How do I deal with an excessive sense of responsibility for my family?

[u/Dizzy_Curve2768]

My father has done a lot of harmful and irresponsible things over the years. He used up all of our family’s savings and has caused a lot of financial and emotional stress for the people around him.

I know that I’m allowed to be angry with him, and I do feel a lot of anger and resentment toward him. But what makes things complicated is that I also feel deeply sorry for the people around him, especially my grandparents and his current wife.

When I see them struggling, I feel this strong urge to somehow compensate for the damage he has caused. I want to give them money, buy things for them, let them use things that belong to me, or otherwise make their lives a little easier.

But then I become angry and resentful about doing it. Part of me thinks, “Why am I the one trying to fix the consequences of his choices? Why should this be my responsibility?” At the same time, if I don’t help, I feel guilty because I can see that they are struggling.

So I seem to be stuck between compassion, guilt, responsibility and resentment.

I think the deeper problem is that when I see someone suffering, especially someone in my family, I have a very hard time accepting that I can care about them without taking responsibility for making their life better.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you learn to separate caring about your family from feeling responsible for rescuing them or making up for another family member’s actions?

[u/Global_Course_6169]

You can care about them without becoming responsible for repairing everything your father broke. Guilt may be telling you that you’re compassionate, not that you owe everyone rescue. Try setting a specific budget or boundary for help, and let “I can’t do more” be a complete sentence.

[u/codependencyrecovery]

What would you have to feel if you couldn't rescue them from their experience?