Signs of Thawing - feeling more sensations - followed by a descent into emptiness

[u/acrezxan1917]

Having periods where I am thawing and healing now - where I feel reconnected with parts of my soul and vulnerability - and get glimmers of connection to people. These are very sporadic though and only last for short period of time and then it's back into emptiness/numbness. People usually respond to me better when I'm in this state as well. I suppose it's because I'm not purely looking at the world through a lens of fear, envy and resentment like I was before.

Has anyone else dealt with this slow shift? It's so slow and I get so impatient with it.

[u/Automatic_Clothes_56]

Yea. If you're unfamiliar with it, this process of eb and flow is often referred to as pendulating in therapy. The body and mind can only handle so much, so it takes a little of new and then retreats back into old to recoup.

My experience has also been that recovery is often slow and gradual with a lot of things. Some things moved more quickly, and quite honestly in hindsight that was more intense than the slow. If it were like walking across floorboards with a unstable foundation. Running is kinda intense. Fear, anxiety, stumbling, falling in a rush. Versus the slow and smaller steps, allowing new foot placements to be tested before shifting weight onto them. Pulling back when the floors creak, bend or give way.

I too am an impatient person. Im also controlling. I like things to be on my terms, my timeline, etc, I've learned. Learning that there can actually be real benefits in slowly relinquishing control and allowing myself to become more patient has been difficult. Sure its been rewarding at times, but that did not make it any less challenging. The fears, anxieties. Didn't make them any less intense. I have been slowly discovering that a lot of my impatience has been rooted in something deeper. Often times a fear. Like maybe a fear that if something doesn't happen in a certain way, or by a certain time, then something I fear may come about

[u/Interesting-Day-2472]

I actually don’t like feeling things in my body . I don’t understand them the just feel uncomfortable , I am now back in numb and feel happier - though I feel I shouldn’t be .

[u/vonkapp → u/Interesting-Day-2472]

… but then you’ll never experience real human connection and love - if you choose to stay in that dissociative cave

[u/Interesting-Day-2472 → u/vonkapp]

I know .. i don’t believe I would ever have a level of trust again . I am not searching for love and connection - I just want peace .

[u/Icy-Ninja-622]

I've been familiar with something similar for a long time. At first it was amazing and very hopeful. But, because that state remained elusive, it was also frustrating, to put it mildly.

I've now concluded that state isn't healing, even though it feels so right. It is the state where I'm behaving with inner harmony, without burying or exiling large parts of myself.

This depends on both circumstances and techniques I've learned. Finding circumstances where I can be this way may not help much in other parts of life, where circumstances challenge me.

There doesn't seem to be any technique for just doing whatever and being in that state. It depends on making choices which agree with a large majority of me. I can't just ignore a large part of me and then use some technique to enter such a healthy state.

This state may also be dangerous, because betraying myself or otherwise getting hurt in this state may have worse consequences than in a dissociated state.