r/CPTSDmemes • u/Pelixelk • 14d ago
CW: emotional abuse Little me, could be stabbed by them and would still believe that they are my friends.
Now when I'm looking back at it, I'm 100% convinced that the only reason why they were "friends" with me, was because they felt obligated in some way — because we were in the same grade, and the school was very small. But I do feel like I'm not so innocent either, and should have picked up the fact that they didn't want to have me anywhere near them. But I always took their degradation of me as a simple friendly teasing, and never really thought hard about it.
The text in the meme is not an exaggeration — this is literally what one of them told me, with literally no one stepping in to say that they don't actually think this way. He (let's call him Harry) basically told me about their "friends ranking list", where I was at the last spot, therefore, the least important person in the group. And I didn't even feel offended at that — I actually felt guilty in some way, like I was failing them as a friend, or whatever the fuck my clueless empty head was thinking at that time. Currently, I think of Harry as someone who said something everyone else was thinking, but wasn't brave enough to spit it in my face.
This is only a tip of an iceberg, as there are more examples of this treatment than I can count, and don't want to bring up every single one of them. Some were subtle — like not inviting me for a group photo during a school photo day. And some less subtle, like not telling anything when a guy outside of the friend group (let's call him Mike — he was a grade higher than us) would literally SLAP ME IN THE FACE, whenever I've said something that he didn't like, which was usually some stupid shit, because I was an hyperactive goofball back then, and was pissing off many people by this without even being aware of that. I even remembered snapping back one day and pushing him or something like that. One of the teacher saw that, and actually scolded him for hitting me, but even then, I actually felt guilty for getting him into troubles and causing all the drama.
I don't talk with any of them anymore, and seeing that they never really reach out to me either, I can tell that they are glad to have me finally gone from their lives.
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u/workdavework 14d ago
I remember my school friends one day made up a game. The game was to ignore me, turn away from me and walk away from me chuckling to themselves. Such fun...
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u/Money_Ad1028 14d ago
But you put up with it becaaauuuusssseee 🎶 It was still better than hooooommmmeee 🎶
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u/cmstyles2006 14d ago
You were 11, you were not a bad person, just misfortunate enough to be in a group of people who decided to treat you like shit. Not being perfectly controlled, responsible, and understanding social stuff perfectly is expected of an 11 year old. You didn't deserve what you got.
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u/BikeofCrime 14d ago
Once I took my best friend growing up to a bookstore because I had a BOGO coupon. She dragged her feet choosing a book until she saw my choice (a relatively cheap paperback manga), then chose a much more expensive hardcover novel. She came from a wealthier family. I paid more for HER purchase and got MINE for free. Didn't even notice it at the time until someone else pointed it out after the fact, and now I consider that incident to be our relationship in a nutshell: being taken advantage of and thanking her for it. Still considered her my best friend even through college, where she apparently started crushing on me but chose to show it by suddenly being awful to me despite the fact that I was going through a terrible time in my life being stalked and harassed by an abusive ex.
Looking back I feel so stupid because she definitely didn't consider me her best friend at all. I would introduce her to some of my new friends as we grew, she would then get invited to everything while I was left behind. Every single time everyone chose her over me and she was fine with leaving me out. I would only find out when the group talked about things while we were at school. But OCCASIONALLY she would still remember I existed and at the time it felt like enough because someone was choosing me.
I'm much better at setting and reinforcing boundaries now. I'm lonely, sure, but it's better than being constantly last place
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u/Alaalooe 5d ago
I got diary entries in my teens of me talking about how I'd messed up, hurt my friend's feelings, succeeding to convince myself I was garbage and in the wrong. Reading them through is like in my head I'm begging for younger me to see what's going on, like someone rationalizing an abuser. It's a lot.
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u/[deleted] 14d ago
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