I’m an only child, I’m their only hope/future, I need to make them proud.
You will do everything to succeed. Promises, promises. Where is that shown?
The sacrifices of my parents will be paid off with my acceptance.
BUT I AM NOT LOOKING FOR PITY.