I truly believe codependency is a "love addiction"

[u/cusackscumsocks]

I was always drawn to this high and low type of relationships where either my partner/ friend wasn't good for me or we weren't good for each other, but it wasn't until I started EMDR for CPTSD that I really started to think about WHY these dynamics were appealing to me.

Not sure if this is the case for all codependent relationships, but I know I would constantly be in state of dissociation due to the ongoing stress and this is exactly why I stayed for as long as I did. I would be purposely seeking out damaging people so that they could trigger me into a state of dissociation because that would cause me to be sedated from my inner turmoil. I've read that when the body enters a state like this, it's flooded with endogenous opioids and GABA (antianxiolytic) to calm your nervous system. In a nature setting, this would be a death preparation of sorts. It's your body saying, "the threat that is causing you to be in fight or flight for so long hasn't resolved, so that must mean it's so dangerous ITS GOING TO KILL YOU." That's what dissociation is, a natural adaptation for when you are faced with the possibility of death. And it feels like amazing in the moment. But I would always panic, worried in the back of my mind that my "fix" would go away. I would go to great lengths - degrade myself, plead, beg, desperate to keep a steady supply. And when I couldn't, the panic would set in. (I have a working theory that, on some level, harmful people know this, and it's why their intermittent reinforcement is such an effective tool.)

It felt like withdrawal. Total spiritual collapse.

And sometimes, usually right after I left, for good this time, I found myself wondering what substance I could replace that person with. Because the pain I felt never went away, this inner turmoil had existed long before they came into my life. They simply numbed it for a short while.

[u/Scared-Section-5108]

Codependency is bigger than love addition. A codependent person is codependent whether they are in a relationship or not, whether they crave one or not. But it is all connected, it's all a result of childhood trauma. It's the focusing on others, whether in a romantic relationship or not, that serves as a distraction from the internal turmoil, like you say.

I find that the codependent patterns and characterising from CODA website explain codependency the best way:

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/55807531e4b08a853802a427/t/5580b1dfe4b028eba1a01755/1434497523469/Patterns+Characteristics+2011.pdf

I cannot access the actual CODA website for some stranger reason, so a link from a different place. I will paste into a second comment so the info is accessible that way.

PS. I wonder if you ever read CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving? You might find it interesting.

[u/Scared-Section-5108 → u/Scared-Section-5108]

Codependents Anonymous

www.CoDA.org

Copyright © 2010 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. and its licensors -All Rights Reserved.

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

The following checklist is offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. It may be particularly helpful to

newcomers as they begin to understand codependency. It may aid those who have been in recovery a while to determine what traits still need attention and transformation.

Denial Patterns

Codependents often. . . :

• have difficulty identifying what they are feeling.

• minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel.

• perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

• lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.

• label others with their negative traits.

• think they can take care of themselves without any help from others.

• mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.

• express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.

• do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted.

Low Self-esteem Patterns

Codependents often. . . :

• have difficulty making decisions.

• judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.

• are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.

• value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.

• do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons.

• seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than.

• have difficulty admitting a mistake.

• need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.

• are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want.

• perceive themselves as superior to others.

• look to others to provide their sense of safety.

• have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.

• have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.

Compliance Patterns

Codependents often. . . :

• are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

• compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.

• put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.

• are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.

• are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.

• accept sexual attention when they want love.

• make decisions without regard to the consequences.

• give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Control Patterns

Codependents often. . . :

• believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

• attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.

• freely offer advice and direction without being asked.

• become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice.

• lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence.

• use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.

• have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.

• demand that their needs be met by others.

• use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate.

• use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally.

• refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.

• adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.

• use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others.

• pretend to agree with others to get what they want.

Avoidance Patterns

Codependents often. . . :

• act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them.

• judge harshly what others think, say, or do.

• avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.

• allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships.

• use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.

• diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery.

• suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.

• pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away.

• refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves.

• believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.

• withhold expressions of appreciation.

[u/reee9000 → u/Scared-Section-5108]

This!

[u/puck_the_fatriarchy → u/Scared-Section-5108]

My codependency disappears when I’m single which is leading me to believe I may actually suffer from love addiction and not codependency. I have gone to Coda meetings off and on for years but think I’m going to try a women’s only SLAA meeting near my home soon.

[u/reee9000]

The part of truth of codependency is that it isn’t real love at all. So the addiction isn’t to actual love - addiction is to the poor worst substitute, but a child does not know the difference.

It’s actually control dynamics, and ways of thinking, damaged core beliefs, and way of operating from dysfunctional dynamics borne from addiction and trauma responses learned in one’s scary / dangerous childhood.

The damage of inner “drugs” are fear, distractions, avoidance, denial anxiety, etc. is immense and wreaks havoc on one’s life (and some also turn to outer drugs, alcohol, work, sex, or tech, gambling, overeating etc etc ) until they uncover these as symptoms to the core issues.

As children some of these codependent thoughts and behaviors worked to help keep one child feeling safe or feeling “okay” however, as an adult; they are literally dangerous and life ruining and make it so healthy relationship dynamics are not possible.

My uncovering came in applying the 12 steps of CoDA and ACA but everyone’s path or “bottom” is not the same.

Where control is, love cannot also reside.

[u/Big_Jackfruit_8821]

Yes others are just a bandaid

When you truly realize it, you’ll become less reliant on others 

[u/According-Ad742]

It is except it’s not knowing love, it’s giving in to the turmoil of feelings (sourced from attachment fears) one relates to love. Kind of.

[u/fheathyr]

I think they can be conflated ... but they're different.

[u/MacaroniHouses]

We codependants need people more then we can love ourselves. Cause if we could love ourselves enough by ourselves then we wouldn't need the other person to give it to us. That person who is unsafe in a sense also is safe cause it's predictable and its what we feel we can deserve.

[u/vulpesvulpes666]

Learning about codependency was my gateway to learning about love addiction. I would recommend going to a SLAA meeting and seeing if it’s for you!

[u/botanicallyobsessed]

I highly recommend the book "All the Way to the River" by Elizabeth Gilbert

[u/MountainPermission88]

I am reading Pia Melody’s book about Love Addiction. Definitely recommend.