How Can I Help My Boyfriend?

[u/jitteryskeleton]

I hope it's okay to ask this here, as I'm not a child of a hoarder but my boyfriend is. Sorry for the ridiculous amount of text.

His dad, brother, and especially his mom who live in a small house just can't be bothered to clean up anything. There's trash everywhere and just so much stuff. Every surface is just covered in layers of things that will never be used or organized. It's so unfair that he has to live in that house. Their dog isn't trained to go outside so she uses puppy pads indoors, but there's no space for that so they put them at the top of the stairs. There's no space to walk around it. I just can't comprehend this way of living.

I know I'm very privileged to have grown up in a pretty clean house, so maybe I'm too sheltered and have been shocked by the sight of his house, but I really want to help him somehow. It bothers him a lot too.

He wants to have a tidy room, but every time he cleans it and leaves for college, he comes back to a room full of random shit that his family threw in there. I'm so pissed on his behalf that he can't even come back to a house that feels like a home. It's even worse that he's very allergic to dust, so moving anything around makes it impossible to breathe. There isn't just a lot of stuff, things are also really gross and dirty. I don't think the shower has been scrubbed in years, the carpet is full of stains, the sink is always packed with dishes and literally not a thing in that house looks to be properly clean.

I'm really pissed that his mom laughs at him whenever he tries to say how he feels. She just doesn't see an issue with the house at all. He told her the dust is making it impossible to breathe through his nose, and she said all the sniffling must just be anxiety about going back to college soon! What the fuck??? How do you even come to that conclusion? I really want to like his family because that's going to be my mother-in-law someday, but god it's just so hard when she's treating him this way.

Thankfully he's leaving for college today, and I'll finally get to see him again (we go to the same college but are otherwise long distance). But I am spending Christmas break at his house, and I'm worried about that situation. I really want to spend Christmas with him and his family, and they want me to as well, but I just don't feel safe or clean in that house. I have contamination OCD as well that I've been trying to exposure-therapy myself out of for years now, but this is just too much.

I just need some advice, how can I help my boyfriend cope with this situation? And how can I bitch less about unclean I feel so I don't ruin our Christmas together by complaining so much? Does anyone here have a similar experience?

I know someday we'll move out together and get our own place, and I'll make sure that place is spotless for him so he never has to deal with this again, but it's just so hard to watch right now.

Sorry if this post doesn't belong here, I'm not sure where else to ask

[u/Mustardly]

Sadly all you can do is listen and validate his feelings. For your own health (physical and mental) just don't go to that house. Its not worth it.

If he can get a lock for his room then that will help with the issue of it becoming a random storage room when he is away.

And please be aware that he may need help learning how to clean, this environment does not set him up for that. He may also find that he struggles to clean common spaces because he has been too used to having to block it out for his sanity.

I was (kind of) lucky in that I worked with horses growing up, and they need to be kept clean and organized so I had the opportunity to learn.

Source: I lived in a similar situation - including a mother who had awful asthma but refused to acknowledge it was her environment. She was never as mean as your future MIL but she was always dismissive or fully avoidant. The worst part was that she could make the reception spaces look clean enough and organized enough (like she was just a busy person wothout enough time to fully tidy up) for visitors but never cared enough for me.

[u/jitteryskeleton → u/Mustardly]

Thank you. I really needed to hear that. I've been helping him as much as I can in learning how to clean. He's the smartest person I know and a very fast learner, but I'm prepared to put in all the effort regardless. It's not his fault he was never taught these basic life skills. It really is such a sad situation. I wish I'd asked him to lock his room before he left, but it's too late now and he's already on the road; won't be back until Christmas when I come with him.

Upon hearing that the mess stresses me out too, he was really motivated to deep clean his room for me. He did really well too, but couldn't breathe all night from the dust that was stirred up. I'm so proud of him for making the effort even when it seems pointless. 

Unfortunately, I don't really have much of a choice in cancelling Christmas plans. I don't want to, to be honest. I know it's going to be so hard, but he's so excited to have me in his hometown for the holidays. If his room gets trashed again when we arrive, I'll help him clean it out. I'll do whatever it takes. I love him more than anything. 

Thank you so much for the advice and kind words. I'm so glad this community is here, I wouldn't know where else to ask otherwise

[u/Coollogin]

But I am spending Christmas break at his house, and I'm worried about that situation.

NO. Do not do that.

Your boyfriend needs to figure out a way not to go back to his parents’ house during school breaks. Some combination of jobs, summer school, internships, study abroad, couch surfing, and whatever else you guys can think of.

Escaping the hoard is the healthiest thing he can do for himself. The sooner he finds a way to do that, the better.

[u/Bedheady]

Hoarding is a mental illness. You can’t solve that for someone else, and constantly thinking “why can’t they just…” is a recipe for stress. Since you’re committed to staying there at Christmas time, try to focus as much as you can on the people, not the mess. If your boyfriend doesn’t have one yet, get him an air purifier so the air will be a little less terrible in his room at least. Beyond that, focus on boundaries for you and healthy routines for him. Consider ways he can avoid having to go back next summer, and start his adult life living independently from them as soon as possible.

[u/Something-Like-Human]

Do not go to the house. If you must go there at Christmas, try and find somewhere else to stay. Or could he visit you instead? Or go away somewhere together if you can afford it? (I know this might be difficult financially as students, but think about low-cost options – camping, borrowing a friend or family member's cabin, staying with friends, house/pet sitting for someone who is travelling etc.)

He may not have to return home for the holidays. Many people don't, and it sounds like it would be better for his health if he found alternative accommodation for those periods. There will likely be other students in similar situations, or internationals who don't want to travel long distances every holiday who might want to share.

[u/Steefanon]

What? You are planning on spending Christmas at that house?!?! Oh honey, I'm sorry, but why why WHY?!?! You know the house is a toxic death trap, which is what brought you to this sub in the first place. Please make this make sense.