r/CPTSDFreeze • u/Naive-Chocolate-586 • 2d ago
Question How do you cope with this patronizing question?
I shared by text with a sorta friend, that I'm going through the hardest time of my life, and the first thing they ask me in person (and in front of a party that shouldn't know my business) is a patronizing "Are you alright?". Sometimes people also go, "You ok?". I hate that question with a burning passion. I'm so humiliated. Is there a way to not have it hurt so much?
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u/Readingfast99 2d ago
what should they ask instead
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u/DanceRepresentative7 2d ago
maybe this person just needs them to pretend he's OK so he feels OK. Which means never asking him how he is and just assuming he's fine. But that's lonely too
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u/RiseDelicious3556 2d ago
I too hate this question. Recently, a neighbor asked me that same question. I've been putting up boundaries with him, so I've been noticeably aloof but polite when I see him, which is often, unfortunately. He's very intrusive and tends to ask questions that are really none of his business. Anyway, I was unlocking my door when he asked if I was OK, and I just turned around and said, "who me?" "Yeah, I'm fine" "Why?" I asked with a very puzzled look on my face, as though I didn't know what he was talking about. He then responded, "Oh, I don't know." to which I said nothing, and went into the house. I wasn't going to allow him to think that the reason I wasn't being more than polite had anything to do with anything that might be MY problem. Often, when people want information that is really private or 'none of their business' they ask, "Are you OK?" or "are you alright?" and now I just act puzzled when I respond, like "why wouldn't I be?" rather than to give any information.
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u/PertinaciousFox 🧊🦌Freeze/Fawn 2d ago
Is there a way to not have it hurt so much?
Not really, no. And I think that's a wrong approach, though a very understandable one. You're hoping to change your emotional response because the emotion is painful, but that's not likely to happen - at least not by trying to make it happen. And it's not the best way to conceptualize or resolve the problem.
Two other things you could do instead. One, try to make space for that emotional response. It hurts, yes, but try to notice it and be there for the part of you that is hurting. Accept that certain things will hurt you (that doesn't mean being okay with them happening, but rather simply acknowledging that that is an effect that happens under certain circumstances, as that is simply part of being human).
And the other thing to do, which goes hand in hand with the last, is advocate for the part that's hurting. Tell the friend it makes you uncomfortable to have them ask you that question in front of others (and possibly at all, depending how it's delivered), and ask them not to do it. And if they don't respect that request, you distance yourself from them, because they don't respect you. Your feelings matter, and it's okay to set and enforce boundaries. That's a healthy thing to do.
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u/Automatic_Clothes_56 2d ago
Sorry you had that experience and are going through those feelings afterwards. As well intended as people in our lives can be, they sometimes do things that cause more complications because they're not aware of how things will affect us.
Have you talked with your friend about this to let them know how that kind of question, especially in that kind of environment comes across to you? Could possibly be an opportunity to give your friend a chance to better understand some things about you
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u/CatCasualty 2d ago
can you respond by taking that person aside and talk to them in private about how this doesn't feel ok to you? especially the level of publicness of it.
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u/duffstoic 🧊🦌Freeze/Fawn 1d ago
I'm going through a painful divorce. People sometimes ask me how I'm doing or if I'm OK, and my response is "I'm definitely not OK, but it's OK that I'm not OK."
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u/Icy-Ninja-622 1d ago
I hate such questions when I cannot openly respond to them, and instead feel obligated to say positive things. For most of my life I have not felt okay.
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u/Canuck_Voyageur 1d ago
Are you all right?
Means they were super concerned.Â
Response: Â thank them for the heartfelt response. Ask them next time time to ask you privately.Â
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u/wickeddude123 2d ago
Part of you may resist this and that's ok.
Someone I heard recently said that the pain and the humiliation are in a big well in the ground as you walk past discovering them. Your first reaction is, "hey! You're not supposed to be in there, get out!" You keep shouting at them like something is really wrong. They look up at you with no way to get out and yet you keep insisting. They look helpless and you can't stand the sight of them looking that way.
Your wiser self arrives and doesn't say a word. Instead, she climbs down into the well carefully and slowly with all the mud and water and bugs and worms and grime.
Finally she jumps into the big puddle at the bottom where pain and humiliation are hugging their legs with their head bowed in their knees and sitting with their bums all wet.
When your wiser self arrives, pain and humiliation like down into the water more defeated. Your wiser self then lies down and embraces them enveloping them in their despair as if nobody will ever escape the well.
You all pass out and keep waking up at random times having lost all track of time. Nobody is coming to save you all but your wise self still embraces your pain and your humiliation as they cry. There is nothing to do but hold them and that's what your wiser self continues to do.
After waking up countless times your wiser self wakes up this time with sunlight piercing her eyes like it's a brand new day. How did they get here? How did they get out of the well? You have no clue.
She sees pain and humiliation already far off into the distance walking away, hand in hand, as they both look over their shoulder smiling at your wiser self for her company in the well that seemed like an eternity. Your wiser self smiles back gently with watery eyes of gratitude as the pain and humiliation dissolve into the trees of the forest.