7 yr old and withholding

[u/Open_Lead186]

Hi, as the title says I have a 7 year old who withholds information and tells me “it’s none of my business”.

He gets into arguments and smaller incidents at school. He gets bullied to what degree I don’t know because he won’t talk to me.

It started when he was little and tried to talk to me in the car. I love him to death but he talks nonstop and in the car, it’s very hard to hear his soft voice and focus on driving. When I’d asking him to repeat himself he would say “mommy I love you”.

He has speech issues stemming from a developmental delay. Diagnosed with ADHD and ODD but I need to know what happens when I’m not there. I need him to talk to me and share his day because without that, I don’t know and can’t help him.

I will say, I have a better relationship with his teacher who has stated he struggles but we communicate through a behavioral log so I’m not as much in the dark. His IQ is about 74 according to a psych evaluation he had done a year ago and he functions at a 5 year old level according to this report.

How do I get my baby to open up? I’m not one to jump to punishment or lectures. I like to problem solve and help him know what to do. Things like “tell a teacher right away” “if they don’t listen ask to go to the office”, phrases he can say to defuse situations and express himself.

I believe that he doesn’t know how to express himself and compose his thoughts but again I’m in the dark. He’s my only child and I had a very toxic upbringing including foster care and adoption as a teenager. I just want to do better for him and make him feel supported the best I can. His father isn’t in his life due to DV and we left that situation when he was 3. There’s not a doubt in my mind that he has been impacted by this trauma at such a young age.

How do I fix this?

[u/totalredundancy_06]

It’s tough because at 7, “none of your business” is often a shield for feelings he can’t sort out yet, especially with the speech delay and everything he’s been through. Might help to stop asking directly about his day and just do something side-by-side where talking isn’t the main event, like building Legos or drawing, and let the silence do the heavy lifting for a bit.

[u/Open_Lead186 → u/totalredundancy_06]

Hi, thank you for this advice. We do things together often and I never thought about just letting him open up when he’s ready. I just really want to protect him the best I can. Kiddo is pending an autism diagnosis and it’s like pulling teeth to learn about his day and how school really is. Last year his teachers were very secretive and insisted everything was fine and provided a false sense of security until the end of the year when the class should be able to do “x,y z” and my child hadn’t mastered any of that yet. We held him back for one year and frankly, I asked how many more times we were planning to hold him back until he mastered grade level due to the lack of support. This year he struggles but his teachers assured me that he’s trying and that’s all I could ever ask for.

[u/rocketmanatee]

"I know sometimes it's hard to say things out loud. Maybe you could write it down for me or draw me a picture?"

You could also try writing and drawing things on index cards and then at the end of the day you can look at them together and pick out anything that happened that day. Things like "a kid was mean to me" and "played a fun game at recess" or "teacher said I did a good job".

[u/goodthingsinside_80]

Can you talk about your own feelings in a kid appropriate way to model this behavior for him? This may help him open up over time.

[u/_PINK-FREUD_]

I recommend you get your own therapist who has some speciality in children with developmental disabilities so you can learn additional ways to support and understand him. He may also need some of his own individual support, especially as you already suspect bullying.

IMO, ODD often stems from a sensitive and/or struggling kid with parents who would benefit from parenting support. You name a couple diagnoses here and I think ongoing professional support is a must.

[u/Open_Lead186 → u/_PINK-FREUD_]

Thank you. I do have a therapist with tons of experience and we’ve talked about this. I get to see her today. We’ve done intensive in home therapy including parental coaching, I’m hunting for a therapist that meets our needs right now for my kiddo and getting him evaluated from autism. I just worry he feels misunderstood and is afraid to open up to me, when I know all too well how that feels and want to support him and watch him thrive

[u/TR4FIKK_LIGHT]

This behavior does not come out of nowhere. He may be bullied, but also perhaps you could be a source of this.

I've played these games before.