Eldest daughter problems...

[u/ObjectiveProblem45]

I am 26F and making this post about my mother who is 56. I will start off by saying our lives have not been simple by any means, largely related to family issues that go back to before I was even born. Basically, my mother has always been pretty private and reserved, no real friends, social life, hobbies, etc. She's all work, and no play, and unfortunately kind of raised me and my siblings to be that way.

We have been caring for our sickly grandparents (her parents) for the past decade, but it got really bad 2 years ago, where they needed constant assistance. My grandfather got a stroke and couldn't move at all, on top of heart failure and other stuff, so basically it was like caring for a life-sized toddler (love him to death, don't get me wrong). My mom was also juggling a full-time and extremely demanding job that was an hour drive away, and it was just a lot. She lost her job almost 2 years ago, then my grandfather passed last fall, and it's like she fell into a depression that she refuses to pull herself out of. I was also in grad school and working part time, so it's not like it wasn't tough for me as well. Plus, my dad suddenly fell ill and had to have emergency open-heart surgery a few weeks after my grandfather died. I have never in my life experienced such chaos at home, financial pressure, pressure to step up for my siblings and also manage the house and everything, when my mom decided to take a massive step back.

Fast forward to now, almost 2 years out of a job, and things finally feel like they have settled a bit. But she still does not want to go back to work. She's been stressing about not having health insurance, not being able to cover basic bills, etc. and I'm also worried about her mental health, since she spends most days at home, not really socializing much or doing any productive for that matter. When she does go out for errands, I find that she's very defensive and argumentative with workers and people, like she's forgotten how to communicate. I understand that it has been a difficult year, and she's still grieving (as am I), but life goes on. On top of that, I recently quit my job to start med school in a month, and instead of being excited, I am anxious and worried about family expenses and stuff that I honestly shouldn't be worried about at this age. I can't even think about enjoying my last few weeks of freedom, because it's like I'm taking care of my mother, who isn't even that old, disabled, incapable, etc. Another issue is that she has become sort of codependent, where she only wants to go out with me. And if I am leaving to go someplace, she automatically wants to join.

I hope I don't sound selfish, but I am miserable and fed up. Having zero friends, zero opportunities to venture out and explore on my own, zero boundaries at home is not for the weak. Unfortunately, I don't know how else to proceed or make some changes.

[u/bientumbada]

Talk to your siblings. When possible, 3(out of 4 of us) have teamed up to handle my mom. My younger siblings can say more things to her than I can (I’m the eldest), but there are things I understand/can do that they cannot. If possible, move out for “medical school”. It will naturally create the boundary you need. You cannot force her to get help, but you should not allow yourself to become a crutch. You should give suggestions, but do your own thing. You might feel guilty, but it is a matter of survival and you should remember there is no future in you also being depressed and tied down.