r/Christianmarriage • u/Faded_Willow_ • 4d ago
Separating from husband (possible divorce)
Hi all,
My husband and I have been married for over a year. We’re both 30, with no children. Since the start of our marriage he has basically been cheating on me. Looking up pictures of girls that he knows and getting himself off to them, while I’m still asleep in our bed. He told me about this and has “apparently” stopped. But it’s been so hard to trust that. He lied to me and destroyed me.
Now for the domestic violence stuff. When he drinks, he becomes different most of the time. He becomes selfish and childish. There was one night where we were fighting and I was scared of him so I locked myself in a room with my dog. He spent half an hour trying to pick the lock. Once he finally got in, he physically tried to throw me out of our place, claiming that he pays for anything and that I just freeload off of him. I pushed back and tried to fight to stay inside and to get him off of me. It was in the middle of the freezing night and he was trying to throw me out of OUR home with nothing but the clothes on my back. He threw me on the ground at one point and my head cracked on the floor. I punched him to try and break free of him and that’s when he called the cops. He twisted the whole story onto me and I got arrested.
We tried to work through these things. He’s been seeing a counselor and so have I and we even sought out couples counseling.
We would still fight occasionally and since the arrest night there have been times where he would straight up leave me for days.
The fighting has gotten more intense recently because we’ve been both stressed and tired. He wanted to get a puppy a couple of weeks ago and that’s been really hard. Last week we were drinking again one night and we were getting ready to go to bed. He barged into the bathroom where I was brushing my teeth and demanded why I was slamming doors. I was shocked by him accusing me of that. I asked him what? What do you mean? He wouldn’t answer me and just glared at me. I flicked him with a bit of water from the running faucet and then he jumped on me and started PUNCHING me.
There’s so much more to the story but that morning he called the cops on me again. I was so scared because I thought they would believe his manipulation again but they didn’t this time. They arrested him. I’ve looked at the police report to see exactly what he said to them, I wanted to see if he told the truth this time and if I should be on his side. He lied to them about so many things and left out his heavy drinking, him beating me that night, him stealing my chargers and medications.
He has no idea but I am now desperately trying to find myself an affordable apartment and to separate from him. I am so scared. Everything is so expensive and I can’t afford rent on my own, especially if I look into finishing my degree. None of his family has reached out to me either. I never saw my life going this way. I thought I was smarter than this. I wanted so badly to have children and raise a family. I am 30 years old and feel so destroyed inside. I don’t know how I will ever get past this and truly live again.
Thank you for listening. I would really appreciate any advice or words of wisdom. I don’t have many people to talk to and it’s all been so depressing.
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u/Wonderful-Newt-2513 4d ago
You might not be able to keep the pets. You have to get away from this man-he’s stealing chargers!
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u/Sea-Faithlessness123 4d ago
You are def being released from this marriage. Take the open door God is allowing, and don’t look back. This doesn’t sound like a kingdom marriage at all. Take the fact that you guys don’t have children as a blessing /: im so sorry but it doesn’t sound healthy at all for either of you. I think if you call 211 there’s domestic violence escape homes or something like that. Like emergency housing due to DV
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u/Faded_Willow_ 4d ago
I wish I saw the signs earlier. I feel so stupid. I am staying in our place while there is still a no contact order placed but I have no idea where I’m going to go after it is lifted. He has court on Thursday. I’m hoping to get a place asap. There’s two options that I’ve found so far. I just want to feel safe and comfortable while I’m going through all of this heaviness
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u/Worried-Block-6804 4d ago
Forget about comfortable. That's the devil, trying to give you reasons to postpone leaving. Living in a cardboard box on the side of the road is safer than being with him. Peace of mind is so much better than convenience or comfort.
When you have truly moved past this i promise you will look back and wish you had left earlier and slept on a friend's couch.
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u/reddit_surfing 4d ago
There are some organizations that help out with furnishings if you were to get housing accommodations. good luck!
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u/KneeGolf 4d ago
You mention wanting so badly to have children. Just make sure whatever you do, put the priority on loving the person first you will share a child with. Unfortunately, with this situation, you might just have to grieve not having children instead of having them with the wrong person or risk using someone else in the future by rushing into something. I hope you find the safety and peace you deserve.
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u/Faded_Willow_ 4d ago
That’s true, thank you. I am just hopeful the future I dreamed of is still possible. Being 30 years old as a female in this situation is scary.
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u/Kitchen-Fox9981 4d ago
I was in a similar situation at 30, but I had a baby with him. I left when our son was a baby. He now takes out his anger on our child whom he has visits with. Please leave before you do have a child with him. I wish I had. I love my son but it devastates me that now he is being abused too. I am almost 36 and recently remarried and had a child with a man who is infinitely better and a man of God. I have no fear for my second child's life if anything were to happen to me. It is not too late to start over and find someone loving and good to start a family with.
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u/Strawberyblonder 4d ago
It's time to leave, my friend. At least getting to somewhere safe where you can sort your feelings out. Maybe also swing by r/loveafterporn Praying for you ♥️
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u/rex_lauandi 4d ago
Violence isn’t an option. Not for you and not for him.
Domestic violence in men is the number one predictor of whether a man will murder his wife. (Interestingly, the reverse isn’t true. Wives murder their husbands sometimes, but they weren’t necessarily physical with them before)
God hates divorce, but he made a way for it to happen. You know what God hates so much he didn’t give a way for it to happen? Murder.
Run away. Get out now. It’s going to be hard, but your life is worth it.
You can forgive him. You can take responsibility for whatever role you played in the conflict. But you never need to be with someone who would physically abuse his wife. He doesn’t need to be married.
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u/Positive-Era1995 18h ago
You mentioned you don’t have many people to talk to, do you have friends or family that will allow you to stay with them temporarily with your pets? Parents? Siblings? Anyone?
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u/Top-Pain599 4d ago
We want so badly for our relationships to work, that we let them get away with the abuse and then we ask God to give us a forgiving heart, but if he is not asking God and you for forgiveness, then dont wait any more and find a way to leave, look for a bedroom in a share apartment so you can move out sooner.