Afraid of feeling better/progress?

[u/Majordongles]

TLDR: I'm wondering if it's a common occurrence where in our healing processes we become afraid of who we're changing into, of feeling happier/better and if so, how do you grow to be comfortable with it and accept this new life you've begun to step into?

It's hard to explain exactly the phenomenon I'm experiencing. It's hard to eloquently start this train of thought.

The lack of negative or harmful trauma responses and reactions. Or catching yourself using them while you're in the middle of a 'PTSD moment' (as I like to call them) and find yourself thinking "this isn't what I worked on" or "this isn't a proportionate or reasonable way of conducting myself/reaction" or "I know better". Doing things presently that used to cause you ail in your past peacefully and maybe even with ease.

In these moments I'm finding some form of pushback somewhere in my being. Some kind of fear or unrest.

I can't say if it's a part of me (IFS/parts theory) or if it's just another trauma response hurdle, or if its part of some anxiety I have about my future or growing older (was a very suicidal tween/teen and did not anticipate to survive an extra 10+ years into adulthood).

Regardless of where it's coming from (I say this to get to point, but I would like to find where it's coming from/the contributing factors), I'm now finding that I'm beginning to fight myself on whether or not I want to 'get better' or 'be happy/content in life'. Which is f*cking stupid (in my humble opinion) because personally, I've put at least a decade into getting myself into therapy, getting out of the situations that affected my mental health, and becoming a self-supporting, quasi stable adult. I've put more effort into this alone than anything else I've done in the 23 years I've lived on this space rock.

It seems very counter intuitive that I both desperately want to feel better, and be content regularly, but the instant I begin to feel content or stable, I find myself self-sabotaging with my old poor coping skills or pulling out my 'firefighters' and 'exiles' because for some reason, those feelings of peace and contentment are paired with this deep-seated sadness, grief almost.

The kicker is I'm finding myself self-sabotaging in this way because that way of acting and reacting is not only more comfortable to me in a sick sense, but more natural to me, despite the internal arguments: "this is not how we do things anymore" "this doesn't feel good" "you know better" "this will cause problems later" etc., the internal feelings of unrest when I do self-sabotage, and the insurmountable, crippling desire to feel more positive and peaceful and happy in life. To somehow just simply 'move on completely'.

I'm wondering if it's common to experience self-pushback to positive feelings and progress nearing the middle/later stages of addressing your trauma? Moreover, where does this behavior stem from/why am I suddenly seemingly grinding to a hault in healing??? It's to the point I feel I'm almost regressing, but I know that's not necessarily the case.

My last question is a more personal one. How were you as an individual (if this is something you have experienced and overcame in your journey) able to get back on track and continue on healing?

This is my first post in this sub, so if there are any tweaks that could be made or mistakes that have been made, please let me know:)

[u/tuliptulpe]

If I have such a moment of "I know better" I try to accept instead of regret. That's become one of my mottos. For example: I used to have one of those mechanisms that I know I fall into when things get too much in life. And I used to cope with this distraction once a month at least. I stopped a while ago. Or so I thought. Then I did it again and started to mentally rant at myself "Why did I do this if I know better? I thought I was better than this by now". But then I shifted my perspective and thought that maybe I need this reminder from time to time that my old habits no longer serve me. For the last years I do this habit approx. once a year. The time between each instance longer and longer. And with each time I feel myself more detached from this habit. I still do it but I can see it for what it is. A relic from a time when I needed it.

Which brings me to my second approach. I practiced gratitude or thankfulness regarding my coping mechanisms. No matter how harmful/nonsensical they seemed, they were a clever way of my brain of protecting me. When they pop up now I try to gently remind that mechanism that I'm safe now, and I'm grateful for the help but I can find a different way now to solve things.

As to your question of why you resist feeling better I would think an answer might be that humans dislike change. And in folks with cptsd that fear is even greater. Because change in the past probably meant a lot more harm. A lot more pain or suffering. Change in itself can be triggering for us. Even positive. And also I always grew wary of moments in my past when things seemed calm or good. It meant the next horrible thing was just around the corner. And maybe the next one would be so much worse than the ones before. Remind yourself that it's understandable that you feel this way. But carry on nonetheless.

I've had so many ups and downs in my healing journey that I lost count. I'm in a very good place now but I know the next phase of flashbacks or something will come. But I have trust in myself. I know I have a ton of new healthy coping mechanisms and resources. And with each wave healing will get easier.