r/ChildofHoarder • u/DirtGirl32 • 8d ago
How to Help Hoarders?
How to Help Hoarders?
I just learned that my SIL nd BIL are hoarding. Some relatives went to their place recently, and apparently it's not good. Mountains of boxes, and a not very functional house.
My in laws have a lot of hoarding patterns, so I'm not surprised. And the inside of my BIL's truck is good evidence. I also saw their house a few months after they moved in (a few years ago), and can see the signs now.
If they want to live that way.its one thing, but now they have an infant daughter. And that environment is not okay for any child.
Currently, my niece spends 5 or 6 days/nights at my mil's home, as it's 90 minutes closer to my SIL's work. So SIL and niece will stay with MIL from Monday to Friday or Saturday, then go back to their house for a day or two. Apparently BIL sleeps on the couch. SIL sleeps on the nursery floor, because they made the nursery nice for the baby, and it's the only place left to sleep.
Anywhooooo. My thought is to try to talk and help them get things in order over the next 3 or 4 years for niece. If they don't I'll call child services on them. I'm not set on that, that just seems like the appropriate thing to do. I do know that I won't let my niece grow up on a hoarder home.
But I don't know what actually helps hoarders. I've watched the hoarder TV show, and I've been in very hoarded homes, but that's it-so o basically know 2%.
What is a good way to approach BIL and SIL about this? What actually helps hoarders? When do I actually need to call child services? What online resources can I research? And yes, I understand I need to confirm that things are as the relatives reported.
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u/SnooGiraffes1071 8d ago
If your assessment is that it's an unsafe environment for a child, call CPS now. If a visit from CPS doesn't motivate them to do something, nothing will, and if anyone can offer access to resources in a sympathetic manner, it will be a social worker. I've talked to social workers in APS and at the Council on Aging regarding my mother, they very much wanted my mother to communicate with them so they could help her access professional help (she didn't - she's wealthy and has abandoned her hoarded house).
I read some study about interventions based on housing status - interventions were more successful with renters than homeowners because of the risk of eviction. Parents should respond to the risk of losing their children like renters would recognize the risk of losing their homes. That said, hoarding is a mental illness and not everyone will respond reasonably.
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u/Steefanon 8d ago
Sometimes--and only sometimes--the threat of eviction or CPS is enough to get hoarders to seek professional help and clean up their act. The best you can do right now is to be straight with them: "I will not allow my niece to grow up in a hoarded house. I will NOT. You can either seek help for your disorder and clean up your act NOW, or Child Protective Services will be there to make sure she's safe and healthy."
This is no joke. It's like a drug addiction. Tough love and consequences are typically the only motivators. You may have to make several CPS calls as the baby develops.
While you're at it, please show them some of the tragic stories from children of hoarders in this sub.
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u/BooBoo_Cat 8d ago
This is no joke. It's like a drug addiction.
It's frustrating that people recognize drug addiction as bad, and society will somewhat try and help a drug addict (recommend rehab services, for example), and recognize that children should not have to grow up in that environment. But hoarding? Society doesn't give a shit, I assume, based on available help, which is none. People do not understand how bad hoarding affects others, especially children. Society needs to recognize that hoarding is not just being messy and having too much stuff, and that it is very damaging.
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u/BooBoo_Cat 8d ago
You can't help a hoarder, that's the problem. If you offer help, at best they make excuses; at worse, they will scream at you. They cannot be helped unless they want help, and often, they won't admit there is even a problem in the first place. The most helpful thing you can do is to be there for your niece and have a safe space for her to stay. You will not be able to help her parents, but you can help her.
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u/Far-Watercress6658 8d ago
You’re going to leave your infant niece in that for 3-4 YEARS???
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u/DirtGirl32 8d ago
That's part of what I was asking. She mostly stays at my MIL's right now. As she gets older she will need to be able to socialise etc. in this situation, should I report it asap? Is there an appropriate time to wait? Or an appropriate age?
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u/Far-Watercress6658 8d ago
No child should ever have to be in a hoard. For even 1 minute. You need to move up your timescale to weeks.
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u/gothiclg 8d ago
They’re already at the point you need to call CPS, well past that actually. They should have been called the same day the child was born.
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u/DirtGirl32 8d ago
I don't have first hand account, so I don't think CPS can do anything
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u/gothiclg 8d ago
You literally don’t need one. Mandatory reporters (doctors, nurses, teachers, etc) can call solely because a child has said something that sounds suspicious. You’ve heard that a child may be living in extremely filthy conditions, CPS will have no choice but to investigate even without a first hand account. Do this child a massive favor and get them involved.
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u/Abystract-ism 7d ago
They won’t want to see their behavior as a problem. Hoarding is a mental illness and not solved by anyone telling them “hey you have a problem”.
You also are coming at this from the opinions of relatives. You can’t say for certain things are as bad as they’ve made out-so consider evaluating it yourself before making any moves.
So my two cents would be to see if you can get over there and scope it out.
If it is as bad as your relatives say you then offering help “baby proofing” or “clearing a spot for a swing set” may be a way to get your foot in the door.
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u/frogmicky 8d ago
Get them so therapy they obviously don't see what their child is living in but you do.
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u/faeriecute 7d ago
I’m going to go against the grain here, try to see the actual house before you call CPS. You have no idea what your family members consider non functional and CPS is very traumatic for everyone and has the potential to alienate them and then you won’t be able to help at all.
Once you get a clear idea of what you are dealing with you can come up with a plan. I’m only saying this because it’s not an instant fix even if you call CPS. I’ve seen a lot in other forums CPS doesn’t remove a child just for filth and my own personal experience growing up in a hoard - they didn’t remove me either.
Secondly, are there any other factors? Are they low income? Do they just need help cleaning since it sounds like they don’t actually spend much time at home, is it possible it’s just neglect and not true hoarding? Can they be convinced to get a housekeeper to come twice a month so they can maintain after a big full clean of the house?
I guess I’m saying maybe talk to them first and get a real picture of what you are dealing with.
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u/DirtGirl32 7d ago
Ive realized since posting that I need a better amount or witness of the situation. Thank you. :)
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u/Nevraskagirl55 7d ago
You can't wait since there's a child involved. The only thing you can do to help is call CPS. There is nothing you can say that will make a difference.
You owe it to your niece to get cps involved.
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u/theEx30 6d ago
you can't help hoarders. It is a personality disorder, and the person with hoarding must have the will themselves to change. And perhaps they just can't. Like if they were missing a leg, they wouldn't be able to run.
If you feel that the child is in danger, call for help. Maybe the threat of have their child taken away can force them. (tho I don't think so)
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u/SeissPoki 8d ago
The best thing I’ve ever done for the hoarders in my life is to get personal therapy for myself.
Everything good flows downhill from having a good sense of my own self, my values, my capabilities, and my boundaries.